Posts Tagged abandoned buildings

Circuit City: Roseville, MN

Aug 19

Posted by dumpystripmall in Roseville | 19 Comments

Old-skool Circuit City stores, like the Roseville store, had an entrance shaped like a UL standard plug.

Circuit City has been circling in the drain for years and in early 2009, it finally kicked the bucket. Its demise was a long time coming. Circuit City has been living on borrowed time this past decade. With its empty parking lots and deserted stores, it was one of those places you wondered how it stayed in business. I swear, places like Circuit City and some of these other companies must have a deal with drug cartels to stay open and never have any customers.

Alright. So, it’s seven (or so) months later since the second-fiddle big box electronics dealer closed its doors and I’m finally getting around to writing about this. Better late than never, right? I can’t ignore a huge chain store closing – so it’s about time to pay homage to the giant red plug in the ground.

The pictures in this article are all from the Rosedale store, but I didn’t shop at that location very often. I shopped at the Brooklyn Center location. Actually, I think the only time I ever went into the Roseville store was during the liquidation “sale”, but we’ll get to that later.

For the record, here’s a list of the other locations that were in the Twin Cities at some point:
Brooklyn Center
Burnsville
Coon Rapids
Edina
Mall of America (Circuit City Express. They sold stuff like cables and wires and cell phones. So, kind of like a Radio Shack.)
Maple Grove
Maplewood
Minnetonka
Woodbury

Retailers everywhere are BEGGING for Circuit City's square footage

I was never a huge fan of Circuit City, but I can’t say I ever had a problem with it. It’s not like I’m hoping the chain is burning in hell as we speak. In a way, it kinda blows that Best Buy now has no real competition here. I always shopped at Best Buy for my electronics needs, but on occasion, I did stop in at Circuit City. Why didn’t I care for CC? A few reasons:

#1: Circuit City had checkout stations located haphazardly throughout the store and no one was ever manning them. When you wanted to purchase something, you had to wave down an associate or bring your purchase up to the Customer Service desk and get in line with people doing returns or filing a complaint. Best Buy has easy-to-find checkout lanes all located at the front of the store, where they should be.

#2: The entire checkout process was annoying. When you finally did find someone to ring you up, it was always complicated, arduous process, even if you were just buying a CD. The sales associate would ask you for your name, address, and whatnot. You had to stand at the station for like 10 minutes while they typed god knows what into the computer. All I wanted was a Smash Mouth CD! You expect paperwork when you buy a car or a house, but a CD? I’ve gotten bank loans faster.

#3: Circuit City was a confusing mess. The VHS (later DVD) and CD sections were one giant clusterfuck. Plus, Circuit City kind of had a slimeball feel to it; it always felt like something shady was goin’ on there, but I could never quite put my finger on it.

#4: I don’t like shopping in the dark. Upon entering Circuit City, you felt like you were entering an electronics bunker.

#5: Best Buy is a Minnesota company, so they’ve got that whole “Hometown Hero” thing going for it, just like Target. I don’t even know where CC is based out of, nor do I care.

#6: Their coupons were full of holes & you needed to read the fine print carefully. You couldn’t use them on anything you actually wanted. They basically amounted to, “Good for $15 off a purchase of $100 or more in USB cables.” I can’t say Best Buy is any better though. Plus, Best Buy makes you join some silly little club to get their 5% off coupons in the mail or whatever. Meh.

That said, I did make my first big purchase as an adult at the Brookdale Square Circuit City (you can see photos on the Brookdale Square post). I still have the paper trail to prove it.

My cell phone has more storage capacity than this $2,000 computer.

The year was 1997. I graduated high school that spring and was ready for college. I wasn’t going away to school to live in the dorms — I was going to continue living with my parents and commute to school. I insisted to my parents that our family computer, a Packard Bell 486SX purchased in 1995, was getting slow and I needed something that could handle the projects, papers, and tasks my professors would require.

My parents aren’t the most tech-savvy people out there, but they weren’t stupid and they certainly weren’t buying my plea. I wasn’t majoring in Computer Science or Graphic Design — I was going to major in Journalism (at the time). I’d be writing papers, not creating Shockwave animations. In their eyes, I could’ve gotten by with a typewriter. In the end, they gave me two options — they offered to buy the Compton ’97 Encyclopedia CD-ROM for me (uhhh..thanks, but no), or I could buy the computer myself with some of my graduation money.

That was good enough for me! My graduation money was to be used for college-related expenses ONLY (books), not for buying fun stuff like makeup, shoes, or CDs.

Visions of Windows 98, 56K modems, and After Dark screen saver software packages danced in my head, as I took a hammer to my piggy bank and headed out the door.

Now I could continue this charade of me telling you that I wanted a new kick-ass computer system to write papers, but I think you’ve already figured out my MO. The truth was, I bought the computer to fuck around: To play my cheesy games (SimCity2000), have more hard disk space for MIDI and WAV files, work on my Geocities homepage, and have a faster modem so I could download shit like AOHELL 9.0 and spam chat rooms with 50-line macros of Bart Simpson getting blown by Lisa. Sure, I’d use it for my coursework, but if that alone was the sole reason for wanting a new computer, I could’ve gotten by just fine with the 486. For a while anyway.

Circuit City wasn't in the electronics business, they were in the insurace business (Warranty Plan, 1997)

Circuit City wasn't in the electronics business, they were in the insurance business

After pricing out computers at Best Buy, Computer City, and Circuit City, I ended up buying my PENTIUM (!!!) Packard Bell computer from Big Red. I don’t know what made me buy it at Circuit City– it must’ve been the price, or perhaps I thought that the sports coat-wearing commissioned sales guy was cute (An 18-year old girl is swayed easily by these things).

I purchased the entire package — computer, monitor, printer, and according to my receipt, I must’ve been strong-armed into buying the 5-year warranty plan,which I never cashed in on. The computer also came with a software bundle with shit like Word Perfect, Corel Draw, and MS Encarta (which made Mom happy). (Oh Mom…sorry to break this to you, but I don’t think I even clicked on the Encarta icon. I probably ended up deleting the program so I could free up hard disk space for more WAV files and Photoshop Plug-Ins).

I didn’t pay with this purchase in cash like I had originally intended — I ended up getting approved for a Circuit City credit card. Being that I was only 18 and had little credit history, I wasn’t approved for the entire price of the computer, so I paid part of it on the CC card, and part with my Visa. The idea was to pay the cards off with my graduation money as soon as the bill arrived to build some credit history, and I did just that.

After buying the computer, my mom and I had to wait around in the pick up area of the store for it to be “delivered.” It was kind of like waiting for your luggage at the airport. They had this procedure for a lot of the stuff you’d buy at CC, not just computers. Most of the time, you couldn’t just pick up a VCR or whatever off the shelf…you had to flag down a sales dude (who was busy blowing spit bubbles and starting at the ceiling), tell him which model you wanted, then listen to an annoying sales pitch and extended warranty ballyhoo before you could actually buy the damn thing & be directed to the pick up area.

Check out this sweet $2,000 setup! Rory the Lion beanie baby keeps me company while I get into a flamewar on the AOL message boards. The diet Cherry Cokes and a bag of Easter M&Ms give me enough fuel to keep my trolling fresh and sassy.

I was thrilled with my purchase and my new system allowed me to be the AOL Renegade that I had always wanted to be. I could hop from chat room to chat room, harassing other AOLers with {S duckjob in 56K warp speed!

(if you get the duckjob.wav reference, kudos to you!)

Other than the computer, I really didn’t buy much at Circuit City. I remember stopping in one time, thinking about buying a Minidisc player. I requested help from an aloof sales guy, and in response to my question, he picked up the item I was holding and began reading the side of the box to me. (I didn’t end up buying a minidisc player. Even at the time, I felt that Minidiscs weren’t going to catch on & that MP3s would be the next big thing).

I bought a few CDs here and there, but shopping here was only out of desperation. I’d only stop in if Best Buy or Target didn’t have the oddball CD I wanted. It was too much of a hassle to shop here. Even their Black Friday loss leaders never tempted me. It was just too much work & effort to go to Circuit City.

When the liquidation sale was announced earlier this year, I didn’t rush down the same day to pick over the bones of the dead company in hopes of irresistible savings, but I did stop in a few times. At the time, I was looking for a new computer (a Macbook), and checked out CC, hoping they sold Macs . They didn’t.

The going-out-of-business sale sucked. I think I stopped in 3 times. The first two times, I went to the Roseville store. It was packed, it was messy, and it was loud. Everyone was looking for the same thing — the good stuff, like discounted WIIs, cheap HDTVs, and after-market car stereos for pennies on the dollar. We knew Circuit City was closing FOR SURE. They weren’t fucking around, like Wilson’s

The Circuit City Rosedale was in a poor location

Leather or mall jewelry stores. This was it. Circuit City’s gettin’ snuffed and electronics junkies everywhere were lookin’ for deals.

Like most big stores that go out of business, they turn the sale over to a liquidation company. The company they chose couldn’t even run a going out of business sale properly. Everything was marked back up to its original MSRP. The 20% off a $19.99 DVD of Pretty in Pink wasn’t tempting; it was insulting. Target has the same DVD for $5.

“Up to 30% off”. What’s 30% off? CD disk cleaning solution, laser pointers, and candy bars. Right, time to hurry in! Anything you’d actually want was only 10% off. The discount gradually increased over time, but even in the sale’s final days, I didn’t see anything good. Even if I did find anything good, those frightening “All Sales Final” signs pretty much deterred me from purchasing any big-ticket items. I did buy a candy bar though (Baby Ruth, if you must know). It was delicious.

I went to the Maple Grove store during Circuit City’s final weekend. The store looked like a warzone. We went there looking for speakers, but there were none to be had. What was left? A bunch of CDs no one wanted, J-Lo movies on DVD, cables, and broken shit. The store was in complete disarray, with broken store displays, cords hanging from the ceiling, and empty CD-R spindles and plastic twist ties from speaker-wire packaging littering the floor. We walked out of Circuit City for the last time, empty-handed. There wasn’t even a discounted candy bar to buy.

Fourty years from now, I can’t say I’ll be waxing nostalgic about Circuit City to my grandkids. It wasn’t my favorite place to shop, but it wasn’t horrible either. However, throughout the years, it changed for the worse. The sales guy who sold me the computer in 1997 was great. He was helpful & knowledgeable. Sometime after that, Circuit City made a turn for the worse. The sales associates no longer wore dapper blazers; instead, they sported red polo shirts. Sales folks all became non-commissioned hourly employees, and in 2007, many of their high-paid store associates were let go to make way for cheaper, less knowledgeable employees to save the doomed company money. Because of all this, Circuit City’s customer service reputation took a hit throughout the last decade. The poor service combined with the confusing store layout and high prices resulted in Big Red going down in flames.

Adios, Circuit City. You reap what you sow.

Photos of Circuit City taken June 2009. All other photos are circa 1997.

Did you find any treasures during the Circuit City liquidation? Former employee? Any Circuit City memories you’d like to share? Post in the comments!

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Tags: 1990s, abandoned buildings, AOL, Best Buy, Circuit City, computers, electronics, internet memories, Packard Bell

Plymouth Center: Plymouth, MN

Aug 10

Posted by dumpystripmall in Plymouth | 13 Comments

Check out the Plymouth Center, a retail shopping oasis conveniently located off of Highway 55

Oh dear. What have we here? Could this possibly be the quintessential Dumpy Strip Mall? The Dumpy Strip Mall to end all DUMPY STRIP MALLS?

Let’s see…

Empty store fronts? CHECK.
Deserted, weed-choked parking lot? CHECK.
Crumbling architecture from 40+ years years ago? CHECK.
Businesses putting “Yes! We’re Open!” signage in the window to attract uncertain customers? CHECK
A dump truck staked out in the parking lot? CheckMATE.

This strip mall looks like it belongs on Coon Rapids Blvd, but no. It’s located off of Highway 55, in the #1 Best Place To Live: Plymouth, Minnesota.

When Money Magazine handed out the awards, apparently they overlooked Plymouth Center

Obviously, it’s attractions like the Plymouth Center that consistently boost Plymouth to the top of Money magazine’s “Best Places To Live” list.

Just as I suspected, there is no information about this place. I can’t give you the juicy details about when it opened, what stores used to be here, and what the future holds for this place. But I doubt anyone cares. I mean, look at it! This isn’t the kind of place where we’d see protesters chaining themselves to the building in hopes of saving the mall.

What’s amazing about this place is that it’s still standing. What kind of prize-winning city would let such this roadside shithole take up valuable real estate space? The entire mall is a gross disregard of Money Magazine’s award, yet somehow, some way, it’s still here.

Plymouth Center looks like a throwback to old skool 1960′s Plymouth, before it became a suburban nightmare with all the soccer moms and copy-cat businesses seeping in. Back when the town was made up of farmland, split level housing, and those zany Church Basement Ladies. Looking at it now, it was built at the wrong time and probably peaked at the wrong time. It’s kind of like the sad story of the guy who peaked in high school who had the fancy car, dashing good looks, and was dating the entire cheer squad. He’s 47 now, in prison.

This strip mall is completely abandoned, despite the welcoming signs in the windows.

Tenants were:
Java Express
Forster’s Meat & Catering
Insomniac Beads
Hair Designs

And Seattle Sutton’s, a unmanned weight loss clinic claiming to be open, with a name that sounds more fitting of a Roller Derby team. You know you’re at a dead mall when a business needs to put “Yes! We’re Open!” signage in the

The decals say YES, but the empty parking lot and locked door say NO

window to attract customers. But when a business has said verbiage in the window and is closed…well, then what?

Really, what the fuck? Seattle Suttons employees too lazy to peel off a few window decals? Think of the all calories that could’ve been burned and the lean muscle mass that could’ve been built. Then again, I’m guessing that Seattle Suttons is one of those “fuck exercise!” diet clinics, and tells its dieters to simply load up your freezer with their frozen shit and watch the pounds melt off. Then they scare you into thinking that the only way to keep the weight off is to keep buying their TV dinners or in a few short years, you will need to be lifted out of your house via crane.

It doesn’t look like this retail blemish will last much longer, with the menacing dump truck chillaxin’ in the parking lot. There are no “For Lease” signs on the premises, so it doesn’t look like commercial real estate agents are out pounding the pavement, trying to sell space in the building. The future doesn’t look rosy, but for all I know this primitive strip mall could still be standing intact five years from now.

If you have any war stories about the Plymouth Center (and I doubt anyone does), feel free to post in the comments!

Photos taken July 2009

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Tags: abandoned buildings, Seattle Sutton's, strip malls

Abandoned Target Greatland Store & The Grove: Maple Grove, MN

Jul 31

Posted by dumpystripmall in Maple Grove | 16 Comments

Compared to Target's new archetectual design, the Greatland stores look pretty dated

Compared to Target's new architectural design, the Greatland stores look pretty dated

Stores come and go, such is life. You come to expect closings from nail salons, dollar stores, or lately, your neighborhood Starbucks. When that store is Target, it’s quite a surprise.

The Maple Grove Target Greatland opened in 1998 and only nine years later, shut down. If you leave it at that, it’s pretty odd. Target closing up its only store in a flourishing suburb? What’s going on here? Is this some sort of experiment by the government?

Conspiracy theorists, put away your tinfoil hats; the explanation is simple. Target wanted to compete with the nearby Wal-Mart Super Center and couldn’t do that in its current spot. Much like a growing hermit crab in search of a new shell, Target did not have enough room in the building to grow into a SuperTarget. The Greatland closed in October 2007 to move eastward into a more size-appropriate structure. Also helping coax Target into relocation was a nearby retail development called “The Grove”, a new hospital, and a Home Deport — all promising high retail traffic by an idealistic developer.

According to an article dated December 2007, the old Target store was supposed to be redeveloped into several smaller retail spaces but these plans never materialized and the building still stands empty today. What will become of this I-94 eyesore? My anticipation is growing by the day.

If you’re not familiar with this area, Target Greatland Maple Grove did not have a bad location. With a Rainbow Foods next door, a Wal-Mart/Sam’s Club/Menards across the street, and an adjacent strip mall, there’s a considerable amount of traffic in this area. While it might be a bit out of the way from the bustling Arbor Lakes area, this seems like a great location. Maple Grove isn’t all about Arbor Lakes, you know . Isn’t it all about location, location, location?

When the Maple Grove store opened in 1998, Target had no plans on putting SuperTargets in Minnesota. Target was hell-bent to continue opening regular stores and Greatlands in the late ’90s/early ’00s, which resulted in a lot of remodeling projects later this decade. In the ’90s, the concept of a SuperTarget was puzzling to most Minnesotans. A store where you could buy baby wipes, Nair, Honors sweatpants, Mossimo flip flops, ground beef, a bag of apples, and a jug of orange juice— all in the same trip? Blasphemy!

In 1997, some of my geeky Target friends and I took a ROAD TRIP to Des Moines, Iowa for the sole purpose of going to Super Target. We took pictures, toured the store, and shook hands with the manager — it wasn’t even a work-sanctioned trip! We just wanted the chance to buy sunglasses, mascara, and grapes and have it all on the same receipt. Yes, I was that much of a nerd. A Super Target as a tourist attraction is laughable now (fuck, I shop there 3+ times/week now), but back then, Target-as-a-Grocery-Store concept was full of mystique and wonder. To me, anyway. Why am I admitting this? Fuck.

The hustle & bustle of the area

What’s so great about a Greatland? Well, not much. The Greatland stores were larger than your traditional Targets and carried a bigger selection of goods. That’s pretty much it. They did not carry a full line of groceries. They did sell a good amount of junk food, a sparse selection of canned goods, boxed dinner mixes, and cereal. You know, the kind of hoard-able food with a long shelf-life you could keep on-hand in case of Armageddon, like some screwball cat lady.

As I’ve mentioned before, Target no longer opens new stores under the “Greatland” name — it’s either a SuperTarget or a regular Target. With the uptrend in opening new (or remodoling old stores into) SuperTargets and stocking regular stores with more grocery goods, Greatlands are no longer relevand and have gone the way of the pager, WebRings, and Limp Bizkit, although there are still Target Greatland stores out there.

Today, the Maple Grove SuperTarget is up and running in its new location, right next door to a closed Slumberland store. No surpise there. Home Depot and Office Max are also in this area and both sport empty parking lots, even during prime shopping hours.

Just what Maple Grove needs...MORE STORES

The Grove looks like a ghost town — over 75% of the store fronts are empty. The stores that are there aren’t anything to write home about — Great Clips, Chipotle, and a Subway. So much for all that high traffic, huh? The whole area is kind of spooky. It’s neatly landscaped, lots of park benches, hanging geranium baskets, dancing fountains, pewter statues of kids playing leapfrog…but there’s no one around to enjoy any of it. If it weren’t for the gurgling fountains and the occasional giggle from customers eating burritos at Chipotle’s outdoor patio, the area would be completely silent.

One of my readers had this to say regarding this entire area in the comments of the Coon Rapids abandoned Target store post:

The new digs

“Target in MG closed west of 94 because Ryan(the developer) promised them prime site and new Arbor Lakes storefronts along with a hospital to get them to move east of 94. It will be a big deal and good location once the hospital gets going in Dec 2009. However, the economy has changed the face of real estate (especially retail) for the next five to seven years — it takes that long to plan, permit develop and build-out centers… Big box Slumberland has already opened and closed at “The Grove”. The ghostly empty storefronts are just an indication of too many retail stores and an exhausted consumer.”

Thank you, Mike!

Will anything become of The Grove or was this just a pie-in-the-sky daydream by a starry-eyed developer? If anything, I suppose we can expect a bunch of smoke shops, perfumeries, a cheap buffet restaurant, and a DEB to move in soon.

Photos taken June 2009

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Tags: abandoned buildings, Target

Joe's Crab Shack: Roseville, MN

Jul 15

Posted by dumpystripmall in Roseville | 9 Comments

Joe's Crab Shack is a sensory experience, to say the least

Installment #2 on Dumpy Strip Malls’ Roseville Restaurant Trilogy – the closed Joe’s Crab Shack off of Snelling Avenue.

So yep, another abandoned building/former restaurant post with complementing photo essay. These places look so sad and creepy when they’re all boarded up & lifeless like this. But, hey, I like this kind of stuff and that’s why I have this blog. I’m the weirdo pulling off the side of the road, taking pictures of run-down buildings & weedy parking lots.

The Joe’s Crab Shack chain arrived in Minnesota in 1999 with two locations — Roseville and Maple Grove. Minnesota suburbanites love their chain restaurants (me included — I don’t mind a chain restaurant, as long as it’s GOOD), but poor Joe couldn’t make it work in this town. Maybe because of the abundance of Red Lobsters around, there wasn’t room in this town for another french-fried seafood chain? Or perhaps people just wanted to go to dinner to RELAX and EAT (what a concept!) & not have their server bully them into joining their conga line every 15 minutes? Whatever the reason might’ve been, the Roseville location closed in March 2007 and the Maple Grove location shut down in early 2008.

The beach-themed Joe's Crab Shack. No, they don't take sand dollars as a form of payment, but it would add a touch of authenticity if they did

The Roseville location is still standing in development limbo, with nearly every fixture still intact, making this former non-stop summer beach bash locale look exceptionally creepy.

The Maple Grove location is now a Broadway Pizza, which is located along the northwest area of Elm Creek Blvd. There’s been a fair amount of restaurant turnover in this particular area. Former food eateries in this area include Green Mill, Krispy Kreme (which has been completely remodeled and is now a bank), Hops Restaurant & Brewery, and Baker’s Square (being torn to pieces to make way for a strip mall addition).

Unfortunately (…probably not the best choice of wording), I never ate at the Minnesota locations. My only experience with Joe’s Crab Shack was in 2000 in Gurnee, IL after a long day at Six Flags Great America (apparently, at the time, none of us knew that Joe’s Crab Shack had already infiltrated the Twin Cities area). I have pictures of this “event” but hell if I’m posting them. I would if it had been at one of the Minnesota locations, but it’s a Joe’s in the Chicago area, so no dice.

Unlike the lovely Fridley Crab House, this dining establishment is a chain, so location usually doesn’t matter, and most of this could apply to one of the MN locations. Whether it’s Chicago or Minnesota, you’re still in a landlocked state thousands of miles from the sea, leaving few choices for authentic and fresh-off-the-liner ocean seafood. Unless you want to fork over some big bucks for a meal at Oceanaire (which, by the way, isn’t doing so hot), places like Joe’s or Red Lobster will have to do. The people in my group thought

Joe's Crab Shack had a kiddie playground. What, is this McDonalds?

it would be way cool to eat here based solely on the building’s semblance of a weathered seaside frathouse that takes a yearly beating during hurricane season (Well, we were college kids). With the tiki posts, the Christmas lights strung from the deck beams, and the sheer amount of ear-numbing NOISE coming from this restaurant, it seemed like a potential hotspot for some crazy drunken shit to go down! We were all for it. (Evidently, we didn’t notice the huge outdoor KIDS play pit smack dab in front of the restaurant. Quite a perceptive group!)

I’m not crazy about seafood, but I didn’t complain — it looked like a fun place to eat. If anything, I can just grub on the popcorn shrimp and get a lil’ tipsy. Hey, it’s better than getting smashed in a depressing hotel bar.

Even though the atmosphere has that “forced-fun-designed-in-a-corporate-boardroom” feel to it, they do an okay job making you feel like you’re at the beach. The beach = throngs of people smelling like dogs & dirt from getting wet and sweating all day…which is exactly what you’d find when dining at a restaurant right next to a major amusement park. It was packed wall-to-wall in here with the same people who were at the amusement park, sporting the putrid clothes they wore all day, still damp from riding the Roaring Rapids. (same thing as Valleyfair’s Thunder Canyon). Pretty gross — but this could be said about any restaurant located near a Six Flags. I’m sure this wasn’t the case at the Minnesota locations.

We were seated at a booth that looked like a picnic table. The utensils and napkins were stored in some sort of metal bucket. I remember looking at the menu and I couldn’t find anything I wanted to eat. Everything on the menu looked like the type of food that leaves me running for the toilet. If the seafood isn’t battered, I don’t want anything to do with it. This only escalates the digestive troubles. With enough breading and tartar sauce dollops, the fishy taste can be kept to a minimum. (That’s what she said!) . I ended up ordering some sort of fried seafood basket for which I paid dearly.

Such a festive setting

Their specialty drinks here are more like DRANKS. High calorie, complicated, recipe-required alcoholic beverages that look like a work of art. I thought I remember them having quite an extensive drink menu, but looking at the menu online, it pales in comparison to TGIF’s selection. Maybe it varies by location? I don’t normally like spending $10 on one drink, but hey, I can live a little. I’m at JOE’S for crying out load. The waiters are wearing hula skirts and doin’ The Butt (Owww! Sexy, Sexy). I think I ordered some blue drink (just because it was blue. Damn gimmick every.freakin’.time) — pretty sure it was the Shark Bite, and I was tipsy-doodle-do after a few sips. That’s not saying much on the drink strength though. I’m a lightweight and beer battered walleye would get me feelin’ loose. When my drink arrived, everyone in my party thought it looked wicked cool, so more Shark Bites were ordered by our crew. Gotta live every week like it’s Shark Week, I guess.

Despite this seaside shanty’s appearance of a party house for drunken beach bums, it was crawling with little kids. The outdoor playground, cheeseball decorations, and a menu made up of mostly kid-friendly seafood should’ve tipped us off, but we were pretty surprised at all the little rugrats swimming around in here. Definitely not a place for a romantic dinner.

I can’t write about Joe’s Crab Shack without mentioning the singing staff. Every 15-20 minutes, all the servers here break into a silly song and dance routine that no one pays attention to, except the kids. It’s kind of cute the first time they do it, but beyond that, it just gets annoying. Sometimes, they try to guilt-trip you into joining them. The first act, they do the Macarena. Second act is the Sprinkler. Third act, they do the Hustle. Enough already, just let me eat my soggy seafood and limp french fries!! By the way, NEVER mention that it’s your birthday. Unless you like wearing a coconut bra and dancing in the aisles to a Jimmy Buffet song…all while a pulsating strobe light illuminates the room, making you dizzy. The free scoop of vanilla ice cream just isn’t worth it.

They also had a gift shop here, kind of like what you’d find at the Hard Rock Cafe or Margaritaville, except Joe’s totally capitalizes on the “crabs” theme. Obviously. Nothing like a little STD innuendo to whet your appetite. You can buy all kinds of shit with clever puns – like shotglasses inscribed with “Peace, Love, and Crabs” or a t-shirt that reads, “Check out my mussels.” You go Joe! I surely didn’t see those jokes coming!

The abandoned Joe's Crab Shack Playland.

The food eventually came, with our server hastily dropping our grub off at our table to go do another dance. Between the Shark Bite drinks, my fried platter, and the sand pails of crab, by the end of the night, our table looked like Jaws threw up. No one complained about the food, but no one raved about it either. Or maybe they did. I don’t know — it was so damn loud up in hurrr that I don’t think anyone in our party held a conversation beyond, “WHAT?? CAN YOU REPEAT THAT?” “OH FUCK IT, TELL ME LATER.” We left this place with our ears ringing and our bellies full of grease. Joe’s Crab Shack was one big fishy pile of MEH…but I bet my cat would love to eat the leftovers.

That said, I can’t say I’m sad that this chain uprooted itself from Minnesota. I remember one time in 2001, when my sister came into town — we had just finished up a marathon shopping session over at Rosedale and we were looking for a place to eat. She saw Joe’s and noted the boisterous vibe, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go here again. We settled on Olive Garden. Free salad and breadsticks, yo!

If I had a choice, give me Red Lobster. At least they have the cheesy biscuits. Or just give me that filet-o-fish. Give me that fish.

Any memories of Joe’s Crab Shack? Feel free to share in the comments!

Photos taken June 2009.

Eat at Joe's

Another view of the Roseville Joe's Crab Shack

Tags: abandoned buildings, chain restaurants, crabs, minnesota, restaurants, seafood, sharks, six flags great america

Stuart Anderson's Cattle Company: Roseville, MN

Jul 10

Posted by dumpystripmall in Roseville | 27 Comments

The labelscar is actually more fitting than its original lettering -- it gives it that very appropriate 'branded cow' look.

I have 3 Roseville restaurant posts coming up — I was going to put them all into one blog entry, but this Cattle Company entry got long, so I’m splitting them up. Look for a Joe’s Crab Shack and KFAN/Grumpy’s entries coming shortly. No, this blog is not turning into a restaurant review blog. These places are either closed (Cattle Company & Joe’s) or just plain cursed (Grumpy’s location). That’s why they end up on Dumpy Strip Malls, with the unflattering snapshots, and not here with the yummy food pics.

You could say this stretch of land off of Snelling Avenue is a mini Roseville Restaurant Death Row. The Cattle Company closed up shop, and Joe’s Crab Shack wasn’t far behind. But the Olive Garden and Fuddruckers are still here…so I guess my stupid joke doesn’t really work.

I chose to photograph the Roseville spots but these upcoming restaurant posts can probably be applied to any location of these restaurants. They’re chains, for crying out loud. They’re pretty much the same wherever you go. Unfortunately, with these two restaurants, you can’t eat at them in Minnesota anymore.

Well…shit.

Stuart Anderson’s Cattle Company closed all of its Minnesota locations in September 2004. I guess this chain wasn’t doing so hot here, so they bid our state happy trails and left a smattering of empty buildings that look like barns in its wake. Seems to be difficult fill these former Cattle Company locations — 5 years later, and many are still standing today. But don’t have a cow, man — Stuart Anderson’s is still operating in many states today, but under the name Black Angus Restaurant.

The satellite dish is still on the roof

When you pull up to this place, it just makes you want to start humming “Oh I’ve got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle…as they go ridin’ merrily along!” in a sing-song voice. The outside of this joint looks like a cowboy outpost and screams spittoons, spurs, and achy breaky boots. You almost feel like you should tie your horse up outside, walk bow-legged into the restaurant wearing a neckerchief, and light up a Marlboro. The logo even had a silhouette of Stuart Anderson himself panning for gold. (Yeah, I know. He’s cooking some concoction over a campfire, but in this economy, it’s the first thing that comes to mind — Mr. Anderson is obviously searching for a nice-sized bounty to bring into The Gold Guys).

When ‘ya get inside, you realize Stuart Anderson was just fuckin’ with ‘ya. This place was actually fairly trendy, almost a “business-romantic” atmosphere, as Michael Scott would say. Mood lighting, tabletop candles, a hostess in a little black dress, and piped-in Adult Contemporary music. What the hell is going on? Where’s the Minnesota’s Most Wanted posters on the wall? The Tim McGraw music? The howdy-do greeting by the hostess?

I can’t remember if they even had cowboy crap on the walls. I mean, they might’ve. I’m sure there was at least one wagon wheel nailed to the wall. How could they resist? You’d think I’d remember this a little better, being that I did eat here a fair share of times. All I know is that I didn’t feel like I was on the set of The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.

This was a reasonably-priced suburban steakhouse with decent food. You could always find coupons in your weekly

A cow figure is branded on the side of the building.

junkmail bundle, usually enticing you with a 3-course meal for two, for about $45. It faced competition from other mid-level steak chain places in town, namely Timberlodge with its rustic hunting cabin theme, and the Outback Steakhouse. As far as the Outback Steakhouse goes, I think I’m too dense to understand what the fuck the Australian Outback has to do with steak. When I think of the Land Down Under, I don’t think of beef. I think crocodiles, kangaroos, and the Men at Work. Not bovines. Whatever. And of course, there’s Manny’s and Murray’s — the downtown, high-end/Daddy Warbucks-genre of steakhouses with a la carte pricing that give off that traditional “old boy’s club” ambiance, if you want to shell out some dough and rub elbows with Sid Hartman.

Cattle Company was in the Twin Cities for as long as I can remember. I remember my parents getting a babysitter for us kids and going here sans offspring for a nice dinner out. Most kids really don’t like steakhouses anyway. Sirloin steak topped with shoestring onions? Warm bread and whipped butter? Loaded baked potato? Sounds good now as an adult, but most kids would prefer to eat soggy pizza at Circus Circus, doggy-paddle their way through the ball crawl, and come home with the Chicken Pox.

One of my favorite things about this place is that had HUGE, comfy, private booths in little alcoves around the restaurant. The downside to these alcoves was that booths were so high, your server would often forgot someone was sitting in the booth, resulting in very slow service. It was also really dimly lit, like an underground lair or a nightclub. Lots of steakhouses do this for some reason — I’m going here to eat my steak, not to pick up a guy. This is the Cattle Company, not Redstone!

This is a place you'd want to go when you didn't want to shell out the dough to eat at Murray's.

They did have a bar area, where that sort of shit went down. I remember a friend and I coming here to sit at the bar in 2001 to watch the World Series and two different dudes bought us a round of drinks. It seems a little odd that people would come to Cattle Company to hook up with a mate. Maybe it’s all those women with cowboy fetishes, thinking they might find a Kenny Chesney look-a-like here? I feel ‘ya — I went through that cowboy thing myself…when was when I was 16. My obsession was nipped in the bud when I saw Garth Brooks without his hat on. The closest you might get to a cowboy in here is perhaps finding a deputy sitting at the bar, enjoying a cold one after a long day of rounding up some stray cows on the county road. So, girl, if you really want that cowboy, either move to Montana or just go to the Disney store and get yourself a Woody doll.

We went to the Fridley location) for my pre-Junior prom dinner back in 1996. It was either this or the Sunshine Factory because that’s just what everyone did at my high school for prom. In the north suburbs, we really didn’t have much choice back then for nearby, high-faulting dining establishments. I remember walking in here (decked out in my prom dress, flower corsage, and high heels) and making

Cattle Company had a really good Moltan Lava Chocolate Fudge Cake!

Cattle Company had a really good Molten Lava Chocolate Fudge Cake!

a spectacle of myself by tripping over some extension cord taped down on the floor. Fuck, it’s no wonder that after the prom, my date just wanted to “be friends.” Technically, we are still friends. On Facebook, anyway.

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I never ate at the Roseville Cattle Company — I went to the Brooklyn Park and Fridley locations. I can’t recall where BP location was (might’ve been in Brooklyn Center?), but I’m sure the building is long gone. The Fridley location (off of University Avenue, in the Cub Foods parking lot) was razed a few years ago to make way for a CVS.

This disowned parcel in Roseville was supposed to be redeveloped into a grocery store in 2007. Not sure what happened to those plans, but here we are, 2 years later, with the Cattle Company eyesore still standing proud. The Minnetonka location is still unleased as well — let the cow fun live on!

Hate the Cattle Company? Miss the Cattle Company? Did you also have your prom dinner at the Cattle Company? Leave a note in the comments!

Photos taken June 2009.

The outside of this place says, "Home on the range where the deer and the antelope play" but the inside tells a different story

The Roseville, MN Cattle Company

Tags: abandoned buildings, cattle company, chain restaurants, cowboys, cows, prom, restaurants, steak, steakhouses, wild west

Baker's Square: Maple Grove, MN

Jun 30

Posted by dumpystripmall in Maple Grove | 17 Comments

Like Grandma always said, “Keep your fork, there’s pie!”

Okay, so that’s not the official slogan of Baker’s Square — it’s “Come for the food, stay for the pie”. Close enough though. Personally, I’d rather just come for that 3,000-calorie slice of pie & scoop of ice cream that will surely lead me down the path of bedridden obesity, and pass on the food, but that’s just me.

Keep your fork, there's pie!

Welcome to Baker’s Square, a restaurant chain serving all-day breakfast entrees, inoffensive continental cuisine, burnt coffee, and sweets that go straight to your ass. And lots and lots of French Silk Pie.

The Baker’s Square restaurant chain is still alive ‘n kickin’ in Minnesota, but only a handful of locations remain. Many locations, including Maple Grove, were wiped out in the Great Bakers Square-icide of April 2008. (Those locations were Plymouth, St. Anthony, Maplewood, Minnetonka, Burnsville, one in Minneapolis, and one in St. Paul).

Bakers Square closed early, probably keeping a lot of riff-raff out of the restaurant

Okay, so a random chain restaurant closes in the suburbs — big whoop, right? Yeah, I know…not very interesting. But by golly, I just like taking pictures of abandoned buildings and writing blog posts about said abandoned building. I’m no photographer (as evidenced by the shitty photos on this blog), so I’m not going with an artsy angle here. Just a post about a ho-hum suburban chain restaurant that I haven’t eaten at in years. I can’t really say I’m shedding tears over this one.

I’m sure Grandma is though!

Baker’s Square is the local elderly hangout. Whether it’s a gathering place to shoot the shit before hitting up the Kohls Early Bird specials, or the spot of a Grand Casino after-party, Midwestern old fogies love this place, my grandma included. When my parents would take us to Grandma’s house, Grandma would always want to come here. She’d gather up her pie tins (grandma always saved the pie tins. She’d get a whole quarter every time we’d go here), and squeal, “POPPIN’ FRESH!!! POPPIN’ FRESH!!! POPPIN’ FRESH!!” (even though this place dropped the Poppin’ Fresh name years ago) and would practically wet herself on the drive over, just thinking of the pies.

Bakers Square

Prior to 1983, Baker’s Square was known as Poppin’ Fresh. You’d think that after all this time, people would call this place by its correct name, but no. The elderly crowd this place caters to keeps the Poppin’ Fresh name alive. Oh fiddlesticks, I shouldn’t talk — I’m sure in 30 years, some young whippersnapper will poke fun at me for calling US Bank “First Bank” and referring to Macy’s as Daytons and saying stuff like, “Back in my day, Wells Fargo was Norwest Bank!!! Their logo was a giant green “N”!!!” *waves cane*

Most of the Baker’s Square locations are or were in need of a major renovation. It looked like you were dining at Grandma’s house, with the fluffy window valances, stain-concealing carpet, country floral wallpaper and matching border, all in the Baker’s Square-signature cranberry red and seagrass green color accents. Ho-hum.

You can still see the decor through the window

The food wasn’t anything to write home about either, but your Grandma probably raves about it. Lackluster comfort food and an anytime-breakfast menu is how Baker’s Square rolls — it’s the stuff you crave when it’s 2 below and you want to eat something that requires elastic waist pants (luckily, most of their regulars are people who already rock the elastic waist pants, so no wardrobe change is necessary for most patrons). The elderly-friendly menu consists of breaded chicken patties, BLTs, meatloaf, onion rings, chicken fried steak, rice pudding, pot pies– all assuring that critical bowel movement later on in the day.

So yeah — starchy, simple meals that can be gummed easily by Grandpa. And pie. Can’t forgot that pie. But really, when do you ever eat a meal at Baker’s Square? I honestly can’t remember the last time I ate here. My friends and I used to rock Perkins or Denny’s HARRRDD when we were in high school. But Bakers Square closed at like 10 or 11PM — far too early for our 1AM dinner parties, so they lost out on the teen demographic and just went after Grandma. Too bad — we’d eat ourselves sick at these places, running up a huge tab chowing down high fat trucker-style breakfast food and greasy appetizer samplers right before going to bed. How I escaped my teenage years without blowing up like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon is beyond me.

The free WiFi (Wi-Pie. I stand corrected) gives Grandma another opportunity to check her email and clog your inbox with more chain-letter email forwards.

I used to come here to pick up a pie to bring up to my parents’ house for Christmas dinner. Baker’s Square took holidays seriously. On any major pie holiday (Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas), they’d have a pie hostess sitting at a card table in the lobby, taking orders and giving you a slip of paper to claim your pie. She’d pass on your order to some hotshot manager wearing a headset and he’d fetch your pie from the fridge, and update the inventory tally. It was quite the production! With the Maple Grove Baker’s Square location closed, our Christmas dinner will forever be without a Baker’s Square pie but really, with a little effort, you could probably make a better pie at home. Especially the French Silk — probably Baker’s Square’s most popular pie.

French Silk Pie is not that difficult to make. Buy a pie crust at Cub, whip up some instant Jell-O chocolate pudding, pour into the crust, and cover in Redi-Whip. Done and DONE. If you’re feeling really adventurous, toss a Hershey’s bar in the SlapChop and sprinkle the shavings on top. Want to make the Candy Cane Christmas pie? Follow the same steps for the French Silk pie, and cut up some candy canes. BINGO – Christmas Pie!

I do miss the Fresh Strawberry pie (seasonal). That fucker was a pie I’d die for.

And I’m willing to bet the Baker’s Square pies were not made fresh, on-site. Probably trucked in from Jersey or something.

I’m not sure if Baker’s Square will last in Minnesota — with all the recent closings, it doesn’t look good. All of these breakfast places pretty much offer the same thing, but I think Perkins does it best. They’re open 24/7 AND they have a wishing well. (just don’t go there on the “Kids Eat Free Tuesdays” — the entire restaurant turns into one loud juice box-flingin’ family section). Denny’s had the silly-named menu items but other than that, it doesn’t do much for me.

And Bakers Square has the pie.

So keep your fork.

Photos taken June 2009

Baker's Square

Tags: abandoned buildings, chain restaurants, dessert, grandma, pie, restaurants

Abandoned Target Store: Coon Rapids, MN

Jun 4

Posted by dumpystripmall in Coon Rapids | 29 Comments

I love Target way more than anyone should. I’m 100% Minnesotan and Target is in my blood. I do all my grocery shopping at Super T and I’m probably there twice a week. I even loved Target as a kid. Going to Target was much more special to me than going to Kmart, even though they sold the same thing. I much preferred getting my Barbie dolls, My Little Ponies, and coloring books from Target than Kmart. We didn’t have a Target store in Brooklyn Park/Center until 1986, so prior to that, we always had to shop at the Crystal Target. When I grew up, I got a job my senior year in high school as a Target cashier and worked my way into HQ & ended up working for the company for 7 years.

The solution is easy. Buy this Target store and bulldoze it. Hold on to the land until they decide to build a Cheesecake Factory next door (hope you're patient, it might be a while). Then, sell the property for millions! It's simple, really.

So, back in 1998, I heard it through the company grapevine that the Coon Rapids Blvd (store T-42) was closing, and I got a little teary-eyed. I didn’t frequent this store, but I did shop here once in a while. Prior to this, I had never heard of a Target store in Minnesota closing!

They didn’t arbitrarily chose to close this store to meet numbers or whatever. There was a rhyme to the reason they were shuttin’ this store down. And that reason was Riverdale, the latest and greatest North Suburban retail hotspot for the new millennium.

Riverdale is the reason why, 11 years later, the entire northern corridor of Coon Rapids Blvd looks like Chernobyl. This empty Target store is just one of many abandoned retail establishments along the Coon Rapids Boulevard of broken dreams.

The Coon Rapids store closed in the fall of 1998. At the time, Riverdale was newborn retail center, only consisting of a Rainbow Foods, a Green Mill, a Hollywood Video, a Panera Bread, and of course, a Target store. They area was very underdeveloped at the time, but big plans were in place for this new area dubbed “Riverdale.” It was going to be the next big thing for North Suburban retail and rather than give this store a makeover, they threw up a Target Greatland in the nearby Riverdale area and eventually closed old T-42. This also happened to the Rainbow Foods (where the Big Lots is now). Can’t say I miss that Rainbow store. It was one of the most incredibly disgusting grocery stores I’ve ever been in, ranking right up there with that Columbia Heights Rainbow Foods pigsty. I remember going in there, looking for O’Boises chips and walking out empty-handed (so disgusted I couldn’t purchase a sealed bag of potato chips) and feeling like I needed to take a shower.

: Old Target stores all had a distinct architectural look. Without me telling you this was a Target, you could probably figure that out on your own, you smart cookie, you!

This was a pretty rough-looking Target store anyway. This was store # T-42, and judging by its low store number, it likely opened in the late 1960′s or early 70′s and never had a remodel. This particular store was a good example of a Tar-GHETTO, not a Tar-jay. The former Target store (T-180) off of West Broadway in North Minneapolis was an even better example…that was a Target experience like no other!

The Coon Rapids Blvd/Crooked Lake store is from a lost era of Target. Even in ’98, this store felt decrepit and passe. This store was from the pre-hipster days of Target. It’s from a time when Target sold only Cherokee, Chic Jeans, ProSpirit, and Honors. The popcorn smell from Food Avenue hit you the minute you walked in and wafted throughout the store. They had paper gift certificates. McGlynn’s bakeries were inside the stores instead of Starbucks & you could watch the bakers decorate cakes and cookies. They placed individual price stickers on all of their items. You could buy computers, cigarettes, and the StarTribune. They had an intercom up at the service desk and parents would request help from employees to round up their missing kids. SuperTargets were just being introduced (in 1995) and still very much a rarity and only found in Utah and Iowa. Target still put out a garden center every spring. You could get cash for returning things without a receipt. The checkout lanes had aluminum hand railings, and as kids, my brother and I would treat them as a jungle gym and climb all over the bars while Mom checked out, until the cashier yelled at us to stop monkeying around.

An old Target price tag

These things, for the most part, are all gone from today’s Target. McGlynn’s is plum out of business. Food Avenue (Food Express in some stores) has been replaced by a Pizza Hut/Taco Bell Express fusion. They don’t use the intercom system anymore. You can’t go five miles without finding a SuperTarget, and come hell or highwater, you will NOT be getting cash back if you don’t cough up your receipt.

Target was always considered more upscale than other discount mass merchandisers, but it pushed itself to a new level of chic with the introduction of the Michael Graves housewares collection, Caphalon cookware, and Mossimo clothing in 1999ish. Today’s Target sells Xhilaration, Converse, Menora, Mossimo, up-and-coming designer clothes made specifically for the store, and $80 100% cashmere sweaters. Sure, you can still find Cherokee and Honors clothing (ProSpirit is gone and Chic Jeans can be found at Fleet Farm if you really want them), but it’s not as prevalent as it once was.

Big Lots used to be Rainbow Foods.

Back in the day, Target selling food was a weird thing. Nowadays, every Target store — SuperTarget or not — has a mini grocery store inside of it. But back then, the only food you could buy at Target was candy, soda, and crackers.

Today, there’s a Goodwill store taking up part of the Target store’s old space — this is the new location of the Goodwill that was in the Springbrook Mall. There’s also a Big Lots. Oh joy.

The Firestone tire place is still kickin’ and the Arby’s is still here. The White Castle is boarded up and I believe there also was a Ground Round restaurant near the Target premises that burned down many, many years ago.

When I was up in this area to take pictures, I was quite surprised that the Target store was still standing. It’s been 11 years since it closed – you’d think the city would’ve razed it by now. The likelihood of retail redevelopment plans for this spot are pretty slim, since Riverdale gets all the shopping traffic.And what retailer in their right mind would want to be situated across from the fucking Coon Rapids Family Center Mall??

This entire area of Coon Rapids is absolutely depressing and miserable. It’s dirty, unkempt, empty buildings everywhere…and come nightfall, it’s very spooky. It’s like a mini Detroit, minus the automobile plants and Eminem. But go a few files up to Round Lake Blvd and everything changes into a bright, overdeveloped, sprawling shopping mecca. I’m not sure what the plans are for this area – if there are any. It’s been a hole for quite sometime, even pre-Riverdale days.

STOP!

All pictures of the outside were taken May 2009.

But I also have interior pics! YAY.

The interior pics are all screenshots taken from clips of the 1991 movie Career Opportunities. I picked out the best screencaps of the store from the movie, so you don’t have to comb through a bunch of video clips from this shitty movie. These pics are not from the Coon Rapids store, however, the CR Target floorplan CR was the exact same style as in the movie, so it probably didn’t vary much from these pictures. If you shopped at Target in the ’80s and ’90s, these screenshots will bring you back! It’s interesting to see what it used to look like – it almost looks like how Kmart looks today.

Enjoy all of the photos!

A typical interior of a Target store in the 80's and 90's

Another view of an old skool Target

The tape cassette display at Target. Holy FLASHBACK! I remember searching through these, looking for New Kids on the Block's Funky Funky Christmas!

The cassette display at Target. Holy FLASHBACK! I remember searching through these, looking for New Kids on the Block's Funky Funky Christmas at the Brooklyn Center store

This is how Target used to display CDs. (Yes, that's Jennifer Connelly)

This is how Target used to display CDs. (Yes, boys, that's Jennifer Connelly)

Old style Target checkout lanes

Target Food Avenue looks like a hospital cafeteria

Target Food Avenue looked like a stark hospital cafeteria

How the housewares section looked in the '80s and '90s. Those lamps are so fugly

Vintage Target service desk!

: Looking out from the Target parking lot, you can see Firestone

The bright lights of a Target parking lot spotlight.

All boarded up

I'm guessing this fenced off area was for the garden center.

I think it would be kind of creepy living across the street from an abandoned Target store.

The Goodwill is tacked on to the Target store. What used to be here, if anything? You'd think the GW would just take over the Target store, unless there was something here I don't remember

Target Store #42: Staying spooky since '98

For being abandoned for 11 years, this place has held up pretty well.

The nearby abandoned White Castle - just another Riverdale casuality.

Tags: 1990s, abandoned buildings, Big Lots, Coon Rapids, Goodwill, Jennifer Connelly, McGlynn's bakeries, Target, White Castle

Gasoline Alley: Blaine, MN

Jun 1

Posted by dumpystripmall in Blaine | 21 Comments

Let’s face it, when you’re 12 years old, you have a lot of stress in your life. Your report on “The Voyage of the Mimi” is due on Wednesday. On Thursday, they’re separating the boys and girls to teach us about pubic hair and penises – OMG how embarrassing! You still have to hit up a few houses in the neighborhood to sell pricey gift wrap for the school FUNdraiser (vinyl duffel bag, you will be mine!). And on top of all that, during computer lab time, your classmate Jessica died of dysentery in Oregon Trail. …Meh, she was a bitch. More food for the rest of us! *presses space bar to continue”

Gasoline Alley!

‘Ya gotta have a way to blow off that steam and during trying times like these, swinging from the monkey bars and playing tag just won’t cut it. Going for a long drive to clear your head would be ideal but you’re still three years away from your learner’s permit. What else could you do to ease your troubles? Badger your parents to take you to Gasoline Alley!

: This place just looks creepy now

Located in Blaine off of Highway 65 next to a trailer park community, Gasoline Alley was one of those mini amusement parks with go-karts, mini golf, bumper boats, and an arcade. It’s the kind of place where a kid could be a kid (the same could be said about Vegas, but I digress). These types of mini family fun rec areas were pretty popular in the ‘80s and ‘90s, but you really don’t see these places around much anymore. Lilliputt is still in business, but whenever I drive by the place, it’s empty. What, kids these days would rather play Mario Kart or mini golf on the WII? The WII is great and all but nothing can beat planning your perfect hole-in-one shot by aiming your dirty neon orange golf ball at a fiberglass rhino’s tusk…have it ricochet off the wall and go through the windmill tunnel and into the hole…only to have your whole strategy foiled by a ruptured seam in the Astroturf. Seams don’t happen on a WII.

I don’t know when this place closed. Looking at it now, the place just looks spooky but back in its glory days, Gasoline Alley (much like Skateland) was a big elementary/middle school birthday party and field trip destination in the ‘80s and ‘90s.

We didn’t get to go to Gasoline Alley as much as we went to LilliPutt. It was either because LilliPutt was closer and/or Gasoline Alley was too expensive. Both amusement centers offered the same attractions, but Gasoline Alley was bigger and known for its go-kart track (though calling itself an “international raceway” is a bit of a stretch). Looking at it through adult eyes, it looks awfully lame. I couldn’t tell where the bumper boats used to be, the go kart track looks tiny, and the either they removed all the giant mini golf statues (except the windmill) or Gasoline Alley took a minimalist approach to mini golf and didn’t have any fiberglass animals. What’s the point of playing mini golf without a plastic yellow hippo giving you the stinkeye as you putt for par on hole #14?

Usually when my brother would pester Mom to bring him here, she would usually tell him no and to go ride his Big Wheel or play with his Micro Machines instead. On those rare occasions (i.e. his birthday) when my parents actually would bring my brother here (and a bunch of his friends), I would always tag along. I didn’t care much for go-karts, but like any kid, I did enjoy a game of mini golf (it really helped my short game!) or bumper boats to pass the time.

Gasoline Alley provided golden opportunities to bring out the wild child in any well-behaved kid. On the track, my brother would always try to side-swipe his buddy’s car to thwart him from winning the race. Out on the high seas of the bumper boat lagoon, I’d always try to ram my watercraft (which looked like an inflatable inner tube with a steering wheel & a cheap trolling motor) into some random unsuspecting stranger’s vessel and give them whiplash.

No need to sneer at me, you crybaby! Tough shit. This is bumper boats, not the fucking lazy river. Pushing and shoving with a side of whiplash is to be expected.

Trouble didn’t take a holiday on the links either. Kids have a short attention span, and after about 12 holes of putt-putt, let’s face it, you get bored and all the holes start looking the same (that’s what she said?) One hole has a slight hill and a giant spider. The next has a giant rocks that are supposed to resemble landmines and a water hazard to the right. Rinse and repeat. There’s only so many times you can get your ball stuck in a tube that’s filled with dead leaves and candy wrappers before you get frustrated. So it was around this point in the course where hitting the fiberglass tiger square in the eye with your golf ball was much more entertaining than actually trying to make par on the hole and pencil in a decent score.

The windmill was the only mini golf statue left behind

But even that got boring after a while. Sure, the loud “ping” the ball made when it hit the statue was a riot, but sometimes, you need to cause a little more mischief. If you wanted to add insult to injury to the helpless synthetic beast, you could reach in your pocket and pull out anything with a sharp edge (utility knife, an well-worn slap bracelet, a fork) and carve an “I love Brian!” tattoo on the unfortunate tiger’s cheek. So many of the fiberglass monuments had innocent teenage graffiti on their plastic bodies and unfortunately, I admit to doing this once (sorry, I don’t know if it was at Gasoline Alley or at Lilli Putt).

Whatever. The fucker was looking at me funny. He deserved it. Besides, he looked like a kill-azz muthafucka with my wicked ink job.

Back in the day, this place was infested with kids

So, what about the go-kart track? Well, looking at it now, it doesn’t look like anything special. Calling itself an “International Raceway” is a bit misleading – this isn’t the Indy 500. It’s just another loud and annoying go-kart track filled with screaming kids and mid-life crisis dads who wanting to take a quick break from their giant SUV with ample seating and an excellent safety rating and pretend to be Jeff Gordan for a few short minutes. The course itself looks like it had a slight hill to it, with lots hairpin turns allowing for chain-reaction braking and no acceleration lanes – what, did MNDOT design the track?

: A view of the building

Gasoline Alley had an arcade so when you’ve had enough racing, bumper boating, and destroying the landscaping around the mini golf course, you could try to play some video games and hope they didn’t eat your quarters. The game room was pretty decrepit and had outdated games like Burger Time and shitty crap like a Love Calculator. On the arcade games that worked, you’d have to be a very good player to beat the computer; not because the artificial intelligence was set for super hard, but because your character was constantly walking to the right when you clearly were thrusting the sticky joystick to the left. And the “A” button had a coating of dried up soda all over it.

A view of the finish line. If Gasoline Alley was around today, I'd come here and coast into the finish line, step out of my ride, rip my helmet off and shake out my hair, just like Danica Patrick.

They also had a snack bar that had the shittiest food known to man. Yeah, I know, it’s a kiddie amusement park, so you can’t expect gourmet food, but the overpriced grub here was worse than SuperAmerica food. Decade-old wrinkled hot dogs on spinning on rollers, Totinos Party Pizzas cooked in a microwave, and a dessert cooler filled Flintstone Push Up Pops, Chipwiches, and those chocolate malt cups with the little wooden paddle spoon.

Okay, I admit, those desserts are pretty good…I could really go for a Chipwich right now.

Another pic of Gasoline Alley

Any memories of Gasoline Alley? Share in the comments!

Photos taken May 2009.

Tags: 1980s, 1990s, abandoned buildings, amusement parks, bumper boats, field trips, go-karts, junior high memories, mini golf

Posts Tagged abandoned buildings

Circuit City: Roseville, MN

Plymouth Center: Plymouth, MN

Abandoned Target Greatland Store & The Grove: Maple Grove, MN

Joe's Crab Shack: Roseville, MN

Stuart Anderson's Cattle Company: Roseville, MN

Baker's Square: Maple Grove, MN

Abandoned Target Store: Coon Rapids, MN

Gasoline Alley: Blaine, MN

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