This place changes its name more than Prince

Put another log on the fire — here’s the last installment of the Roseville Restaurant Trilogy. This time, it’s all about the restaurant formerly known as KFAN.

If you’re familiar with the Roseville area, you know that this restaurant location is cursed. It seems like every time you drive by this place, it has a new name. In only five years, this restaurant has changed ownership four times…that’s nearly once per year. It probably sets some sort of record or something.

Because of this location’s spotty tenant track record, one might think that the history of this restaurant would be a good premise for a future Stephan King novel.   Why can’t anything can stay here very long? Surely it must be haunted! Perhaps it’s built on an ancient Indian burial ground?

I wish the KFAN/Big City/WhateverTheFuckIt’sCalled’s folklore were that exciting, but it isn’t. It’s simply a shitty location for a restaurant, that’s all. There’s no creepy ghost story and no need to call Scooby Doo to the scene. If you’re really that desperate for a spooky tale, fix yourself a bowl of BooBerry cereal and grab an Ecto-Cooler HiC juice box from the fridge, and skim through a FearStreet book. Then hop back on your computer and continue reading.

Originally, this was an Italian restaurant called “Lido’s”. Can’t say I ever ate there or even remember it. I believe that Lido’s was torn down sometime in 2003 and KFAN went up in its place.

Here’s the timeline:

KFAN the Restaurant: Opened in December 2003, closed in 2005.

Big City Tavern: Opened in September 2005, closed in July 2006.

Majors: Opened in September 2006, closed sometime in 2008.

Grumpy’s: Opened in 2008 – present. How long will this last? I could probably start a death pool on this and offer up a prize to the reader who correctly guesses its closing date, but that wouldn’t be very nice now, would it?

The KFAN Restaurant logo

In case you’re not familiar with Minnesota radio, KFAN is a supposed to be a sports talk radio station, but whenever I turn them on, they’re talking about politics. I suppose even the biggest sports nut has a limit on how much Brett Favre joining the Vikings speculation they can take per day. I don’t listen to the station much, but I know that last year, one of their big-time personalities was busted for crack and promptly fired. They also have some yahoo who calls himself a common man like it’s a good thing. Then again, in today’s world of everyone thinking they’re a special snowflake, someone who calls himself a “Common Man” is a little refreshing.

KFAN 1130 AM, like most radio stations in town, is owned by media giant Clear Channel communications. In the early ’00s, Clear Channel had a bright idea to launch a chain of sports bar style restaurants, but wanted to class it up by focusing more on food quality and decor rather than nailing a bunch of faux vintage sports memorabilia to the walls like most sports joints do.

KFAN the Restaurant was their pet project and Clear Channel’s foray into the restaurant business all hinged on its success. If it was a hit, Clear Channel planned to open 12 to 18 similar radio-themed restaurants around the country, using the namesake of popular local radio stations.

Unfortunately for Clear Channel, KFAN the Restaurant wasn’t a winner.  The exact reason why KFAN closed is up for debate — a few articles alluded to restaurant management not being happy with Clear Channel’s rigid restrictions on how they ran the place. Location probably played a huge role in its failure as well. Despite it being located and easily

The entrance/exit to Grumpy's. I always wondered why they couldn't connect this road to Snelling Avenue. It'd make things a little bit easier

spotted on busy Snelling Avenue, it’s tough to figure out how to access this place. If you’re coming from North Snelling Avenue, you need to drive about a 1/2 mile past the restaurant, turn at the stoplight, and then take the service road alllll the way back, passing a strip mall, various ho-hum retail establishments, and a car dealership before turning into the cul-de-sac in which the restaurant resides. That’s just too damn much work to eat at what appears to be a generic sports bar. Meh,  it’s easier just to sing for your supper….or just say fuck this bullshit, and head over to the area closer to Rosedale.

Speaking of which, this place is located too far away from the Roseville’s hotspot — the Rosedale Mall. Plenty of eating

and entertainment options surround the mall, and it’s no surprise that shoppers are more likely to eat at Granite City, Macaroni Grill, Flame, Good Earth, and so on, rather than try to navigate their way out to Snelling Avenue and try to figure out how to access this place. But hey, it’s located next to Midway Ford, so….?

Had KFAN the Restaurant succeeded, would we now have a KDWB the Restaurant? Imagine the possibilities! Gary Spivey readings! They could host Jingle Ball/Star Party/Last Chance Summer Dance (do they still do that?) in one of the basement banquet halls here! An expansive, 3-song playlist piped over the sound system: the latest Black Eyed Peas song, a rap song with a hook featuring T-Pain, and Baby Got Back!  There could be ads on the bathroom stall doors peddling mangle mouth makeovers from Dr. Dave Hertelendy at All Care Dentistry, an ad for LASIK surgery from the good folks at North Suburban Eye Specialists, and Slim4Life ads (just the kind of propaganda you want to see when you’re taking at shit at a restaurant selling fried food).

Okay, so back to KFAN.

When you walk up to this place, the first thing you notice is the monumental, eye-catching entrance. Upon entering, you immediately feel like you’re under dressed — like you should be wearing a sports coat instead of wearing jeans and your Randall McDaniel jersey purchased in 1995.  After looking around at the high ceilings, marble tiles, grand staircases, and mood lighting, you feel a bit confused — this supposed to be SPORTS bar, right? A sports bar for a radio station that calls its listeners “Rubes”? The luxurious backdrop of this place is a bit unexpected.

As you’ve probably figured out, this wasn’t just your typical, tired suburban sports bar. Sure, they had Golden Tee, pool tables, top 40 90′s alt rock music blaring on the sound system, (I remember going here one time when it was Big City Tavern and hearing The

Grumpy's offers outdoor dining

Wallflowers’ One Headlight 3 freakin’ times!), flat screens, and a plenty of slutty girls with bad highlights and 20-something men with beer guts wearing too-tight Affliction t-shirts.

This place is just too big — three levels too big.  Only two areas are open to the dining public — the dining area and the bar area. The rest of the place includes several banquet halls and conference rooms, all of which I’ve never witnessed anyone using.  At one point, when this place was Big City Tavern, the downstairs was going to be turned into a dinner theater. That would’ve been kind of cool.

There was a gift shop near the entrance hawking KFAN sweatshirts, beer kozies, keychains, Dan Barreiro autographed photos suitable for framing, and other various overpriced, screenprinted doodads featuring the station’s call letters. Never saw anyone buy any of this shit. They also held live radio broadcasts from the restaurant a few days a week, so you could do a meet ‘n greet with your favorite KFAN personality — just like you would at the state fair.

I only ate in the dining area once. I felt like I was missing out on all of the shenanigans happening over in the bar area. The dining room was quiet and peaceful, but that’s not really what I expected when I went here. It’s nice that they didn’t shove the sports down your throat like most places do, but really…it’s a sports bar, and, well, I kind of wanted to watch THE GAME and scream obscenities at TV sets. That’s why I chose a place named after a sports station. Even though the experience was pleasant, every time I’d go here after that, my party and I forgo the dining area and belly up to the bar and shoot some pool instead.

The food wasn’t too bad, but it couldn’t have been that memorable because I don’t really have anything to say about it. It was your typical American fare–burgers, chicken sandwiches, salads, fried apps. You could even order “fancier” entrees like salmon and porterhouse steak.  Prices were okay, perhaps a bit on the expensive side. I do remember ringing up quite the tab after spending a night of aggressive drinking here. Oops.

A view of the doomed diner

Despite all of its different lifeforms, this restaurant didn’t really seem to change. You really couldn’t distinguish whether it was KFAN/Big City/Majors when you walked in or even by looking at the menu. It all pretty much seemed the same. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or what.

Today, this place is Grumpy’s, suburban-style. Seems to be quite an odd location for a Grumpy’s , so we’ll see how long this will last. I haven’t eaten here myself since it was Majors, so here’s a local blogger’s review of it as Grumpy’s, complete with food pics and snapshots pics of the inside.

Any information to add? Any memories of this place? Post in the comments!

Joe's Crab Shack is a sensory experience, to say the least

Installment #2 on Dumpy Strip Malls’ Roseville Restaurant Trilogy – the closed Joe’s Crab Shack off of Snelling Avenue.

So yep, another abandoned building/former restaurant post with complementing photo essay. These places look so sad and creepy when they’re all boarded up & lifeless like this. But, hey, I like this kind of stuff and that’s why I have this blog. I’m the weirdo pulling off the side of the road, taking pictures of run-down buildings & weedy parking lots.

The Joe’s Crab Shack chain arrived in Minnesota in 1999 with two locations — Roseville and Maple Grove. Minnesota suburbanites love their chain restaurants (me included — I don’t mind a chain restaurant, as long as it’s GOOD), but poor Joe couldn’t make it work in this town.  Maybe because of the abundance of Red Lobsters around, there wasn’t room in this town for another french-fried seafood chain? Or perhaps people just wanted to go to dinner to RELAX and EAT (what a concept!) & not have their server bully them into joining their conga line every 15 minutes? Whatever the reason might’ve been, the Roseville location closed in March 2007 and the Maple Grove location shut down in early 2008.

The beach-themed Joe's Crab Shack. No, they don't take sand dollars as a form of payment, but it would add a touch of authenticity if they did

The Roseville location is still standing in development limbo, with nearly every fixture still intact, making this former non-stop summer beach bash locale look exceptionally creepy.

The Maple Grove location is now a Broadway Pizza, which is located along the northwest area of Elm Creek Blvd. There’s been a fair amount of restaurant turnover in this particular area.  Former food eateries in this area include Green Mill, Krispy Kreme (which has been completely remodeled and is now a bank), Hops Restaurant & Brewery, and Baker’s Square (being torn to pieces to make way for a strip mall addition).

Unfortunately (…probably not the best choice of wording), I never ate at the Minnesota locations. My only experience with Joe’s Crab Shack was in 2000 in Gurnee, IL after a long day at Six Flags Great America (apparently, at the time, none of us knew that Joe’s Crab Shack had already infiltrated the Twin Cities area). I have pictures of this “event” but hell if I’m posting them. I would if it had been at one of the Minnesota locations, but it’s a Joe’s in the Chicago area, so no dice.

Unlike the lovely Fridley Crab House, this dining establishment is a chain, so location usually doesn’t matter, and most of this could apply to one of the MN locations. Whether it’s Chicago or Minnesota, you’re still in a landlocked state thousands of miles from the sea, leaving few choices for authentic and fresh-off-the-liner ocean seafood. Unless you want to fork over some big bucks for a meal at Oceanaire (which, by the way, isn’t doing so hot), places like Joe’s or Red Lobster will have to do. The people in my group thought

Joe's Crab Shack had a kiddie playground. What, is this McDonalds?

it would be way cool to eat here based solely on the building’s semblance of a weathered seaside frathouse that takes a yearly beating during hurricane season (Well, we were college kids).   With the tiki posts, the Christmas lights strung from the deck beams, and the sheer amount of ear-numbing NOISE coming from this restaurant, it seemed like a potential hotspot for some crazy drunken shit to go down! We were all for it. (Evidently, we didn’t notice the huge outdoor KIDS play pit smack dab in front of the restaurant. Quite a perceptive group!)

I’m not crazy about seafood, but I didn’t complain — it looked like a fun place to eat. If anything, I can just grub on the popcorn shrimp and get a lil’ tipsy. Hey, it’s better than getting smashed in a depressing hotel bar.

Even though the atmosphere has that “forced-fun-designed-in-a-corporate-boardroom” feel to it, they do an okay job making you feel like you’re at the beach. The beach = throngs of people smelling like dogs & dirt from getting wet and sweating all day…which is exactly what you’d find when dining at a restaurant right next to a major amusement park. It was packed wall-to-wall in here with the same people who were at the amusement park, sporting the putrid clothes they wore all day, still damp from riding the Roaring Rapids. (same thing as Valleyfair’s Thunder Canyon).  Pretty gross — but this could be said about any restaurant located near a Six Flags. I’m sure this wasn’t the case at the Minnesota locations.

We were seated at a booth that looked like a picnic table. The utensils and napkins were stored in some sort of metal bucket. I remember looking at the menu and I couldn’t find anything I wanted to eat. Everything on the menu looked like the type of food that leaves me running for the toilet. If the seafood isn’t battered, I don’t want anything to do with it. This only escalates the digestive troubles.  With enough breading and tartar sauce dollops, the fishy taste can be kept to a minimum. (That’s what she said!) .  I ended up ordering some sort of fried seafood basket for which I paid dearly.

Such a festive setting

Their specialty drinks here are more like DRANKS. High calorie, complicated, recipe-required alcoholic beverages that look like a work of art. I thought I remember them having quite an extensive drink menu, but looking at the menu online, it pales in comparison to TGIF’s selection. Maybe it varies by location? I don’t normally like spending $10 on one drink, but hey, I can live a little. I’m at JOE’S for crying out load. The waiters are wearing hula skirts and doin’ The Butt (Owww! Sexy, Sexy). I think I ordered some blue drink (just because it was blue. Damn gimmick every.freakin’.time) — pretty sure it was the Shark Bite, and I was tipsy-doodle-do after a few sips. That’s not saying much on the drink strength though. I’m a lightweight and beer battered walleye would get me feelin’ loose.   When my drink arrived, everyone in my party thought it looked wicked cool, so more Shark Bites were ordered by our crew. Gotta live every week like it’s Shark Week, I guess.

Despite this seaside shanty’s appearance of a party house for drunken beach bums, it was crawling with little kids. The outdoor playground, cheeseball decorations, and a menu made up of mostly kid-friendly seafood should’ve tipped us off, but we were pretty surprised at all the little rugrats swimming around in here. Definitely not a place for a romantic dinner.

I can’t write about Joe’s Crab Shack without mentioning the singing staff. Every 15-20 minutes, all the servers here break into a silly song and dance routine that no one pays attention to, except the kids. It’s kind of cute the first time they do it, but beyond that, it just gets annoying. Sometimes, they try to guilt-trip you into joining them. The first act, they do the Macarena. Second act is the Sprinkler. Third act, they do the Hustle. Enough already, just let me eat my soggy seafood and limp french fries!!  By the way, NEVER mention that it’s your birthday. Unless you like wearing a coconut bra and dancing in the aisles to a Jimmy Buffet song…all while a pulsating strobe light illuminates the room, making you dizzy. The free scoop of vanilla ice cream just isn’t worth it.

They also had a gift shop here, kind of like what you’d find at the Hard Rock Cafe or Margaritaville, except Joe’s totally capitalizes on the “crabs” theme. Obviously. Nothing like a little STD innuendo to whet your appetite. You can buy all kinds of shit with clever puns – like shotglasses inscribed with “Peace, Love, and Crabs” or a t-shirt that reads, “Check out my mussels.” You go Joe! I surely didn’t see those jokes coming!

The abandoned Joe's Crab Shack Playland.

The food eventually came, with our server hastily dropping our grub off at our table to go do another dance. Between the Shark Bite drinks, my fried platter, and the sand pails of crab, by the end of the night, our table looked like Jaws threw up. No one complained about the food, but no one raved about it either. Or maybe they did. I don’t know — it was so damn loud up in hurrr that I don’t think anyone in our party held a conversation beyond, “WHAT?? CAN YOU REPEAT THAT?” “OH FUCK IT, TELL ME LATER.”  We left this place with our ears ringing and our bellies full of grease. Joe’s Crab Shack was one big fishy pile of MEH…but I bet my cat would love to eat the leftovers.

That said, I can’t say I’m sad that this chain uprooted itself from Minnesota. I remember one time in 2001, when my sister came into town — we had just finished up a marathon shopping session over at Rosedale and we were looking for a place to eat. She saw Joe’s and noted the boisterous vibe, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go here again. We settled on Olive Garden. Free salad and breadsticks, yo!

If I had a choice, give me Red Lobster. At least they have the cheesy biscuits. Or just give me that filet-o-fish. Give me that fish.

Any memories of Joe’s Crab Shack? Feel free to share in the comments!

Photos taken June 2009.

Eat at Joe's

Another view of the Roseville Joe's Crab Shack

The labelscar is actually more fitting than its original lettering -- it gives it that very appropriate 'branded cow' look.

I have 3 Roseville restaurant posts coming up — I was going to put them all into one blog entry, but this Cattle Company entry got long, so I’m splitting them up. Look for a Joe’s Crab Shack and KFAN/Grumpy’s entries coming shortly. No, this blog is not turning into a restaurant review blog. These places are either closed (Cattle Company & Joe’s) or just plain cursed (Grumpy’s location). That’s why they end up on Dumpy Strip Malls, with the unflattering snapshots, and not here with the yummy food pics.

You could say this stretch of land off of Snelling Avenue is a mini Roseville Restaurant Death Row. The Cattle Company closed up shop, and Joe’s Crab Shack wasn’t far behind. But the Olive Garden and Fuddruckers are still here…so I guess my stupid joke doesn’t really work.

I chose to photograph the Roseville spots but these upcoming restaurant posts can probably be applied to any location of these restaurants. They’re chains, for crying out loud. They’re pretty much the same wherever you go. Unfortunately, with these two restaurants, you can’t eat at them in Minnesota anymore.

Well…shit.

Stuart Anderson’s Cattle Company closed all of its Minnesota locations in September 2004. I guess this chain wasn’t doing so hot here, so they bid our state happy trails and left a smattering of empty buildings that look like barns in its wake. Seems to be difficult fill these former Cattle Company locations — 5 years later, and many are still standing today. But don’t have a cow, man — Stuart Anderson’s is still operating in many states today, but under the name Black Angus Restaurant.

The satellite dish is still on the roof

When you pull up to this place, it just makes you want to start humming “Oh I’ve got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle…as they go ridin’ merrily along!” in a sing-song voice. The outside of this joint looks like a cowboy outpost and screams spittoons, spurs, and achy breaky boots. You almost feel like you should tie your horse up outside, walk bow-legged into the restaurant wearing a neckerchief, and light up a Marlboro. The logo even had a silhouette of Stuart Anderson himself panning for gold. (Yeah, I know. He’s cooking some concoction over a campfire, but in this economy, it’s the first thing that comes to mind — Mr. Anderson is obviously searching for a nice-sized bounty to bring into The Gold Guys).

When ‘ya get inside, you realize Stuart Anderson was just fuckin’ with ‘ya. This place was actually fairly trendy, almost a “business-romantic” atmosphere, as Michael Scott would say. Mood lighting, tabletop candles, a hostess in a little black dress, and piped-in Adult Contemporary music. What the hell is going on? Where’s the Minnesota’s Most Wanted posters on the wall? The Tim McGraw music? The howdy-do greeting by the hostess?

I can’t remember if they even had cowboy crap on the walls. I mean, they might’ve. I’m sure there was at least one wagon wheel nailed to the wall. How could they resist? You’d think I’d remember this a little better, being that I did eat here a fair share of times. All I know is that I didn’t feel like I was on the set of The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.

This was a reasonably-priced suburban steakhouse with decent food.  You could always find coupons in your weekly

A cow figure is branded on the side of the building.

junkmail bundle, usually enticing you with a 3-course meal for two, for about $45. It faced competition from other mid-level steak chain places in town, namely Timberlodge with its rustic hunting cabin theme, and the Outback Steakhouse. As far as the Outback Steakhouse goes, I think I’m too dense to understand what the fuck the Australian Outback has to do with steak. When I think of the Land Down Under, I don’t think of beef. I think crocodiles, kangaroos, and the Men at Work. Not bovines. Whatever. And of course, there’s Manny’s and Murray’s — the downtown, high-end/Daddy Warbucks-genre of steakhouses with a la carte pricing that give off that traditional “old boy’s club” ambiance, if you want to shell out some dough and rub elbows with Sid Hartman.

Cattle Company was in the Twin Cities for as long as I can remember. I remember my parents getting a babysitter for us kids and going here sans offspring for a nice dinner out. Most kids really don’t like steakhouses anyway. Sirloin steak topped with shoestring onions? Warm bread and whipped butter? Loaded baked potato? Sounds good now as an adult, but most kids would prefer to eat soggy pizza at Circus Circus, doggy-paddle their way through the ball crawl, and come home with the Chicken Pox.

One of my favorite things about this place is that had HUGE, comfy, private booths in little alcoves around the restaurant. The downside to these alcoves was that booths were so high, your server would often forgot someone was sitting in the booth, resulting in very slow service. It was also really dimly lit, like an underground lair or a nightclub. Lots of steakhouses do this for some reason — I’m going here to eat my steak, not to pick up a guy.  This is the Cattle Company, not Redstone!

This is a place you'd want to go when you didn't want to shell out the dough to eat at Murray's.

They did have a bar area, where that sort of shit went down. I remember a friend and I coming here to sit at the bar in 2001 to watch the World Series and two different dudes bought us a round of drinks. It seems a little odd that people would come to Cattle Company to hook up with a mate. Maybe it’s all those women with cowboy fetishes, thinking they might find a Kenny Chesney look-a-like here? I feel ‘ya — I went through that cowboy thing myself…when was when I was 16. My obsession was nipped in the bud when I saw Garth Brooks without his hat on. The closest you might get to a cowboy in here is perhaps finding a deputy sitting at the bar, enjoying a cold one after a long day of rounding up some stray cows on the county road. So, girl, if you really want that cowboy, either move to Montana or just go to the Disney store and get yourself a Woody doll.

We went to the Fridley location) for my pre-Junior prom dinner back in 1996. It was either this or the Sunshine Factory because that’s just what everyone did at my high school for prom. In the north suburbs, we really didn’t have much choice back then for nearby, high-faulting dining establishments.  I remember walking in here (decked out in my prom dress, flower corsage, and high heels) and making

Cattle Company had a really good Molten Lava Chocolate Fudge Cake!

a spectacle of myself by tripping over some extension cord taped down on the floor. Fuck, it’s no wonder that after the prom, my date just wanted to “be friends.” Technically, we are still friends. On Facebook, anyway.

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I never ate at the Roseville Cattle Company — I went to the Brooklyn Park and Fridley locations. I can’t recall where BP location was (might’ve been in Brooklyn Center?), but I’m sure the building is long gone. The Fridley location (off of University Avenue, in the Cub Foods parking lot) was razed a few years ago to make way for a CVS.

This disowned parcel in Roseville was supposed to be redeveloped into a grocery store in 2007. Not sure what happened to those plans, but here we are, 2 years later, with the Cattle Company eyesore still standing proud. The Minnetonka location is still unleased as well — let the cow fun live on!

Hate the Cattle Company? Miss the Cattle Company? Did you also have your prom dinner at the Cattle Company? Leave a note in the comments!

Photos taken June 2009.

The outside of this place says, "Home on the range where the deer and the antelope play" but the inside tells a different story

The Roseville, MN Cattle Company

Okay, so that’s not the official slogan of Baker’s Square — it’s “Come for the food, stay for the pie”. Close enough though. Personally, I’d rather just come for that 3,000-calorie slice of pie & scoop of ice cream that will surely lead me down the path of bedridden obesity, and pass on the food, but that’s just me.

Keep your fork, there's pie!

Welcome to Baker’s Square, a restaurant chain serving all-day breakfast entrees, inoffensive continental cuisine, burnt coffee, and sweets that go straight to your ass. And lots and lots of French Silk Pie.

The Baker’s Square restaurant chain is still alive ‘n kickin’ in Minnesota, but only a handful of locations remain. Many locations, including Maple Grove, were wiped out in the Great Bakers Square-icide of April 2008.  (Those locations were Plymouth, St. Anthony, Maplewood,  Minnetonka,  Burnsville, one in Minneapolis, and one in St. Paul).

Bakers Square closed early, probably keeping a lot of riff-raff out of the restaurant

Okay, so a random chain restaurant closes in the suburbs — big whoop, right? Yeah, I know…not very interesting.  But by golly, I just like taking pictures of abandoned buildings and writing blog posts about said abandoned building.  I’m no photographer (as evidenced by the shitty photos on this blog), so I’m not going with an artsy angle here.  Just a post about a ho-hum suburban chain restaurant that I haven’t eaten at in years. I can’t really say I’m shedding tears over this one.

I’m sure Grandma is though!

Baker’s Square is the local elderly hangout. Whether it’s a gathering place to shoot the shit before hitting up the Kohls Early Bird specials, or the spot of a Grand Casino after-party, Midwestern old fogies love this place,  my grandma included. When my parents would take us to Grandma’s house, Grandma would always want to come here. She’d gather up her pie tins (grandma always saved the pie tins. She’d get a whole quarter every time we’d go here), and squeal,  “POPPIN’ FRESH!!! POPPIN’ FRESH!!! POPPIN’ FRESH!!” (even though this place dropped the Poppin’ Fresh name years ago) and would practically wet herself on the drive over, just thinking of the pies.

Bakers Square

Prior to 1983, Baker’s Square was known as Poppin’ Fresh. You’d think that after all this time, people would call this place by its correct name, but no. The elderly crowd this place caters to keeps the Poppin’ Fresh name alive.  Oh fiddlesticks, I shouldn’t talk — I’m sure in 30 years, some young whippersnapper will poke fun at me for calling US Bank “First Bank” and referring to Macy’s as Daytons and saying stuff like, “Back in my day, Wells Fargo was Norwest Bank!!! Their logo was a giant green “N”!!!” *waves cane*

Most of the Baker’s Square locations are or were in need of a major renovation. It looked like you were dining at Grandma’s house, with the fluffy window valances, stain-concealing carpet, country floral wallpaper and matching border, all in the Baker’s Square-signature cranberry red and seagrass green color accents. Ho-hum.

You can still see the decor through the window

The food wasn’t anything to write home about either, but your Grandma probably raves about it. Lackluster comfort food and an anytime-breakfast menu is how Baker’s Square rolls — it’s the stuff you crave when it’s 2 below and you want to eat something that requires elastic waist pants (luckily, most of their regulars are people who already rock the elastic waist pants, so no wardrobe change is necessary for most patrons). The elderly-friendly menu consists of breaded chicken patties, BLTs, meatloaf, onion rings, chicken fried steak, rice pudding, pot pies– all assuring that critical bowel movement later on in the day.

So yeah — starchy, simple meals that can be gummed easily by Grandpa. And pie. Can’t forgot that pie. But really, when do you ever eat a meal at Baker’s Square? I honestly can’t remember the last time I ate here.  My friends and I used to rock Perkins or Denny’s HARRRDD when we were in high school. But Bakers Square closed at like 10 or 11PM — far too early for our 1AM dinner parties, so they lost out on the teen demographic and just went after Grandma.   Too bad — we’d eat ourselves sick at these places, running up a huge tab chowing down high fat trucker-style breakfast food and greasy appetizer samplers right before going to bed.  How I escaped my teenage years without blowing up like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon is beyond me.

The free WiFi (Wi-Pie. I stand corrected) gives Grandma another opportunity to check her email and clog your inbox with more chain-letter email forwards.

I used to come here to pick up a pie to bring up to my parents’ house for Christmas dinner. Baker’s Square took holidays seriously. On any major pie holiday (Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas), they’d have a pie hostess sitting at a card table in the lobby, taking orders and giving you a slip of paper to claim your pie. She’d pass on your order to some hotshot manager wearing a headset and he’d fetch your pie from the fridge, and update the inventory tally. It was quite the production! With the Maple Grove Baker’s Square location closed, our Christmas dinner will forever be without a Baker’s Square pie but really, with a little effort, you could probably make a better pie at home. Especially the French Silk — probably Baker’s Square’s most popular pie.

French Silk Pie is not that difficult to make. Buy a pie crust at Cub, whip up some instant Jell-O chocolate pudding, pour into the crust, and cover in Redi-Whip. Done and DONE. If you’re feeling really adventurous, toss a Hershey’s bar in the SlapChop and sprinkle the shavings on top. Want to make the Candy Cane Christmas pie? Follow the same steps for the French Silk pie, and cut up some candy canes. BINGO – Christmas Pie!

I do miss the Fresh Strawberry pie (seasonal). That fucker was a pie I’d die for.

And I’m willing to bet the Baker’s Square pies were not made fresh, on-site. Probably trucked in from Jersey or something.

I’m not sure if Baker’s Square will last in Minnesota — with all the recent closings, it doesn’t look good. All of these breakfast places pretty much offer the same thing, but I think Perkins does it best. They’re open 24/7 AND they have a wishing well. (just don’t go there on the “Kids Eat Free Tuesdays” — the entire restaurant turns into one loud juice box-flingin’ family section). Denny’s had the silly-named menu items but other than that, it doesn’t do much for me.

And Bakers Square has the pie.

So keep your fork.

Photos taken June 2009

Baker's Square

Arbor Lakes

and wonder if all its denizens did was buy shit and stuff their face.  Maple Grove’s retail area is obnoxiously huge — acres and acres of parking lots, big box stores, and pretty much every chain restaurant known to man. Except the Cheesecake Factory. Maple Grove needs a Cheesecake Factory.

Where can one find this shopping district? Why, just hop on I-94 Westbound and let the Great River Energy Wind Turbine guide you to the land of impulse shopping bliss.

There are so many shops and restaurants up in the Grove that if you’re not completely familiar with the area, you can feel very overwhelmed. So many of the shops are hidden in different nooks, crannies, and “pedestrian-friendly” streets that trying to find the Jimmy John’s can potentially waste a tank of gas. I live around in this area, so I do come here often, and I STILL get lost.

Some people say that Maple Grove is a soul-sucking suburb with massive shopping sprawl. It’s suburbia on CRACK — a boring, stagnant, nosey, do-goody, community-based, suburban nightmare. Pretentious hipsters LOVE to rag on this place – it’s “vanilla”, it’s in the suburbs, there are chain stores far as the eyes can see, there’s a fucking TGIFriday’s, etc, etc, etc (but we all know they’re secretly shopping at PacSun and Zumiez when they think no one is looking).

But hey, I’m not afraid to admit it – I like this place. I’ll go here to shop and eat, shop and eat, and shop and eat myself, until I’m Pittsburgh Blue in the face.

That said, Arbor Lakes and the surrounding shopping areas deserve a little mocking.

Enclosed malls are oh-so 20th Century. The new trend is the open-air “lifestyle center” which basically is an enclosed mall but without the pesky amenities that the mall ownership has to provide, like a comfortable indoor temperature, janitors, security on segways, an information desk, etc. Just smear out a shitload of concrete, plant a few undersized trees & wee seedlings, add some parking spaces for the “convenience” and then let Mother Nature be your custodial crew!

According to the Wikipedia entry, construction began in 1998, and was completed in 2003 (5 years seems like an awfully long time to build a shopping area to me, but yep, I can definitely remember it being built in the late ’90s). I imagine this entire area was a big field or gravel pits before construction began.

There are 3 of these separately-named “Lifestyle Center” shopping areas, though they all kind of run into one big massive, sprawling shopping area in my head. It’s tough to distinguish which is which, (and I really don’t think anyone cares!) but this is how *I* break it down.

Main Street Maple Grove : Maple Grove is fucking with your head here. This is that area across Hemlock Lane that looks like downtown in a small, midwestern city. Oh how clever, right? We haven’t seen THAT done before. It’s supposed to make you think you’re in a one-horse town in Central Minnesota. But instead of Rexall Drug and Hardware Hank, there’s a Chico’s and an Ann Taylor Loft, both of which you wouldn’t find in, say, Randall, Minnesota.

This is also where Bylerys and Party City are located, as well as a few restaurants such as Buca and The Claddaugh, (the latter is one of those restaurants that foil you into thinking  you’ve found a unique local hole-in-the-wall, but it’s really a chain). Remember, you’re in Maple Grove, Chain HQ of the Twin Cities Metro Area.

Fountains at Arbor Lakes: This is where REI, Dave & Buster’s, DSW, the old Circuit City, Costco, the Running Room, etc are located. I’m still looking for these “fountains”…perhaps they are talking about the drinking fountains?

Then, there’s The Shoppes at Arbor Lakes, where Dumpy Strip Malls took most of the photos.

First off, MISLEADING NAME. Arbor Lakes? I don’t see a lake (though I’ve heard there *IS* an actual lake up in the ‘Grove named “Arbor”, but I don’t know where this mystery lake is. If it’s near the shopping center, it’s probably more akin to a storm run-off drain than a beautiful freshwater lagoon, but I digress), and there isn’t a whole lot of arbor.  The imposing Maple Grove skyline consists of a lot of sand & gravel foothills, rouge dumptrucks, and gigantic tumbleweeds blowing about. Come here in the summer and you’d swear you were in a Nevada desert anticipating a wild-west shootout, not in a soul-sucking Minneapolis suburb with every chain restaurant known to man.

Every store here is filled with control-freak soccer moms & their SUV-sized strollers or swarms of teens (OMG!!!) shopping at Hollister, blowing up daddy’s credit card. The “shoppes” here are supposed to be “upscale” but I really don’t see anything here that I can’t find at any other generic mall. There’s a Bath & Body Works, Express, Gap, The Buckle, Ulta, J Crew, Hollister, Talbots, Borders (to name a few) — so yeah, your typical mall fare. However, since all of the stores are designed to look like small town “shoppes” with outdoor-facing enterances, AND there is a nearby California Pizza Kitchen and PF Chang’s, it immediately makes stores like Yankee Candle ‘upscale.’  I suppose if Payless Shoes, Fashion Bug, or DEB wanted to set up shop over in the former Sharper Image store, then we’d have problems.

From the outside, the Arbor Lakes area of Maple Grove seems like a happenin’ place, immune to the shitty economy. It’s still a “happenin’” place, but there have been some store closings. A few off the top of my head are -
The Sharper Image
Cost Plus World Market
Some frou-frou Paris Hilton-style pet clothing store
Krispy Kreme (now being turned into a bank)
Joe’s Crab Shack
…and I’m sure there are more.

Local boutiques are few and far between here because the rent is sky-high…I actually know this first-hand. In 2006, I looked into opening a business of my own over in the “Main Street” shopping area. Yeah, not happenin’.

In the summer, this is a great place to shop. Minnesota summers are beautiful, so it’s nice that they made this place pedestrian-friendly and walkable. When the cold hits, it’s a bitch. I don’t care how many cheery, peppy Miley Cyrus/Jonas Brothers songs they pump through the hidden speakers, it isn’t going to cheer me up in -30 degree weather. Shopping at this outdoor mall in Minnesota just isn’t fun in the middle of January, so I’ll usually avoid this place and go to an indoor mall instead to be warm and cozy.

All in all, Arbor Lakes is a very successful retail center – who says decent, thriving retail can’t exist in the north metro?!

All photos taken Feb. 2009

FYI – I apologize for the lack of updates. My computer crashed on me about a month ago, and I lost most of my work, as well as lots of photos I had taken. I bought a new MacBook last week, so I’ll be back posting updates.

Information to add? Discuss in the comments!

Welcome to Arbor Lakes!

Ultimate Electronics...I wonder what the over/under in Vegas is on this place going out of business within the next year?

Granite City. Yes, it is a chain. Try their chalupas!

IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHUDDA PUTTA RING ON IT

I can't really explain why, but I've never liked Borders. I'd rather go to Half Price Books or B&N. Borders reminds me of Media Play. Remember that store?!

Wanna get shit-faced up in the Grove? Houlihan's has HUGE Long Island Iced Teas that will knock you out cold.

I took a picture of this because I really want that cute pink pineapple candle

A few of the Shoppes, including The Buckle, a typical overpriced midwestern mall store.

Le Gourmet Chef is just one of the yuppie-targeted stores

Note to FASHION-FORWARD ladies - Arbor Lakes has a Coldwater Creek!

Christmas lights? STILL? This photo was taken a good 2 months after the holiday

What this place needs is more chain stores and restaurants.

"Inside" of Arbor Lakes

Don't test too many of these scents on your skin at the same time. I did this once, and I walked out of Bath & Body Works smelling like a burning computer.

Speaking of burning, the Ulta store smells like melting makeup

A sale like this would make our founding fathers PROUD.

J CRACK, my favorite store.

Another view of Arbor Lakes

Ugly cardigan @ Express. Sad thing is, I kind of like it. I would totally wear something like this.

Birthdays, new employee welcome lunches, promotion celebrations, Mardi Gras – no matter what the occasion, it’s always Fuddruckers. There are dozens of other restaurants in the St. Louis Park/Golden Valley/Minnetonka area, but for some unholy reason, the admin thinks our team loves this place, so we keep going back.

Well, for the most part, our team does enjoy a good Ruddfucking. It’s just another coworker and I who have a stick up our ass about this place.

Get Gordon Ramsey in this joint!

You’d be surprised on how many business guy-type assholes come in here to “touch base” with each other over lunch. I don’t get it – find all your clients and whip out that expense account and take them to…Fuddruckers? Whatever floats your boat “at the end of the day”, I guess.  If you don’t believe me, come here around noon on Friday and watch them drink the corporate kool-aid in action.

I’ve been called a “snob” by a few coworkers over my hate for Fuddruckers.  Oh, I’m a snob alright. Because, you know, I only go to five-star restaurants where I can go pick out a chicken from the coop myself and hobnob with my high-powered friends, all of whom I’ve invited to a mixer on Saturday night at my estate, where you can overhear me saying things like this:

“Ahem! Thurston, could you please bring me some Grey Poupon? My finger sandwich is a bit dry. Oh, look! The Wentworths have arrived. Oh, hello Biff, that’s a beautiful polo you’re wearing…”

Fuddruckers is dirty, it’s grimy, I don’t like their grease bomb food, and it’s just not worth getting fat over. They used to hang dead meat carcasses in the windows for crying out loud! I can’t, for the life of me, get that picture out of my head. Not to mention that the last time I was there, I spotted a giant centipede scaling the wall.

It’s kind of expensive too, for what it is. I don’t mind paying $$ for a decent meal. Keyword = DECENT. If I’m eating at this place, it’s because of a work function, not by choice. Work never pays for our lunch; it’s out of our own pockets. I hate spending money on food I don’t like. One

You've never been fucked until you've been Rudd-fucked. (Sorry, I *had* to go there)

time, my Fuddruckers-hating coworker and I both had ONLY water and got hateful looks from everyone. So now I succumb to peer pressure and always order something.  I’m in the corporate world and ‘ya gotta play the game.

I should mention that there’s no waitstaff here – you order at a counter and they call your name over a loudspeaker when your food is ready. Fuck, if I’m going to pay $8.00 for a burger, $3.00 for fries and $2.25 for a soda, somebody had better bring it to me!

The folks who like this place go here for the burgers. I’m not a big burger fan (obviously, otherwise I’d probably luvvv this place). You can add your own toppings on your burger, allowing you to stack the tomatoes 5 feet high or if you want, you can put enough mayo on your burger to make it look like the money shot in a porn flick.

With the smoking ban firmly in place, you don’t have to worry about walking out of a restaurant anymore, smelling like an ashtray. That doesn’t mean you can walk out of an eating establishment odor-free though. Especially at Ruddfuckers. Yep, you’ll end up walking out of the place smelling like a hot, filthy short-order kitchen. I had to take my jacket to the drycleaners after the last time I was here – the french fry grease + slaughterhouse stench followed me home like a feral cat.

I think Fuddruckers struggles a bit with its identity – at least the St. Louis Park location does.  It’s supposed to have 50′s diner type atmosphere, but I really didn’t notice it much. Some of the decor does give out that “1950′s era/get-in-the-kitchen, woman!” vibe. However, there’s video games (BIG BUCK HUNTER, w00T!), tons of TVs tuned to ESPN, NASCAR flags hanging from the ceiling, a wall created with cases of beer (classy!), and, oh — and a giant bug crawling up the wall. Lest we forget.

Bless those doomed souls inside the Fuddruckers

Really, what the hell is this place supposed to be? A 50′s diner or ESPN Zone? They weren’t even playing 50′s music in the background. I heard TI’s “Whatever You Like” not once, but twice when we were eating here. Which isn’t a bad thing because I do like that song. Speaking of which, have you heard the Weird Al parody? Classic!

For all the bashing I just did, Fuddruckers isn’t ALL bad. Their milkshakes are large and thick (that’s what she said) and WILL get the boys to the yard. And BIG BUCK HUNTER. Can’t go wrong there. They have Golden Tee too – if I want me some cooties, all I have to do is touch the ball. It’s my preferred method of getting sick.

Bennigan’s

One crappy food chain down, 30,000 more to go!

The St. Louis Park Bennigan’s closed down (along with almost all Bennigan’s nationwide) in July 2008.  What will poor Butters do?

I shed a tiny tear along with Butters when I learned of the chain’s closing. Really, I did. I liked their baked potato soup and their Turkey O’Toole. Mmm…baked potato soup. Nobody did it better.

About 6 or 7 years ago, the guy I was dating at the time and I would come here for dinner occasionally. We’d always get in fights about the Minnesota Twins. It was like clockwork -the baked potato soup we’d share would arrive, we’d each take two sips, and the baseball bout would begin.

Bennigan's is closed. OH NO! I'll have to go to TGIF's. Or Ruby Tuesdays. Or Red Lobster. Or Chilis

He was such a homer that he’d get pissed over the not-so-nice nicknames I gave our players. Luis “0-for-3″ Vas, Brian BuCAN’Tan, Brad “First Inning Rally” Radke, “There’s no I in team, but there are 2 in” Torii Hunter (thanks Chris Berman!), Ron GardenFIRE, and so on. There was one in particular that would really throw him over the edge (it also was the most childish): Matt LeSuck (LeCroy). Oh yeah, that’d really piss him off. So much so that he told me I might as well just become a Chicago White Sox fan.

Oooh BURN.

Anyway, it’s not surprising that a nationwide restaurant chain would shut down in this economy. After all, how many damn burger sports bars do we need?

I always figured Applebee’s would be the first to go, not Bennigan’s. At least Bennigan’s TRIED to be different, with its St. Patrick’s Day theme and all. Applebee’s, on the other hand, is the most bland and generic of all the major chains and doesn’t specialize in any particular theme – unless you count “neighborhood grill with random shit glued to the wall.” Say what?

The inside looked like a you stepped into 1984. They didn’t even have flat screen TVs in here! We’re almost 10 years into the 21st century and this

Butters is going to starve.

place still had CRT televisions. I thought it was a requirement for all restaurants to have flat screens these days. Hell, if this Bennigan’s were still in business, all their TVs were probably still getting an analog signal and the screens would turn to snow next month. (**Note to all wannabe hipsters: February 2009 is the perfect time to join the pretentious “I don’t own a TV” clique.)

The St. Louis Park location had an upstairs “party” area, with another bar, a bunch more uber modern CRT TVs, and a few pool tables. I’m not sure if this is common at all Bennigan’s locations (the SLP location is the only one I’ve been to).  Sometimes this area is sealed off for VIP private parties, where they whisk people in with  high 5′s and secret handshakes. Most of the time, the area is open and it’s a happy hour free-for-all.  The upstairs is like a pigpen of 40-something year old nerds who went “AFK” long enough to get a Miller Chill + a game of pool in before returning to World of

Too bad this wasn't for sale in 2005. I'm sure Countrywide would have financed me.

Warcraft.  It’s just as gloomy as the main dining area too – even more so since some guy was killed up there in 2004 in a fight over a game of pool .
This whole area of SLP is beyond depressing. On this service road, we’ve got a few hotels, train tracks, some abandoned buildings, weedy parking lots, ugly-duckling office buildings from 1975, a shady gas station with prices well above the MN average, and — for fuck’s sake — a gun pawn shop.

Plus there’s all those white-elephant eyesore city internet wifi solar panels on every damn block that I don’t think ever got used. I feel bad for those folks who had one of those planted in their front lawn. Yuck.

Another view of Bennigan's. You can see the "Alaska Eatery" (formerly Shelly's) next door.

Photos taken November, 2008. Much apologizes for the bad photos. It was a gloomy day.