Bob for treasure inside the Ax-Man Surplus store

If you’re the kind of person who’s ever wanted a metal detector for Christmas, this is the store for you. AxMan is just all kinds of awesome. So awesome that it deserves its own entry. If you’re not familiar with the Ax-Man, it’s the brick ‘n mortar version of RANDOM.  It’s the perfect place to complete your Halloween costume,  get stuff for your kid’s elementary school science fair diorama, replace a bulb on a string of Christmas lights, AND has everything you need to start your own home meth lab. ALL UNDER ONE ROOF! How many stores can attest to THAT?

There are 3 locations in the Twin Cities (St. Louis Park, St. Paul, and Fridley).

Correction/update: 12.17.08 – A helpful reader informed me that there is a new AxMax location in Crystal.

Dumpy Strip Malls visited the Fridley store. The Fridley store is located in Moore Lake Commons, a pretty boring strip mall, if it weren’t for the Ax-Man. Well…there’s a Fantasy Gifts here too (think SexWorld for the Suburbs). Oh, and there’s a Subway.

5 dollar. 5 dollar. 5 dollar footlongs.

So I guess Moore Lake Commons is not all that boring.

Heh. Anyway…

So, by now you get the idea that the AxMan isn’t a dollar store and it isn’t a thrift store. It’s a surplus store – they sell

Perfect gift for the kid who loves playing in traffic!

shit no one else will. Their inventory changes almost every day, so there’s always new gems to find. If a business had a fire sale, AxMan’s the kind of place that would buy all of the leftover shit no one wanted. Sure, it might be a little cluttered and messy in here, but unlike the thrift store, AxMan is a HAPPY place. Their employees have a sense of humor and write funny little descriptions on the placecards near each product.  Thrift stores, on the other hand, are are downright depressing. The Goodwill always smells like mothballs and the second-hand merchandise is strewn about the store. Dirty, discarded playthings, pilly sweaters, Happy Meal action figures from 1994, endless copies of “The Superbowl Shuffle” on cassette, moth-mauled scarves, and so on. And their pricing is ridiculous! Last time I was there, they were trying to sell a plain T-shirt from The Gap for $6.99! Fuck, who are they trying to kid? I can go to Rosedale and buy a brand new one cheaper. It’s a complete buzzkill. The most depressing part of going to a thrift store is checking out the clothes and finding a label inside a sweater with a “Made with Care from Grandma” tag. Poor Grandma. If only she knew that the sweater she made with LOVE and CARE would end up thrown in a thrift store
donation bag a few years later.

Oh. Right. Ax-Man Surplus store. I’m right on it!

The Ax-Man’s a triple threat: You’ll laugh (at the funny signs), you’ll cry (after seeing naked doll butts), and you’re going to find shit to buy that you just don’t need. But that’s okay! It’s the Ax-Man — it’s cheap enough that you don’t feel bad about it. No buyers remorse here! So if your husband tells you he’s going to the Ax-Man, don’t fret. He won’t blow your life savings like he might at Home Depot. Hell, go with him! Seriously. Cuz you’ll find something you’ll like there, too.

EVERYONE can find something at the Ax-Man. I do mean EVERYONE.
Wires for Darryl, the DIY fixit dude.
Rubber rats for Perry the Prankster.
Colored pencils for Ariel the Artist.
Playboy bunny logo party cups for Todd the Tomcat.
Engine parts for George the Gear Head.
Yellow felt for Sally the Seamstress.
Grow lights for Persephone the Pot Farmer.

Beakers for Bill Nye, the science guy.
and plastic beads for Tom Shane.

Ah HA! So this is the little fucker I saw hiding in the bushes last night! I'm warning you, if it happens again, I am calling the cops!

I challenge you to walk out of this store empty-handed! It just won’t happen. Their sociopath mascot won’t let it.

The AxMan has a murderous minion of a mascot. This wee little man looks like mini-me, but instead of wearing dapper gray suit & tie, he’s decked out in a ski mask and casually carries around an axe.

Sure, he might have a friendly smirk on that face, but we know better.  Behind that passive-aggressive smile is a little demonboy. Leave here empty-handed and he might pull a “Jack Nicholson in The Shining” and do a 1-8-7 on yer ass. Remember – this cute munchkin is carrying a fucking axe, people. Be careful.

Yep, our little AxMan makes the Candyman look like a pussy.

Anyway, I have no idea what half this stuff here is for – lots of aisles with wires, metal wheels, latex tubing, plastic discs, and other various industrial do-dads.  It looks like leftover toxic waste from 3-Mile Island. They have an aisle devoted to craft items like googley-eyes and rubber stamps and another section with a bunch of plastic toys kids will choke on. Another row had plastic syringes, medical tape, and enough beakers to make a witch doctor blush. I saw an entire section with all different kinds of lightbulbs – Christmas lights, black lights, strobe lights, etc. There IS a way to bring the disco home!

Most of this stuff in here could be fed to a junkyard dog, yet I find it completely amazing. How I’ve lived for so long without most of this stuff is beyond me.

Everything in this place is just so random and senseless. A rat window decal. Plastic VHS cases. Abe Lincoln gift bags. A toothbrush that gives a shout out to the Mesozoic era. Backpacks with the phrase “Arby’s 5-for-5″ embroidered on the pouch. Jars of colorful marbles. Pencil eraser heads. Pure mayhem, I tell you.

This store is truly a treasure, and if you have a little time to spare, I highly recommend paying a visit.

Go ahead and treat yourself to something nice!

This stuff would be a great snack for my friend’s pet bunny, whose main diet consists of printer insides, ipod headphone cords, and telephone wire

Check this out - nothing says "Happy Birthday" like a drug company promotional swag bag with Abe Lincoln plastered on the front.

This is what happens to the dolls who get voted off the Island of Misfit toys

If that Caveman show on ABC wouldn't have been canceled, I don't think these guys would be in an AxMan bin for 95 cents

A rat decal on your car window will make even a Dodge Neon look fucking HARD CORE.

Guys! Here's a piece of advice: Drape yourself in this gorg fabric, hit the clubs, get piss ass drunk, and holla at some ladies. You WILL get laid.

You could really punk someone with this stuff. Why should Ashton Kutcher have all the fun?

Halloween was 2 months ago, but that doesn't stop the AxMan from peddling pumpkin pencils and Frankenstein gift bag.

Okay, I could make a Snakes on a Plane joke, but I just don't have the energy.

Secretly, everyone wants to be Conan the Barbarian, hiking in the wilderness, and cooking wild animals. This floozy looks like she's living the dream, wearing an outdoorsy ensemble with the swank panache only an outfit from Ax-Man can provide.

THIS is why you go to AxMan - where else can you see a gallopping merry-go-round horse hanging from the ceiling?

Hmm...A dinosaur toothbrush? Makes sense. T-Rex had to have some pretty strong & healthy teeth to gnaw on a straight diet of Stegosauruses and Triceratops.

Hitler hats, anyone? Dick Enrico could've used these for his commercials to add a touch of authenticity.

All photos taken December 2008.