10.) The Thomas Kinkade “Art” Gallery:
If Anne Geddes photos are your idea of art, the Thomas Kinkade store might be for you. After all, who’s buying Picasso these days anyway?

I’ve never seen anyone in the Thomas Kinkade store, except during Christmastime. If they’re not buying paintings, they’re stocking up on the fugly keychains/calendars/coffee mugs. I imagine the “artwork” is quite expensive. Every painting is a  “limited edition” even though every damn one of them has the same glowing thatched roof cottage and sugary-sweet nature scene. His “work” is nothing but an expensive Paint-By-Number. Why not save yourself hundreds of dollars and go to Ben Franklin and create your own?

However, what I wouldn’t give to see his rendition of dogs playing poker…

9.) Dots

If Kim Kardashian was broke, she’d shop at Dots. If you thought that Fashion Bug, Rainbow, and DEB were the lowest rungs on the women’s clothing store ladder, then you obviously haven’t been to DOTS. DOTS is disposable clothing at its finest. Think neon colored shirts with attached necklaces, hot pink bras, checkerboard patterned pants, plastic booty shorts, and just some absolutely BIZARRE “trendy” shit.

Clothing made with any natural fiber is nowhere to be found in this boutique – it’s a GHETTO-LICIOUS polyester paradise. Everything in the store used to be $10 or less, but I believe their prices are a bit more these days. The only Dots I know of in the Twin Cities area is located in the Har Mar Mall in Roseville.

I suppose it stays in business just because it is so cheap. It’s just that it’s so incredibly tacky I can’t imagine why anyone with a smidgen of fashion sense would shop here. Why not save your $10 and put it towards an outfit at Macys that will last through at least one spin cycle?

8.) Payless Shoe Source:
Payless catapulted the BOGO phrase into pop culture and made the dyed-to-match satin bridesmaid shoes a gold standard at weddings. Other than that, it doesn’t have much to offer, except for the obvious,  of course –cheap plastic shoes that give your feet a blister the minute you put them on and ugly knock-off monogram Louis Vuitton bags.

Last time I bought a pair of shoes at Payless, the plastic made my feet sweat so bad that I had to carefully peel the shoes off my feet, as not to tear away any of my skin.  Never again!

Why do people torture themselves like that? You’ve only got one pair of feet – treat them well. It’s amazing that people still shop here.  Spend $10-$20 more and get a better pair of shoes at the department store that won’t cause your feet to insta-blister or sweat.

7.) Cache:

Cache: Outfitting mob wives and cougars since 1990

If Carmella Soprano owned a store, Cache would be it. Cheap-looking, flashy, vinyl Vegas wear — it’s like BeBe for the over 40 crowd. This is where Cathy Cougar shops for her “night on the town” outfit to reel in that 21 year old college student at First Ave.

The clothing in this store is incredibly overpriced and tacky and I NEVER see anyone shopping in this store or anyone in the mall carrying a Cache shopping bag. How they stay in business is beyond me.

6.) Love from Minnesota: It’s a local chain found in nearly every Minnesota mall, but I’m sure whereever you’re from, your state has one of these tourist memorabilia stores filled to the rafters with generic screen printed t-shirts, cheesy postcards on a rotating rack, and ugly overpriced chotchkies in your shopping centers. The Mall of America alone has about 50 of these stores spread throughout the mall-so if the impulse hits you to buy a teddy bear with “Mall of America” on its belly or a t-shirt with a written profession of your newfound love for the land of 10,000 lakes, you’re never more than 50 feet away. Are tourists really purchasing this pricey shit? I don’t know about you, but if I go to Missouri, I don’t feel the need to buy golf balls with an “I <3 Missouri” inscription.

Let's be realistic here. Bears do not drink coffee or read newspapers. They want the good shit, like watermelon rinds and day-old pork products.

They’re also well-stocked with those ugly ceramic black bear collectible figurines. For the record, I hate that shit. Those bears are always doing something ridiculous that a REAL grizzly bear just cannot do. Like playing on a teeter totter or drinking tea. Fuck. Where’s the “black bear ransacks through the trash” statuette? Now THAT I’d buy.

5) Dress Barn

A women’s clothing store named after a building in which farm animals live? Just by its name alone, it’s a wonder this place gets ANY customers. Its name implies that you’ll look as big as a house wearing their clothing — and judging by the matronly look of most of their apparel, it isn’t that far off. I guess the name “Dress Barn” is better than, say, Trouser Trough, Slacks Sty, or Clothing Combine. Despite its horrible name, chubby middle-aged moms who’ve “given up” and senior citizen women alike FLOCK here for the frump.

If you’ve ever wondered where Dowdy Darla at the office gets here wardrobe, there’s a good chance she’s shopping at Dress Barn. This is where they still sell elastic waist jeans, ’90s style business attire, boxy twinsets, and shapeless tunics. Think QVC-style clothing in a brick and mortar setting.

4) The Body Shop
I never see anyone in this store. The mall could have a Bath & Body Works AND a Body Shop – Bath & Body Works is packed, and The Body Shop will be empty. The store is so tiny that I feel like a bull in a china shop. I don’t know what it is, but it seems so dark and depressing – if I’m buying yummy-smelling bath products, I don’t want to shop in a gloomy store. Plus, their products are kinda…out there. Weird hemp products, strange scents…I bought a blueberry body butter and when I opened it up, it looked like Crisco. Yuck.

3) Franklin Covey:

Who the hell uses paper daytime planners these days? You can’t sync your leather planner with your Outlook calendar, unless you want to get writer’s cramp. And there’s just a downright pretentious feeling to the place. With the faux stone columns of its storefront, I feel like I’m walking into a museum of binders. A little foreboading, perhaps? Paper planners and organizers probably WILL be in a museum in next few years. Adding to the pretention, they’re closed on Sundays. While that’s great for the employees, if you have a RETAIL business that markets items toward the 8-5 crowd, why close on a day when your target market has the free time to shop?

2) Glamour Shots:
Pancake makeup! Fat ladies in boas! Prom hair and fuzzy lighting! Over-the-shoulder poses! Yes, ladies, Glamour Shots is STILL around, providing headshots for realtors since 1992, Although they’ve toned down the cheese factor a bit over the years, it’s still the place to go if you want wallet-sized photos of yourself in all of your foxy badness.

Every girl, no matter what age, wanted a Glamour Shots photo shoot in the ’90s. If you were getting your highschool senior portraits done here, they’d make you look like you were 40. They made all little girls look like Jon Benet Ramsey. Adult ladies looked like daytime soap stars from 1987. But no matter age you were, the photographer would the obligatory “denim studded jacket with a cowboy hat shot” -  Gah.

1) Radio Shack:
High pressure sales on AA batteries? No thanks! Not when I can go to Target and buy the same batteries CHEAPER and without the sales associate trying to “upsell” me a remote controlled car. And who plays with remote control cars these days anyway?

I think I’ve only purchased one thing from Radio Shack in the last 10 years. It was some sort of video cable that I probably could’ve bought at Best Buy. They made me give my name, address, and telephone number for a $4.99 CASH purchase. Who knows, these days they’re probably asking for your Social Security number, mother’s maiden name, and the name of the street you grew up on…and then having you to pass a “word verification” test to make sure you’re human.

With MGM Liquor as a neighbor, the Northtown Mall gives off that high class, puttin' on the Ritz kind of vibe.

Now that the Minnesota State Fair is over, us Minnesotans will have to wait an entire YEAR before we can see Minnesota’s best mullets, rat-tails, and muffin-tops on parade.

Don’t deny it – we all know you’re not going to the fair to oogle the riding lawnmowers or fawn over all that informerical shit in the bazaar. Quit kidding yourself; you go there for the PEOPLE WATCHING. And when the Minnesota State Fair shuts down for the season, the people-watching side show also shuts down. So how’s a people-watching afficiando supposed to get their jollies the other 50 weeks of the year? Well folks, I have the answer.

Come to the Northtown Mall.

Along with Billy Big Mouth Bass and mounted deer heads, these moving light pictures are a popular fixture in the local homes

Normally, you'd see several Camaros with flamed-out paint jobs in the parking lot. I must've visited on an off day

Serving the exquisite north suburban communities of Spring Lake Park, Fridley, Coon Rapids, and Blaine, the Northtown Mall naturally attracts some very interesting clientele. Common creatures include -

• Mulleted men in wife-beaters with a round can popping out of the back pocket of the wranglers (Chicks dig that)
• Pregnant teens
• Toby Keith fans
• Middle-aged ladies with bottle-blonde frizz, teased mall bangs standing 8 inches high, hot-pink nails, and a stained NASCAR t-shirt pushing a stroller with 5 screaming brats fighting over a bag of rapidly cooling Burger King french fries.

Burlington Coat Factory sells CLASS and STYLE to Northtown Mall shoppers

See, it’s just like the people-watching at the state fair! Only in an enclosed, climate-controlled enviroment, open year-round! What fun.

110 stores? Really? I think someone's doing a little fuzzy math here... (photo taken August, 2007)

OH NOES! (2008, Herberger's remodel)

Herberger's is coming to save the mall! And hopefully help the Northtown shoppers dress like they're from this decade)

Northtown Mall is a one-level mall, which opened in 1972 with a whopping 33 stores. It was remodeled in 1988 and, at the time, had 120 stores. Prior to this renovation, I’ve read that this mall was very dark & dreary (probably very Brookdale-esque), but I never visited this mall until 1992. I was a tween in 1992, and the best part about going to the Northtown Mall was checking out Spencer Gifts, Mr. Bulky, and Woolworth’s for their selection of “RUSS” Troll Dolls. Actually, I shouldn’t include Woolworth’s on that list – they only sold the “Treasure Troll” brand Troll Dolls, which weren’t as desirable as the Russ trolls. Anyway.

So if Brookdale is the Twin Cities’ ghetto mall, then Northtown is its trashy counterpart. I wouldn’t quite say it’s in Brookdale Center dead mall territory yet, but it has seen its better days. This isn’t a mall around which you’d plan your entire afternoon – unless you’re people-watching.

A popular smoke break hangout for Northtown Mall workers

Northtown’s anchors have seen a lot of turnaround. Here’s how some of the anchors have changed (I am going completely by memory – if you have corrections, please let me know!)
Donaldsons (closed early 90s) > Carson Piere Scott (closed early 90′s) > Mervyn’s (Closed 2004) > empty space/hallway/Banks (sealed off early 2008) > Herbergers
MainStreet (closed 1989) > Kohls (closed Summer 2004) > Burlington Coat Factory
HomeGoods (Closed 2001) > Steve & Barry’s (opened 2003)
Montgomery Wards (closed 2001) > sealed off > demolished to make way for Home Depot
Woolworth (closed early ’90s) > Best Buy

Ahoy, mateys!

Another view of old skool Northtown signage

Other former non-anchor stores in the Northtown Mall include:
Applebee’s (now moved to a location in the middle of the mall parking lot)
Petite Sophisticate
Casual Corner
First Barber Stylists
Some pet store, next to the hair salon
Mr. Bulky
Picadelly Circus Arcade
Kay Bee Toys
…I honestly can’t remember any other stores. If you know of any, please let me know!

The old Mervyn's location was converted into a mall hallway. This was sealed up in 2008 to make room for the Herbergers

Another view of the creepy hallway, July 2007

In 2006, this was a "Banks" store for a little while

Today, Northtown mall keeps chuggin’ along. In the past year, LA Fitness and Home Depot have set up shop, as well as a new Herberger’s store that’s expected to open within the month. Sure, it’s a trashy mall, but it has character, which many of the new malls simply do not have. In all honesty, it might not be the prettiest place, but it’s an okay-place to shop. It’s safe, has your typical mall offerings, and it usually isn’t terribly crowded (especially when NASCAR races are on the boob tube).

Enjoy the rest of the photos! (Photos taken August 2008)

This way to Steve & Barry's!!! Hurry, quick! Ill-fitting highwater olive green chinos are on sale! ONLY $8.98 (or less!) Supplies are limited!

Northtown Mall has a kids play area with equipment that looks like a giant piece of dog shit atop a blue bowl

Creepy mall hallways have been frightening Northtown shoppers for decades

Lockers at the mall. WTF. I suppose if all the lockers at LA Fitness are in use, you can stuff your gym bag in here

Applebee's is closed. You'll have to walk across the parking lot to get your microwaved dinner, folks

Another view of the dead Applebee's

Ladies, if you're looking to flirt with the Federline-type, pick up a man at the Northtown Best Buy! Hubba, hubba!

The Northtown Bath & Body Works still uses the old store front

Speaking of old store fronts, Express hasn't updated its signage since 1986! A rare sight indeed! "Camgainge Internationale"

This shiny blue tiled wall once housed the Picadelly Circus arcade, ripping off thousands of teens back in its heyday

At Victoria's Secret, they just don't leave you alone until they've chased you around the store a few times and forced a black shopping bag in your hand

Seduce your man by picking up some new polka dot lingerie at Victoria's Secret. That's hot.

Upon entering Victoria's Secret, a perky sales associate will chase you around the store, pestering you to apply for an Angels card

Radio Shack is still in business. I bet you could even find a VHS deck inside, if you looked hard enough!

A picturesque view of the cosmopolitan food court

Northtown's recently renovated food court

Which way to the Dollar Tree?

Nothing says "class" better than an outfit from DEB

This is where Kohls used to be.