A weedy, reedy swamp and a rusty highway rail complete the picturesque view of the Fridley Crab House

Welcome to the Fridley Crab House Music Cafe — Fridley’s mistake by the lake.

First off, being that it’s a shabby-looking CRAB house,  I suppose you’re waiting for me to roll off a bunch of STD jokes about creepy-crawly creatures feasting on someone’s diseased groin. Aww, c’mon, that’s just too easy and cliched.  STD jokes about a crabhouse are very “…what’s the deal with airline food? And Grape Nuts? There are no grapes or nuts…what gives?”, ya know?

Anyway, this joint opened in 1968 as the Shorewood Restaurant. It stayed as the Shorewood Restaurant until sometime in the early ’00s.  It was bought out by (I’m assuming…) the same people who own the St. Croix Crab House Music Cafe. Damn, that’s a mouthful.

Even when this place was in business, the outside always looked like Red Lobster’s sad sack cousin. (And if you’re like me and not a fan of Ol’ Red, that’s not saying much). It had the same type of cliched seafood restaurant outdoor decor – nautical ropes, sawed-off wooden stumps, and a counterfeit dock for a walkway.

The Crabby House

It did have one thing going for it that most Red Lobsters don’t: It was next to a body of water, almost giving the impression that the fish they serve is caught fresh near the premises. Thank goodness it’s not – no way in hell I’d want to eat anything caught out of Moore Lake.  I do see people fishing here, quite often actually. What the heck are they catching, carp? Bullheads? Geese droppings? It can’t be anything worth frying up; I don’t think Moore Lake is stocked with walleye.

Door's open

Anyway, this joint tries to pass as some seaside boardwalk cafe in a lazy beach town serving today’s catch. In reality it’s a smokey dive bar with a shitty live band, serving processed seafood & low-grade crab meat trucked in from 2000+ miles away, surrounded by a parking lot filled with cigarette butts, all while overlooking a swamp in an inner-ring Minneapolis suburb.

A SIGN that the Shorewood restaurant was once here. Unfortunatly, some careless driver rammed it into the tree.

Now, to be fair, I only ate here once a few years ago (when it was the Fridley Crab House) and never returned. Once was ENOUGH. I heard that it was better when it was the Shorewood Restaurant, but I never had the chance to visit. I went with a friend who had a craving for seafood, and since she lived close by, we decided to give this place a shot. After all, how bad could it be?

Yetch. If you think the outside looks shoddy, the inside was just as lovely.   It had a dark and smokey (this was pre-smoking ban days) atmosphere, wobbly tables, cracked vinyl booths, a scratched-up dance floor, and had all the town drunks lined up at the bar crying in their beer — the Oceanaire, this ain’t.

Now, I’m not a huge seafood fan. I’ll eat it, but I don’t seek it out on a regular basis. So I can’t speak to the crab, but I’m guessing they didn’t serve the stuff they net on The Deadliest Catch.  And the fresh salmon they advertised was probably not wrestled from the paws of baby grizzlies. I’m sure it was all trucked in, Sysco-style.

I remember the hostess seemed to have an attitude and our server looked like she just rolled out of bed. We should’ve left right there, but we pressed on and ordered cheap happy hour well drinks and appetizers. I think I had the walleye fingers or something.  I wasn’t impressed because all I could taste was the breading. We also ordered onion rings that were dripping in grease. The drinks were served in spotty glasses and were very weak – not that I was looking to get twisted up in that bitch (though it would’ve taken the edge off dining in this hellhole) – but if I wanted a glass of melting ice cubes with a splash of soda, I would’ve ordered a diet coke, not a Cap’n Diet.

Something FISHY is going on at the Crab House…

They did have live music here, but we ate here too early in the evening to experience this. I can only imagine that once the band starts up, the shit starts goin’ down. The alcohol gets flowin’, the men start mackin’ on the hussies, and next thing you know it, you’re either walking out with a black eye or the girl. This hole-in-the-wall looked like it could get pretty damn wild. It’s one of those places that by closing time, a dozen chairs have been thrown, a few tables tipped over, and every once in a while, the fuzz shows up to break up a  brawl.

As expected, the bathrooms were gross. The walls looked like they had 30 coats of paint and the locks on the majority of the stalls were broken. They also had an outdoor patio — you know, so you could enjoy the scenic view of the marsh, watch horseflies crawl all over your popcorn shrimp, puff on a Winston, and get eaten alive by blood-thirsty mosquitoes.

The crab house closed sometime in the fall of 2008. I believe it was because the owner was/is facing tax evasion charges, not because of the shitty service and food. As of today, something’s up at the Crab House. It looks like someone bought this place, though this cannot be confirmed at press time. If this is so, I do hope the new owners gut the inside (looks like they’ve already begun), give the exterior a new coat of paint, and re-pave the parking lot. This place probably could be a fun hangout spot, if done right.

Photos taken May 2009.

Moore Lake "Beach"

See what I mean? This city has a MAJOR geese problem

Bob for treasure inside the Ax-Man Surplus store

If you’re the kind of person who’s ever wanted a metal detector for Christmas, this is the store for you. AxMan is just all kinds of awesome. So awesome that it deserves its own entry. If you’re not familiar with the Ax-Man, it’s the brick ‘n mortar version of RANDOM.  It’s the perfect place to complete your Halloween costume,  get stuff for your kid’s elementary school science fair diorama, replace a bulb on a string of Christmas lights, AND has everything you need to start your own home meth lab. ALL UNDER ONE ROOF! How many stores can attest to THAT?

There are 3 locations in the Twin Cities (St. Louis Park, St. Paul, and Fridley).

Correction/update: 12.17.08 – A helpful reader informed me that there is a new AxMax location in Crystal.

Dumpy Strip Malls visited the Fridley store. The Fridley store is located in Moore Lake Commons, a pretty boring strip mall, if it weren’t for the Ax-Man. Well…there’s a Fantasy Gifts here too (think SexWorld for the Suburbs). Oh, and there’s a Subway.

5 dollar. 5 dollar. 5 dollar footlongs.

So I guess Moore Lake Commons is not all that boring.

Heh. Anyway…

So, by now you get the idea that the AxMan isn’t a dollar store and it isn’t a thrift store. It’s a surplus store – they sell

Perfect gift for the kid who loves playing in traffic!

shit no one else will. Their inventory changes almost every day, so there’s always new gems to find. If a business had a fire sale, AxMan’s the kind of place that would buy all of the leftover shit no one wanted. Sure, it might be a little cluttered and messy in here, but unlike the thrift store, AxMan is a HAPPY place. Their employees have a sense of humor and write funny little descriptions on the placecards near each product.  Thrift stores, on the other hand, are are downright depressing. The Goodwill always smells like mothballs and the second-hand merchandise is strewn about the store. Dirty, discarded playthings, pilly sweaters, Happy Meal action figures from 1994, endless copies of “The Superbowl Shuffle” on cassette, moth-mauled scarves, and so on. And their pricing is ridiculous! Last time I was there, they were trying to sell a plain T-shirt from The Gap for $6.99! Fuck, who are they trying to kid? I can go to Rosedale and buy a brand new one cheaper. It’s a complete buzzkill. The most depressing part of going to a thrift store is checking out the clothes and finding a label inside a sweater with a “Made with Care from Grandma” tag. Poor Grandma. If only she knew that the sweater she made with LOVE and CARE would end up thrown in a thrift store
donation bag a few years later.

Oh. Right. Ax-Man Surplus store. I’m right on it!

The Ax-Man’s a triple threat: You’ll laugh (at the funny signs), you’ll cry (after seeing naked doll butts), and you’re going to find shit to buy that you just don’t need. But that’s okay! It’s the Ax-Man — it’s cheap enough that you don’t feel bad about it. No buyers remorse here! So if your husband tells you he’s going to the Ax-Man, don’t fret. He won’t blow your life savings like he might at Home Depot. Hell, go with him! Seriously. Cuz you’ll find something you’ll like there, too.

EVERYONE can find something at the Ax-Man. I do mean EVERYONE.
Wires for Darryl, the DIY fixit dude.
Rubber rats for Perry the Prankster.
Colored pencils for Ariel the Artist.
Playboy bunny logo party cups for Todd the Tomcat.
Engine parts for George the Gear Head.
Yellow felt for Sally the Seamstress.
Grow lights for Persephone the Pot Farmer.

Beakers for Bill Nye, the science guy.
and plastic beads for Tom Shane.

Ah HA! So this is the little fucker I saw hiding in the bushes last night! I'm warning you, if it happens again, I am calling the cops!

I challenge you to walk out of this store empty-handed! It just won’t happen. Their sociopath mascot won’t let it.

The AxMan has a murderous minion of a mascot. This wee little man looks like mini-me, but instead of wearing dapper gray suit & tie, he’s decked out in a ski mask and casually carries around an axe.

Sure, he might have a friendly smirk on that face, but we know better.  Behind that passive-aggressive smile is a little demonboy. Leave here empty-handed and he might pull a “Jack Nicholson in The Shining” and do a 1-8-7 on yer ass. Remember – this cute munchkin is carrying a fucking axe, people. Be careful.

Yep, our little AxMan makes the Candyman look like a pussy.

Anyway, I have no idea what half this stuff here is for – lots of aisles with wires, metal wheels, latex tubing, plastic discs, and other various industrial do-dads.  It looks like leftover toxic waste from 3-Mile Island. They have an aisle devoted to craft items like googley-eyes and rubber stamps and another section with a bunch of plastic toys kids will choke on. Another row had plastic syringes, medical tape, and enough beakers to make a witch doctor blush. I saw an entire section with all different kinds of lightbulbs – Christmas lights, black lights, strobe lights, etc. There IS a way to bring the disco home!

Most of this stuff in here could be fed to a junkyard dog, yet I find it completely amazing. How I’ve lived for so long without most of this stuff is beyond me.

Everything in this place is just so random and senseless. A rat window decal. Plastic VHS cases. Abe Lincoln gift bags. A toothbrush that gives a shout out to the Mesozoic era. Backpacks with the phrase “Arby’s 5-for-5″ embroidered on the pouch. Jars of colorful marbles. Pencil eraser heads. Pure mayhem, I tell you.

This store is truly a treasure, and if you have a little time to spare, I highly recommend paying a visit.

Go ahead and treat yourself to something nice!

This stuff would be a great snack for my friend’s pet bunny, whose main diet consists of printer insides, ipod headphone cords, and telephone wire

Check this out - nothing says "Happy Birthday" like a drug company promotional swag bag with Abe Lincoln plastered on the front.

This is what happens to the dolls who get voted off the Island of Misfit toys

If that Caveman show on ABC wouldn't have been canceled, I don't think these guys would be in an AxMan bin for 95 cents

A rat decal on your car window will make even a Dodge Neon look fucking HARD CORE.

Guys! Here's a piece of advice: Drape yourself in this gorg fabric, hit the clubs, get piss ass drunk, and holla at some ladies. You WILL get laid.

You could really punk someone with this stuff. Why should Ashton Kutcher have all the fun?

Halloween was 2 months ago, but that doesn't stop the AxMan from peddling pumpkin pencils and Frankenstein gift bag.

Okay, I could make a Snakes on a Plane joke, but I just don't have the energy.

Secretly, everyone wants to be Conan the Barbarian, hiking in the wilderness, and cooking wild animals. This floozy looks like she's living the dream, wearing an outdoorsy ensemble with the swank panache only an outfit from Ax-Man can provide.

THIS is why you go to AxMan - where else can you see a gallopping merry-go-round horse hanging from the ceiling?

Hmm...A dinosaur toothbrush? Makes sense. T-Rex had to have some pretty strong & healthy teeth to gnaw on a straight diet of Stegosauruses and Triceratops.

Hitler hats, anyone? Dick Enrico could've used these for his commercials to add a touch of authenticity.

All photos taken December 2008.

The Holly Center boasts many exciting shops!

Located in Fridley, MN off of Central Avenue, the Holly Center definitely qualifies as a dumpy strip mall.

Offering a smattering of mostly local businesses, Holly Center houses your typical shitty inner-ring suburb strip mall establishments and tries to be your one-stop shop. I guess it doesn’t do that bad of a job…after all, it has…

A tobacco store to get your smoke on. Earn those Marlboro Miles!
An auto parts place to soup up your Camero
A flower shop to show her you care
A shitty local pizza place with cardboard-style crust,a chinese restaurant & an Old Country Buffet to load up on MSG and other preservatives
A plasma center to make some cash. Why bother getting a job?
A Snap Fitness to work off your meal from Holly Center’s fine dining establishments
His & Her Salons: A Cost Cutters for the ladies to trim the mall bangs, and a barber shop for the guys to trim the mullet
and a year-round H&R Block to get the feds off your ass.

The eye-catching architecture of the Holly Center

See – it’s got it all. Except for a check cashing place and a pawn shop. Then the circle would be complete.

So many stores, so little time

Treat yourself to culinary punishment at its finest by bellying up to the Old Country Buffet.

Holly Center’s biggest draw is the Old Country Buffet, which is basically your school cafeteria masquarding as a restaurant. Love eating microwaved food that’s been sitting under heat lamps for the last 4 hours, protected only by a sneeze guard? This place is for you! OBC offers low quality cuts of meat as well as your choice over 100 appetizers, salad toppings, fruit, veggies, and more! And on Wednesday nights – visit the taco bar! If you have a taste for institutional cuisine, you’ll love the OCB. So if you ever enjoyed a meal in a hospital cafeteria or served time in prison, I guess this means you. Bon Apetit!

The Plasma Center used to be a Snyders. I made a few Beanie Baby runs here back in the day

The parking lot is a bitch to exit. If you’re trying to get back on University Avenue, THINK TWICE! Holly Center’s parking lot exits to the right, onto a one-way, meaning the only way to get back on University is to swing an illegal U-Turn, lest you want to drive all the way down to West River Road. Pray the fuzz isn’t anywhere near!

Here are a few “vintage” Holly Center items. These photos are from a Fridley 1999 50th Anniversary Celebration booklet.

A list of Holly Center businesses and shops from 1999

In the early '70s, Holly Center had a Penny's Market and a Ben Franklin