Don’t get me wrong – this blog post is a bit borderline BAH HUMBUG/Scrooge McDuck, but I love the holiday season. I’m just in the mood to complain about something.  Hey, at least I’m honest.

Santa hoodwinked many children into racking up big phone bills. Tsk, tsk!

Some of my fondest childhood memories are from the holiday season. Playing the Jingle Cats CD on an endless loop to annoy my parents…my brother and I getting into a mess of trouble after calling Santa Claus’ 976-line…tricking my sister into thinking that all she’s getting for Christmas is a Chia Pet, until she truly believes me and starts to cry. (No, no, that’s not mean. Calm down! It’s…tradition! Yeah. Cuz…you know what they say – “Christmas isn’t Christmas until somebody cries!”).

This is one of my favorite times of the year, but great things often have their downsides. So on with the lists of Christmas FAIL!

4 kinds of holiday food I don’t like:

I know what you’re thinking, “She’s going to write about fruitcake!”

Slow down there, Miss Cleo.  I hope that you wouldn’t think I’d fall into that cliche.  Yeah, fruitcake is nasty, it’s slimy, it looks like a brick, blah blah blah. WE KNOW THAT. Most people who say Fruitcake is the “worst” Christmas gift are blowing smoke up your ass. How many of those people who say they hate fruitcake have actually tried fruitcake? Newsflash, most haven’t. Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it. GOOD fruitcake really isn’t that bad.

4: Popcorn Tins: Errr…I thought more about it and I just can’t bring myself to diss the popcorn tins. Deep in my

Popcorn tins are overpriced. Think about it: Popcorn is only 13¢/ pound in the bulk section. Run it through your popping machine and you have a big, satisfying 16¢ treat, including the electricity and the toppings!

heart, I love me some popcorn tins. When I get one of these, I only eat the cheese section. That’s correct; I’m that sneaky bastard.

3: Ribbon Candy: I think that once you hit age 65, you’re required to start liking this stuff. Doesn’t make any sense to me, because when you’re 65+, you’re much more likely to not have your own set of teeth. Eat this stuff and prepare to chisel it off your teeth and have some expensive bridgework done to repair the damage. The only thing ribbon candy has going for it is that it looks pretty.  It’s usually displayed in a bowl or a jar and becomes really, really sticky, and when you pick up a piece, you pick up the entire sticky glob of candy with it.

2: Danish butter cookies:  You know, those shortbread cookies that come in a tin can decorated with Victorian-era angels, stringing on harps.  No one ever eats these. Or if they do, it’s after all the other holiday treats have been consumed and these buttery corkboard canned cookies are the only thing left.  And everyone saves the can. I always see these things in basements and garages, all dented and so rusty that you’d need a tetnus shot just to look at it.

1: Candy Canes: Who eats this stuff? They make cute decorations, but no one eats them. They come in boxes of 10, but I never have any kind of desire to eat more than one (if that) during the season.  I remember sucking them to form a sharp point and making stabbing motions at my classmates. I’d probably get tasered and sent to juvi if I tried that now. Now that I’m an adult, I never see anyone sucking on a candy cane except the dipshit at the office who, every day starting on December 1st, sports a Santa hat and glue-guns some jingle bell to his wingtips, thinking he’s spreading the holiday cheer, business-casual style. I’m sure you have one of these guys at your office.

5 Shitty Christmas Gifts:

Oh, I’ve been given my decent share of shitty Christmas gifts, no doubt. But for the most part, I luck out and get the the good stuff. The shittiest of all shitty Christmas gifts was that one year when I got a bag of white cotton candy from my uncle, with an explanation that it was “ghost shit.” That would’ve been funny on Halloween, dear Uncle Tim, but it’s Christmas. And I don’t like cotton candy, but whatevs.

5: Vermont Teddy Bear/PajamaGram: Two words, fellas – LAZY GIFT.  No, it’s NOT romantic. It’s a fucking CLICHE and despite what you might think, it will not buy your way into her pants. Nothing says “I know nothing about my own girlfriend/wife” than giving her a Vermont Teddy Bear. Unless she really, really likes stuffed animals. In which

The kinds of guys who buy VT Teddy Bears are the same guys who try to woo women by making illegitimate claims of enjoying sunsets and long walks on the beach.

case, she should have her head examined if she’s over the age of 20. The TV commercials usually go on a full blown advertising blitz around Valentine’s Day. You know the one I’m talking about – where the  lovestruck woman is surrounded by her female co-workers, having a near-orgasm over receiving a stupid overpriced teddy bear with a cheesy message attached to it.  Something like “I sent you this Bandit bear, ’cause you stole my heart.” I think Vermont Teddy Bear, in general, is insulting to men. They’re basically saying that men are too damn dumb to be creative, so here’s an easy way out of the holidays. So if you get her a $90 teddy bear, she’ll cream her pants. Right…
PajamaGram isn’t as bad, (okay, I like pajamas…maybe I’m a little biased), but it really isn’t creative.

4: Generic bath products & shitty candles: I actually LIKE getting Bath and Body Works gift sets. But it’s those cheap knock-off bath sets from Wal-Mart or the Dollar Store that I hate.  The scents are always a play on the Bath &

A generic bath product gift basket, with all products in the same scent (that probably smells like rabbit bedding).

Body Works scents – like “Melon and Cucumber Medly”. They usually smell like plastic after you apply it to your skin. These sometimes come with shampoo and conditioner that dry your hair out and leave it feeling like hay.

Then there’s those cheap, lightly scented jar candles with the wax  that melts only in the center, forming a puddle that puts out the flame and leaves a sooty mess on your walls.

3: Kitchen gadgets no one uses: Martini shakers and fancy wine corking sets. Cookie cutters. Curly fry potato makers.  A lot of these contraptions are marketed as an apparatus that will SAVE THE DAY! Most of time, these doohickeys end up in the most remote & unreachable cabinet in your kitchen, never to see the light of day again.

2: Fluffy house socks:  The big, thick chenille socks with the rubber grips on the bottom. Sure, they’re warm and cozy,

Wear these & you won't need a vacuum. These socks pick up enough lint, hair, crumbs, and gunk off your floor to do the job itself.

but I don’t need 10 pairs of them. I seem to get these every freakin’ year. These socks hold enough static electricity to defibrillate a heart attack victim by simply scuffing over to him and touching him on the chest.

1: Christmas-y stuff given as Christmas gifts:  Ceramic snowman, Santa snow globes, decorative Rudolph show towels…it’s a Christmas gift FAIL! By the time you get this gift, Christmas is OVER. There’s no use for it, so in the closet it goes. What makes it worse is that you have an entire year to remember to display this shit when the gift giver comes over to your house next December.

Speaking of which, it’s always bothered me when I  go over to someone’s  house and they have it all decorated for Valentine’s Day, Christmas, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, and all the other holidays.  It gives off that kindergarten classroom vibe. Decorating here and there is FINE — especially for Christmas — but when you have to go through the back door because the front door is being guarded by a giant 6 foot Uncle Sam statue, there’s a problem.

3 holiday traditions of which I’m not a fan:

3: Secret Santa: In theory, it’s fun. Draw names, pick out a fun little gift, drop a  few hints, and at the holiday luncheon, everyone reveals their Secret Santa. But for me, it ALWAYS ends in tears. First time I did a Secret Santa exchange was in 3rd grade. Everyone else in my classroom was getting their gifts throughout the week, and by Friday, I still had nothing. I ended up bitching about it to my teacher. The next morning, I had a gift on my desk — an 8×10 picture frame.

Okay.

Who the fuck gives a 3rd grader an 8×10 picture frame?

Answer: My teacher. She was my secret santa. I’m guessing that the rugrat was who drew my name flaked out on the gift and poor teech had to rummage up something for me on a short notice. Why couldn’t she just stop at the gas station before school and get me some candy? What was I going to do with a picture frame?

Then, one year at work, we did a Secret Santa gift exchange. My Secret Santa was this creepy dude who was about 2-times my age. He gave me a bible because he overheard me saying that I had not been to church in over a year and he thought I needed some “guidance” (LOL). He also gave me ONE pre-paid movie ticket to see “The Green Mile” the following Saturday at 7PM.I come to find out that he actually bought TWO movie tickets. The other one was his. It was his way of asking me out on a date.

This is why I no longer “do” Secret Santa. I always get the creeps.

2: White Elephant Gift Exchanges (aka Yankee Swap): I hate forced social interaction. I have ENOUGH junk.  I don’t need someone else’s crap. And I don’t even think these things are “funny’ – I got a broken teapot last year. Yeah, thanks. That’s really funny. You’re quite the cutup, aren’t you? Where can I catch your stand-up?

Plus, the way some of my co-workers talk about this event, you’d think it was the equivalent of a Vikings/Packers game — we’ve got some big rivalries and lots of people seeking revenge.  Last year, one of the IT guys gave a broken CRT computer monitor and dot matrix printer as his gift. So the poor girl who got stuck with it had to find a way to dispose of it (took it to the dump and it cost her $50). Obviously, he knew what he was doing – talk about a rude gift!

1: Potlucks:   Since everyone is singing the economy blues, potlucks have been pretty popular this season, both at work and with friends & family. It’s a good idea, in theory. Everyone brings in something to share and get to sample a bunch of

Potlucks: Which of these dishes will make everyone sick?

home-cooked dishes. It’s a lot like the Old Country Buffet, without the sneezeguard and the FDA guidelines.

Some people go all out for these things & make dishes that take 2 weeks to prepare. I thank these people because I’m the lazy fucker who brings in a bag of potato chips. Without these ambitious go-getters, most company potlucks would consist of 2-liter soda bottles, Ritz crackers, and bags of Chips Ahoy.

That said, maybe I’m a germophobe, but potlucks kind of skeeve me out. One time I caught a old coworker cutting the chocolate cake she made with a knife, and licking the knife in-between cuts. That incident pretty much turned me off of potlucks for good. You don’t know what someone’s kitchen is like! You don’t know how what kind of sanitary efforts someone makes when baking brownies. And remember that time when you and Mary from Accounting were in the restroom and the same time? She didn’t wash her hands! The booger eaters of the world ruin the fun for everyone else.

In no particular order…

County Seat: This store was was a ’90s staple. The ’90s style was all about “casual fashions” and County Seat took full advantage of it. It was FLANNEL FLANNEL, EVERYWHERE. The “nicer” clothing was located at the front of the store – the itchy sweaters, wrap-around skirts, denim shirts, khakis, and long, shapeless button-down floral “Elaine from Seinfeld”-style dresses.

A typical sweater found in a County Seat store. Your typical '90s girl would pair it with a white turtleneck underneath and a velvet choker.

The denim was located in the back of the store. Most of the denim was displayed in cubby holes on the walls, arranged by size and color (yeah County Seat sold colored denim…remember, this WAS the ’90s. I had a pair of purple jeans…yeah! That’s right! Color me BADD!). The sale merchandise was displayed on the racks.

If you were looking for ANYTHING denim, County Seat had it. Denim button-down shirts, “jorts” (jean shorts, for those of you not in the know), lots of high waist, tapered leg jeans…which looked fab when paired with my tucked-in “Figure Skating is Life. The Rest is Just Details” t-shirt.

And you can’t forget denim overalls! County Seat had those, too.  You didn’t DARE wear them with both straps up. Oh no. You wore them with ONE strap up and a flannel shirt tied around your waist. Popularized by ’90s rap music, this fad took over my junior high and resulted in scrawny white kids from a Minnesota suburb thinking they were from the Wu Tang Clan.

The County Seat store where I shopped (the Crystal location), closed in 1997. I think most County Seat stores closed around that time.

Ben Franklin: I think Ben Franklin is still around in some small towns, but it does not have a presence in the Twin Cities, so on the list it goes. My mom used to take me to the Ben Franklin in the Village North Shopping Center. I loved this place. Ben Franklin was every do-it-yourself hobbyist’s DREAM. Latch hook kits, silk flowers, matchbox cars, wall-to-wall fabric, and my favorites – EMBROIDERY THREAD and BEADS.

I was a very creative, enterprising child, and made friendship bracelets, beaded necklaces, and fabric headbands – NOT for my BFFs, but FOR FUCKING PROFIT. As a damn 11-year old! So Ben Franklin was an important part in my business plan.

I’d safety-pin some embroidery thread to my pants (yeah, these days I would’ve had OSHA on my ass for a safety violation) and start braiding away, friendship-style, creating my “inventory” while watching Picket Fences and eating Giggles cookies (bought with my petty cash, of course). My handmade accessories were sold at neighborhood garage sales, to my BFFs (they’re not getting that shit for free!), door-to-door in the neighborhood, and even at craft shows (yes, I had my mom rent out a booth at a CRAFT SHOW for me to sell my wares!). A lot of the times, I’d end up keeping the handmade accessories for myself because they WERE JUST SOOOO CUTE OMG. (apparently, I hadn’t heard of the phrase “never get high on your own supply” yet. Live ‘n learn, right?).

St. Paul Book & Stationary: There was a location in Brooklyn Center, near Brookdale, but I’m sure there were more.  I’m guessing this place went out of business sometime in the early ’90s. It sold mostly art and office supplies. I was a crafty kid so any artsy store was right up my alley. They sold it all – puffy t-shirt paint,  whimsical stickers, peg-loom potholder kits, pens with 15 colors of ink, and any color of play-dough you could imagine. Mmm. Play-Dough. I would totally GRUB on that shit! And then chase it with a crayon. Oh come now, I know I’m not the only one!

Mr Bulky: Bulk candy at its finest, this place would make Willy Wonka blush. The Gene Wilder Wonka, not the Johnny Depp Wonka. Mr. Bulky was located in shopping malls and sold, well, BULK CANDY. No icky Brachs candy here – Mr. Bulky sold the good stuff, like Jelly Bellies, Runts, and designer gummy worms. Bulk candy is an enigma in itself though. How many grubby hands have been in that bin??? Who touched the scooper?? And when did it last fall onto the floor?? Bulk candy is still found in grocery stores these days, so sanitary reasons are not why this place went under. Not sure what happened. I mean, there’s all those studies out there saying candy is GOOD for you! …After all, my “small square” of dark chocolate will go nicely with my “moderate amounts” of red wine.

B Dalton: It was located next to Stuarts at Brookdale, so if I was patient enough while my mom shopped for clothes and not start throwing a whining fit, I was allowed to get the new Babysitters Club book (that is, if I didn’t already have it on order from the Troll Book Club) and read about Claudia Kishi hiding candy in her room (can you imagine the bugs & rodents she probably had in that room? DISGUSTING).

B Dalton was, well, just a bookstore. You don’t see that very often these days, with the presence of Barnes and Noble or a Borders. A bookstore is like a hangout place these days. Kind of like a libary, without all the strict rules.  At least at a B&N, you can sip coffee, page through a magazine, have a conversation, and not get harrased by bitchy librarians on a power trip.

There’s no way could you read read an entire book at B Dalton, the way you can at B&N. There was no coffee shop inside. No chairs or tables.  Just books. I miss bookstores like that.

Inside a McGlynn's store

McGlynn’s Bakery: They used to have a presence in most Target and grocery stores. I’d always, always beg for a large frosted cookie whenever we’d shop at the Crystal Target, but MOM SAID NO! (frequent readers of this blog probably think my mom deprived me of every joy of childhood, the way my poor mom is written about in this blog – so far, she’s deprived me of a slushie in Kmart...movies, and a wood-paneled mini van. But no, that’s really not the case )

Mom might’ve said no, but GRANDMA said yes! After all, Grandma didn’t mind if I was loaded up with sugar – I’d be out of her hair in about 10 minutes. After we were done at Target, we’d drop Grandma off at her house, and I’d have my mom to pester and annoy while on my sugar high from that damn cookie.

I worked at a McGlynn’s Bakery for about 3 days when I was in high school. I took the job expecting to, you know, BAKE stuff. Cookies! cakes! Bread! Oh how I LOVE the smell of baking bread! You can keep your meth; there’s no better high.

To my utter disappointment, I found out that all of McGlynn’s products were “baked” offsite and sent to the stores. Nothing was fresh. All you did is heat it up in the toaster oven, Applebees-style. It forever ruined McGlynn’s bakeries for me. I was expecting to decorate cakes and bake cookies, but no, all I did was shove stuff into toaster ovens and pull cakes out of the fridge, even though I had to wear the plastic white chef hat and apron.  I can only imagine what a TGIFriday’s “chef” feels like. McGlynn’s closed in December 2003

Builders Square: Whenever we’d shop for lumber for the cabin, it was either here or Menards, never Knox. My parents hated Knox for some reason. My mom did all the shopping for the supplies instead of my dad, and she would always write the check out to “Builders” and then draw a square. It always caused the cashier to LOL. The Brooklyn Center location was located next to a County Market grocery store. The whole strip center was razed though, sometime in the ’90s when the Rainbow Foods came to

Builders Square logo

town (which is now closed). I think Builders Square went out of business in the late ’90s, around ’97 or so. I know why, too. They didn’t have a decent candy section, like the other home improvement stores. I don’t know about you, but Menards has a damn good candy and beef jerky selection! I’ll go there just for the candy sometimes.

Contempo Casuals:  Contempo died out long ago – around the time Britney Spears was carousing around in a Catholic school girl’s uniform….that she probably bought at Contempo. They sold that sort of shit there.  This is where ALL the girls in high school got their wardrobe. Backless shirts, asymmetrical skirts, pleather jackets with shoulder pads, plaid flannel babydoll dresses with matching t-shirts to wear underneath, velvet chokers, plaid mini skirts, and BODY SUITS – those always confused me – how are you supposed to go to the bathroom?? Snaps on the crotch area, but that’s a lot of fiddling around to do…

Contempo Casuals is now Wet Seal. It just isn’t the same.

Two + Two: PLASTIC JEWELRY AHOY! The jewelry this place sold could be compared to the stuff you’d find in the Perkins Wishing Well. This is where you bought those plastic charm necklaces that were so popular

I don't think my friend in the diamond business would approve...

back in the ’80s. It was a neon-colored plastic chain-link necklace and you’d buy random colorful plastic charms to hook onto it. The charms were very random. I had baseball bat charm, a strawberry, an eagle, a hairdryer. a soda pop bottle…it really didn’t matter what the charm was – the more charms on your necklace, the cooler you were. The 2+2 I went to was located in the Brookdale Mall, in a tent-like structure in the middle of the mall, right outside of Dayton’s and next to the Piercing Pagoda (also in a tent).

LaBelle’s/BEST: This store was a catalog showroom. They sold a lot of glass knick-knacks, bridge sets, household items, and jewelry – TONS of jewelry. This is the place where you’d get a gadget for $19.99 and only use once before it ends up forgotten in a storage closet. They’d have a display model out on the shelf, and if you wanted it, you’d take a ticket to a store employee who would give it to somebody in the “back” and your purchase would be rolled out of the stockroom. It was kind of cool – my mom worked there for a little while, so we bought a lot of stuff there with her discount. The LaBelle’s/BEST store in Brooklyn Center is now the Best Buy.

RUNNER UP: Abercromie & Fitch: I only miss OLD SKOOL A&F. Back in the old days when they sold camping supplies, pop-up bathtubs, and guns. It had a men’s smoking room type feel to the place. Now you step into the place and walk out with a pounding headache, smelling like a whorehouse.

10.) The Thomas Kinkade “Art” Gallery:
If Anne Geddes photos are your idea of art, the Thomas Kinkade store might be for you. After all, who’s buying Picasso these days anyway?

I’ve never seen anyone in the Thomas Kinkade store, except during Christmastime. If they’re not buying paintings, they’re stocking up on the fugly keychains/calendars/coffee mugs. I imagine the “artwork” is quite expensive. Every painting is a  “limited edition” even though every damn one of them has the same glowing thatched roof cottage and sugary-sweet nature scene. His “work” is nothing but an expensive Paint-By-Number. Why not save yourself hundreds of dollars and go to Ben Franklin and create your own?

However, what I wouldn’t give to see his rendition of dogs playing poker…

9.) Dots

If Kim Kardashian was broke, she’d shop at Dots. If you thought that Fashion Bug, Rainbow, and DEB were the lowest rungs on the women’s clothing store ladder, then you obviously haven’t been to DOTS. DOTS is disposable clothing at its finest. Think neon colored shirts with attached necklaces, hot pink bras, checkerboard patterned pants, plastic booty shorts, and just some absolutely BIZARRE “trendy” shit.

Clothing made with any natural fiber is nowhere to be found in this boutique – it’s a GHETTO-LICIOUS polyester paradise. Everything in the store used to be $10 or less, but I believe their prices are a bit more these days. The only Dots I know of in the Twin Cities area is located in the Har Mar Mall in Roseville.

I suppose it stays in business just because it is so cheap. It’s just that it’s so incredibly tacky I can’t imagine why anyone with a smidgen of fashion sense would shop here. Why not save your $10 and put it towards an outfit at Macys that will last through at least one spin cycle?

8.) Payless Shoe Source:
Payless catapulted the BOGO phrase into pop culture and made the dyed-to-match satin bridesmaid shoes a gold standard at weddings. Other than that, it doesn’t have much to offer, except for the obvious,  of course –cheap plastic shoes that give your feet a blister the minute you put them on and ugly knock-off monogram Louis Vuitton bags.

Last time I bought a pair of shoes at Payless, the plastic made my feet sweat so bad that I had to carefully peel the shoes off my feet, as not to tear away any of my skin.  Never again!

Why do people torture themselves like that? You’ve only got one pair of feet – treat them well. It’s amazing that people still shop here.  Spend $10-$20 more and get a better pair of shoes at the department store that won’t cause your feet to insta-blister or sweat.

7.) Cache:

Cache: Outfitting mob wives and cougars since 1990

If Carmella Soprano owned a store, Cache would be it. Cheap-looking, flashy, vinyl Vegas wear — it’s like BeBe for the over 40 crowd. This is where Cathy Cougar shops for her “night on the town” outfit to reel in that 21 year old college student at First Ave.

The clothing in this store is incredibly overpriced and tacky and I NEVER see anyone shopping in this store or anyone in the mall carrying a Cache shopping bag. How they stay in business is beyond me.

6.) Love from Minnesota: It’s a local chain found in nearly every Minnesota mall, but I’m sure whereever you’re from, your state has one of these tourist memorabilia stores filled to the rafters with generic screen printed t-shirts, cheesy postcards on a rotating rack, and ugly overpriced chotchkies in your shopping centers. The Mall of America alone has about 50 of these stores spread throughout the mall-so if the impulse hits you to buy a teddy bear with “Mall of America” on its belly or a t-shirt with a written profession of your newfound love for the land of 10,000 lakes, you’re never more than 50 feet away. Are tourists really purchasing this pricey shit? I don’t know about you, but if I go to Missouri, I don’t feel the need to buy golf balls with an “I <3 Missouri” inscription.

Let's be realistic here. Bears do not drink coffee or read newspapers. They want the good shit, like watermelon rinds and day-old pork products.

They’re also well-stocked with those ugly ceramic black bear collectible figurines. For the record, I hate that shit. Those bears are always doing something ridiculous that a REAL grizzly bear just cannot do. Like playing on a teeter totter or drinking tea. Fuck. Where’s the “black bear ransacks through the trash” statuette? Now THAT I’d buy.

5) Dress Barn

A women’s clothing store named after a building in which farm animals live? Just by its name alone, it’s a wonder this place gets ANY customers. Its name implies that you’ll look as big as a house wearing their clothing — and judging by the matronly look of most of their apparel, it isn’t that far off. I guess the name “Dress Barn” is better than, say, Trouser Trough, Slacks Sty, or Clothing Combine. Despite its horrible name, chubby middle-aged moms who’ve “given up” and senior citizen women alike FLOCK here for the frump.

If you’ve ever wondered where Dowdy Darla at the office gets here wardrobe, there’s a good chance she’s shopping at Dress Barn. This is where they still sell elastic waist jeans, ’90s style business attire, boxy twinsets, and shapeless tunics. Think QVC-style clothing in a brick and mortar setting.

4) The Body Shop
I never see anyone in this store. The mall could have a Bath & Body Works AND a Body Shop – Bath & Body Works is packed, and The Body Shop will be empty. The store is so tiny that I feel like a bull in a china shop. I don’t know what it is, but it seems so dark and depressing – if I’m buying yummy-smelling bath products, I don’t want to shop in a gloomy store. Plus, their products are kinda…out there. Weird hemp products, strange scents…I bought a blueberry body butter and when I opened it up, it looked like Crisco. Yuck.

3) Franklin Covey:

Who the hell uses paper daytime planners these days? You can’t sync your leather planner with your Outlook calendar, unless you want to get writer’s cramp. And there’s just a downright pretentious feeling to the place. With the faux stone columns of its storefront, I feel like I’m walking into a museum of binders. A little foreboading, perhaps? Paper planners and organizers probably WILL be in a museum in next few years. Adding to the pretention, they’re closed on Sundays. While that’s great for the employees, if you have a RETAIL business that markets items toward the 8-5 crowd, why close on a day when your target market has the free time to shop?

2) Glamour Shots:
Pancake makeup! Fat ladies in boas! Prom hair and fuzzy lighting! Over-the-shoulder poses! Yes, ladies, Glamour Shots is STILL around, providing headshots for realtors since 1992, Although they’ve toned down the cheese factor a bit over the years, it’s still the place to go if you want wallet-sized photos of yourself in all of your foxy badness.

Every girl, no matter what age, wanted a Glamour Shots photo shoot in the ’90s. If you were getting your highschool senior portraits done here, they’d make you look like you were 40. They made all little girls look like Jon Benet Ramsey. Adult ladies looked like daytime soap stars from 1987. But no matter age you were, the photographer would the obligatory “denim studded jacket with a cowboy hat shot” -  Gah.

1) Radio Shack:
High pressure sales on AA batteries? No thanks! Not when I can go to Target and buy the same batteries CHEAPER and without the sales associate trying to “upsell” me a remote controlled car. And who plays with remote control cars these days anyway?

I think I’ve only purchased one thing from Radio Shack in the last 10 years. It was some sort of video cable that I probably could’ve bought at Best Buy. They made me give my name, address, and telephone number for a $4.99 CASH purchase. Who knows, these days they’re probably asking for your Social Security number, mother’s maiden name, and the name of the street you grew up on…and then having you to pass a “word verification” test to make sure you’re human.