The oddball artwork inside the Shoreview Village Mall makes this a great hangout for stoners.

It’s a proven concept that people go bonkers for places that have shit all over the walls. Just look at your average Applebee’s and TGIFridays. The parking lot is usually busy and on Friday nights, the wait list can get up to 45 minutes to get a table. The food isn’t very remarkable, so it can’t be the menu.  It’s gotta be the visual interest element. People are obviously coming because there’s a tire hanging from the ceiling and a leaf blower glued to the wall.

So why not apply that theory to a shopping mall?

This little-known Twin Cities treasure did just that, but judging from its exterior, you’d never know it. Located off of Lexington Avenue and Hwy 96, the Shoreview Village Mall looks like your average strip mall from the outside: an oversized parking lot, boring stores, a smattering of empty storefronts, and “Space Available” signs.  Blah and BLAH. Not a whole lot going on here right?

Slow your roll — it’s a foil. Don’t let the vanilla exterior fool you. Much fun lurks inside! Because someone turned this mall into an arts & craft project.

On the walls inside this shopping lair lies a 19th century-style village brought to life, mural-style, catching off-guard shoppers by surprise. An overwhelming — almost dizzying – Victorian-era mural hits you the minute you walk in the door, making you yearn for a Magic Eraser.

Uh oh! Looks like Charles Dickens is makin' a move for the groove.

No matter where you go inside this mall, the wall paintings follow you.  The mural runs throughout the entire mall, capturing that “Ye Ole Towne” charm & excitement with a vignette of happy townspeople wearing frilly dresses and overcoats, cobblestone roads, loony innkeepers, rolling hills, and lush vegetation. It takes you back to the “good ole days”, when children worked in unsafe factories, hammering away at the soles of shoes until they fainted.  Back when the village idiot would be hung in the town square while the townspeople watched with glee. The days of the Bubonic Plague! Gosh, I’m cheery today.

The  mural is intertwined with the mall tenants. For example, at Meister’s Bar & Grill, the mural depicts a gang of inebriated males drinking ale and toasting the town. The benches, potted plants, fake flowers hanging from the ceiling, and plastic tree stumps are strategically-placed, giving the artwork a 3-D effect. The artist did a nice job showing The Good Life, but should’ve done a real period piece by adding a headless horseman,  a toothless wench in a tight dress with her boobs spilling out of the top, and a scary troll hiding under a bridge to the montage.  And then throw in Jack the Ripper for good measure. Then again, Shoreview Village Mall is a shopping center, not a haunted house. Still would’ve been cool though.

So what’s all in this place, besides the creepy artwork? It houses your average strip mall tenants: A dry cleaners, a dance studio, chiropractic office, Snyder’s, Subway, Hallmark, and so on. There’s also a few places to eat: Wok Cuisine, Subway, an ice cream & coffee place, a pizza place, and a German bar.

A Fresh & Natural Foods anchors the mall, which is great if you like eating grass. This grocer used to be a Jubilee. As far as other former tenants, I really don’t know of any, other than one of those eBay “I’ll sell it for you” shops like on The 40-Year Old Virgin and my dentist’s old office.

This mall didn’t always have its creative flair.  Until 2002, the Shoreview Village Mall was your typical quiet strip mall with flat color walls free of any drawings of butchers, bakers, and candlestick makers.  It was built in 1982, but I never visited this place until sometime in mid ’90s.  My dentist moved his office to the Shoreview Village Mall in the ’90s (creatively named “Shoreview Mall Dental.” Clearly the work of an imaginative individual).  I remember this mall always being creepy, dark, and dingy, and because I associate this mall with going to the dentist (never a pleasant experience), I think of bitter “bubblegum” flavored fluoride treatments, and gritty “berry” flavored toothpaste whenever I drive by this mall.

I can't figure out if these outdated computer monitors & TVs-needing-converter-boxes are *supposed* to be here as part of some sort of artistic symbolism or if it's Shoreview Village Mall's version of a sidewalk sale. Oh yeah, there's a grill. Just in case of an impromptu BBQ.

Dental memories aside, this mall was always pretty dead, so in 2002, the mall owner poured money into this puppy to revive the sad shopping venue to win shoppers & retailers back. The exterior got a face-lift, but what could be done to perk up the inside?

Why, hire a local artist to draw painted lady rowhouses all over the walls and the fun will create itself! Of course.

The owner must’ve been high as a kite when he made that decision. Or perhaps he got the business idea straight out of the pages of Harold and the Purple Crayon and took the concept — if it doesn’t exist, draw it — a bit too far. Since no one is coming to this mall, we will DRAW people in the mall!

Okay then.

Did it work?

…Well, what do you think?

Fuck no, it just made the mall creepier.

I suppose it could’ve been worse — they could’ve went with macaroni art or Spirograph. Or put up velvet paintings of dogs playing poker WITH Elvis and Jesus and James Brown and–AND–AND!!! Have Michael Jackson ghost-moonwalking on the table!

Or did the mural Simpsons-style.

Wait, no. A Simpsons-style mural would’ve been wicked cool.

Photos taken June 2009.

[View with PicLens]

Old-skool Circuit City stores, like the Roseville store, had an entrance shaped like a UL standard plug.

Circuit City has been circling in the drain for years and in early 2009, it finally kicked the bucket.  Its demise was a long time coming. Circuit City has been living on borrowed time this past decade. With its empty parking lots and deserted stores, it was one of those places you wondered how it stayed in business. I swear, places like Circuit City and some of these other companies must have a deal with drug cartels to stay open and never have any customers.

Alright. So, it’s seven (or so) months later since the second-fiddle big box electronics dealer closed its doors and I’m finally getting around to writing about this. Better late than never, right? I can’t ignore a huge chain store closing – so it’s about time to pay homage to the giant red plug in the ground.

The pictures in this article are all from the Rosedale store, but I didn’t shop at that location very often.  I shopped at the Brooklyn Center location. Actually, I think the only time I ever went into the Roseville store was during the liquidation “sale”, but we’ll get to that later.

For the record, here’s a list of the other locations that were in the Twin Cities at some point:
Brooklyn Center
Burnsville
Coon Rapids
Edina
Mall of America (Circuit City Express. They sold stuff like cables and wires and cell phones. So, kind of like a Radio Shack.)
Maple Grove
Maplewood
Minnetonka
Woodbury

Retailers everywhere are BEGGING for Circuit City's square footage

I was never a huge fan of Circuit City, but I can’t say I ever had a problem with it. It’s not like I’m hoping the chain is burning in hell as we speak. In a way, it kinda blows that Best Buy now has no real competition here.  I always shopped at Best Buy for my electronics needs, but on occasion, I did stop in at Circuit City. Why didn’t I care for CC? A few reasons:

#1: Circuit City had checkout stations located haphazardly throughout the store and no one was ever manning them. When you wanted to purchase something, you had to wave down an associate or bring your purchase up to the Customer Service desk and get in line with people doing returns or filing a complaint. Best Buy has easy-to-find checkout lanes all located at the front of the store, where they should be.

#2: The entire checkout process was annoying. When you finally did find someone to ring you up, it was always complicated, arduous process, even if you were just buying a CD. The sales associate would ask you for your name, address, and whatnot. You had to stand at the station for like 10 minutes while they typed god knows what into the computer. All I wanted was a Smash Mouth CD! You expect paperwork when you buy a car or a house, but a CD?  I’ve gotten bank loans faster.

#3:  Circuit City was a confusing mess. The VHS (later DVD) and CD sections were one giant clusterfuck. Plus, Circuit City kind of had a slimeball feel to it; it always felt like something shady was goin’ on there, but I could never quite put my finger on it.

#4: I don’t like shopping in the dark. Upon entering Circuit City, you felt like you were entering an electronics bunker.

#5: Best Buy is a Minnesota company, so they’ve got that whole “Hometown Hero” thing going for it, just like Target. I don’t even know where CC is based out of, nor do I care.

#6: Their coupons were full of holes & you needed to read the fine print carefully. You couldn’t use them on anything you actually wanted. They basically amounted to, “Good for $15 off a purchase of $100 or more in USB cables.” I can’t say Best Buy is any better though. Plus, Best Buy makes you join some silly little club to get their 5% off coupons in the mail or whatever. Meh.

That said, I did make my first big purchase as an adult at the Brookdale Square Circuit City (you can see photos on the Brookdale Square post). I still have the paper trail to prove it.

My cell phone has more storage capacity than this $2,000 computer.

The year was 1997. I graduated high school that spring and was ready for college.  I wasn’t going away to school to live in the dorms — I was going to continue living with my parents and commute to school. I insisted to my parents that our family computer, a Packard Bell 486SX purchased in 1995, was getting slow and I needed something that could handle the projects, papers, and tasks my professors would require.

My parents aren’t the most tech-savvy people out there, but they weren’t stupid and they certainly weren’t buying my plea. I wasn’t majoring in Computer Science or Graphic Design — I was going to major in Journalism (at the time).  I’d be writing papers, not creating Shockwave animations. In their eyes, I could’ve gotten by with a typewriter. In the end, they gave me two options — they offered to buy the Compton ‘97 Encyclopedia CD-ROM for me (uhhh..thanks, but no), or I could buy the computer myself with some of my graduation money.

That was good enough for me! My graduation money was to be used for college-related expenses ONLY (books), not for buying fun stuff like makeup, shoes, or CDs.

Visions of Windows 98, 56K modems, and After Dark screen saver software packages danced in my head, as I took a hammer to my piggy bank and headed out the door.

Now I could continue this charade of me telling you that I wanted a new kick-ass computer system to write papers, but I think you’ve already figured out my MO. The truth was, I bought the computer to fuck around:  To play my cheesy games (SimCity2000), have more hard disk space for MIDI and WAV files, work on my Geocities homepage, and have a faster modem so I could download shit like AOHELL 9.0 and spam chat rooms with 50-line macros of Bart Simpson getting blown by Lisa.  Sure, I’d use it for my coursework, but if that alone was the sole reason for wanting a new computer, I could’ve gotten by just fine with the 486. For a while anyway.

Circuit City wasn't in the electronics business, they were in the insurance business

After pricing out computers at Best Buy, Computer City, and Circuit City, I ended up buying my PENTIUM (!!!) Packard Bell computer from Big Red. I don’t know what made me buy it at Circuit City– it must’ve been the price, or perhaps I thought that the sports coat-wearing commissioned sales guy was cute (An 18-year old girl is swayed easily by these things).

I purchased the entire package — computer, monitor, printer, and according to my receipt, I must’ve been strong-armed into buying the 5-year warranty plan,which I never cashed in on.  The computer also came with a software bundle with shit like Word Perfect, Corel Draw, and MS Encarta (which made Mom happy).  (Oh Mom…sorry to break this to you, but I don’t think I even clicked on the Encarta icon. I probably ended up deleting the program so I could free up hard disk space for more WAV files and Photoshop Plug-Ins).

I didn’t pay with this purchase in cash like I had originally intended — I ended up getting approved for a Circuit City credit card. Being that I was only 18 and had little credit history, I wasn’t approved for the entire price of the computer, so I paid part of it on the CC card, and part with my Visa. The idea was to pay the cards off with my graduation money as soon as the bill arrived to build some credit history, and I did just that.

After buying the computer, my mom and I had to wait around in the pick up area of the store for it to be “delivered.” It was kind of like waiting for your luggage at the airport. They had this procedure for a lot of the stuff you’d buy at CC, not just computers.  Most of the time, you couldn’t just pick up a VCR or whatever off the shelf…you had to flag down a sales dude (who was busy blowing spit bubbles and starting at the ceiling), tell him which model you wanted, then listen to an annoying sales pitch and extended warranty ballyhoo before you could actually buy the damn thing & be directed to the pick up area.

Check out this sweet $2,000 setup! Rory the Lion beanie baby keeps me company while I get into a flamewar on the AOL message boards. The diet Cherry Cokes and a bag of Easter M&Ms give me enough fuel to keep my trolling fresh and sassy.

I was thrilled with my purchase and my new system allowed me to be the AOL Renegade that I had always wanted to be.  I could hop from chat room to chat room,  harassing other AOLers with {S duckjob in 56K warp speed!

(if you get the duckjob.wav reference, kudos to you!)

Other than the computer, I really didn’t buy much at Circuit City. I remember stopping in one time, thinking about buying a Minidisc player. I requested help from an aloof sales guy, and in response to my question, he picked up the item I was holding and began reading the side of the box to me. (I didn’t end up buying a minidisc player. Even at the time, I felt that Minidiscs weren’t going to catch on & that MP3s would be the next big thing).

I bought a few CDs here and there, but shopping here was only out of desperation. I’d only stop in if Best Buy or Target didn’t have the oddball CD I wanted. It was too much of a hassle to shop here. Even their Black Friday loss leaders never tempted me. It was just too much work & effort to go to Circuit City.

When the liquidation sale was announced earlier this year, I didn’t rush down the same day to pick over the bones of the dead company in hopes of irresistible savings, but I did stop in a few times. At the time, I was looking for a new computer (a Macbook), and checked out CC, hoping they sold Macs . They didn’t.

The going-out-of-business sale sucked. I think I stopped in 3 times. The first two times, I went to the Roseville store. It was packed, it was messy, and it was loud. Everyone was looking for the same thing — the good stuff, like discounted WIIs, cheap HDTVs, and after-market car stereos for pennies on the dollar. We knew Circuit City was closing FOR SURE. They weren’t fucking around, like Wilson’s

The Circuit City Rosedale was in a poor location

Leather or mall jewelry stores. This was it. Circuit City’s gettin’ snuffed and electronics junkies everywhere were lookin’ for deals.

Like most big stores that go out of business, they turn the sale over to a liquidation company. The company they chose couldn’t even run a going out of business sale properly. Everything was marked back up to its original MSRP. The 20% off a $19.99 DVD of Pretty in Pink wasn’t tempting; it was insulting. Target has the same DVD for $5.

“Up to 30% off”. What’s 30% off? CD disk cleaning solution, laser pointers, and candy bars. Right, time to hurry in! Anything you’d actually want was only 10% off. The discount gradually increased over time, but even in the sale’s final days, I didn’t see anything good. Even if I did find anything good, those frightening “All Sales Final” signs pretty much deterred me from purchasing any big-ticket items. I did buy a candy bar though (Baby Ruth, if you must know). It was delicious.

I went to the Maple Grove store during Circuit City’s final weekend. The store looked like a warzone.  We went there looking for speakers, but there were none to be had. What was left? A bunch of CDs no one wanted, J-Lo movies on DVD, cables, and broken shit.  The store was in complete disarray, with broken store displays, cords hanging from the ceiling, and empty CD-R spindles and plastic twist ties from speaker-wire packaging littering the floor. We walked out of Circuit City for the last time, empty-handed. There wasn’t even a discounted candy bar to buy.

Fourty years from now, I can’t say I’ll be waxing nostalgic about Circuit City to my grandkids. It wasn’t my favorite place to shop, but it wasn’t horrible either. However, throughout the years, it changed for the worse.  The sales guy who sold me the computer in 1997 was great. He was helpful & knowledgeable. Sometime after that, Circuit City made a turn for the worse. The sales associates no longer wore dapper blazers; instead, they sported red polo shirts. Sales folks all became non-commissioned hourly employees, and in 2007, many of their high-paid store associates were let go to make way for cheaper, less knowledgeable employees to save the doomed company money. Because of all this, Circuit City’s customer service reputation took a hit throughout the last decade. The poor service combined with the confusing store layout and high prices resulted in Big Red going down in flames.

Adios, Circuit City. You reap what you sow.

Photos of Circuit City taken June 2009. All other photos are circa 1997.

Did you find any treasures during the Circuit City liquidation? Former employee? Any Circuit City memories you’d like to share? Post in the comments!

[View with PicLens]

Check out the Plymouth Center, a retail shopping oasis conveniently located off of Highway 55

Oh dear. What have we here? Could this possibly be the quintessential Dumpy Strip Mall? The Dumpy Strip Mall to end all DUMPY STRIP MALLS?

Let’s see…

Empty store fronts? CHECK.
Deserted, weed-choked parking lot? CHECK.
Crumbling architecture from 40+ years years ago? CHECK.
Businesses putting “Yes! We’re Open!” signage in the window to attract uncertain customers? CHECK
A dump truck staked out in the parking lot? CheckMATE.

This strip mall looks like it belongs on Coon Rapids Blvd, but no.  It’s located off of Highway 55, in the #1 Best Place To Live: Plymouth, Minnesota.

When Money Magazine handed out the awards, apparently they overlooked Plymouth Center

Obviously, it’s attractions like the Plymouth Center that consistently boost Plymouth to the top of Money magazine’s “Best Places To Live” list.

Just as I suspected, there is no information about this place. I can’t give you the juicy details about when it opened, what stores used to be here,  and what the future holds for this place.  But I doubt anyone cares. I mean, look at it! This isn’t the kind of place where we’d see protesters chaining themselves to the building in hopes of saving the mall.

What’s amazing about this place is that it’s still standing. What kind of prize-winning city would let such this roadside shithole take up valuable real estate space?  The entire mall is a gross disregard of Money Magazine’s award, yet somehow, some way, it’s still here.

Plymouth Center looks like a throwback to old skool 1960’s Plymouth, before it became a suburban nightmare with all the soccer moms and copy-cat businesses seeping in. Back when the town was made up of farmland, split level housing, and those zany Church Basement Ladies. Looking at it now, it was built at the wrong time and probably peaked at the wrong time. It’s kind of like the sad story of the guy who peaked in high school who had the fancy car, dashing good looks, and was dating the entire cheer squad. He’s 47 now, in prison.

This strip mall is completely abandoned, despite the welcoming signs in the windows.

Tenants were:
Java Express
Forster’s Meat & Catering
Insomniac Beads
Hair Designs

And Seattle Sutton’s, a unmanned weight loss clinic claiming to be open, with a name that sounds more fitting of a Roller Derby team. You know you’re at a dead mall when a business needs to put “Yes! We’re Open!” signage in the

The decals say YES, but the empty parking lot and locked door say NO

window to attract customers. But when a business has said verbiage in the window and is closed…well, then what?

Really, what the fuck? Seattle Suttons employees too lazy to peel off a few window decals? Think of the all calories that could’ve been burned and the lean muscle mass that could’ve been built. Then again, I’m guessing that Seattle Suttons is one of those “fuck exercise!” diet clinics, and tells its dieters to simply load up your freezer with their frozen shit and watch the pounds melt off. Then they scare you into thinking that the only way to keep the weight off is to keep buying their TV dinners or in a few short years, you will need to be lifted out of your house via crane.

It doesn’t look like this retail blemish will last much longer, with the menacing dump truck chillaxin’ in the parking lot. There are no “For Lease” signs on the premises, so it doesn’t look like commercial real estate agents are out pounding the pavement, trying to sell space in the building. The future doesn’t look rosy,  but for all I know this primitive strip mall could still be standing intact five years from now.

If you have any war stories about the Plymouth Center (and I doubt anyone does), feel free to post in the comments!

Photos taken July 2009

[View with PicLens]

Brookdale Center, 1962

From Dave:

“This store opened on May 17, 1962. You’ll notice the little kangaroo
(or whatever it is) sign on the parking lot light pole. The architect
who designed this mall, Victor Gruen, was big on cartoon-style signs
as a reminder for shoppers to remember where they parked their cars.”

Thanks Dave!

Dave has a blog – Pleasant Family Shopping — that has lots of old skool pictures of shopping centers and stores — check it out!

I should have new entries coming up soon, hopefully a new post tomorrow.

Compared to Target's new architectural design, the Greatland stores look pretty dated

Stores come and go, such is life. You come to expect closings from nail salons, dollar stores, or lately, your neighborhood Starbucks. When that store is Target, it’s quite a surprise.

The Maple Grove Target Greatland opened in 1998 and only nine years later, shut down. If you leave it at that, it’s pretty odd. Target closing up its only store in a flourishing suburb? What’s going on here? Is this some sort of experiment by the government?

Conspiracy theorists, put away your tinfoil hats; the explanation is simple. Target wanted to compete with the nearby Wal-Mart Super Center and couldn’t do that in its current spot. Much like a growing hermit crab in search of a new shell, Target did not have enough room in the building to grow into a SuperTarget. The Greatland closed in October 2007 to move eastward into a more size-appropriate structure.  Also helping coax Target into relocation was a nearby retail development called “The Grove”, a new hospital, and a Home Deport — all promising high retail traffic by an idealistic developer.

According to an article dated December 2007, the old Target store was supposed to be redeveloped into several smaller retail spaces but these plans never materialized and the building still stands empty today. What will become of this I-94 eyesore? My anticipation is growing by the day.

If you’re not familiar with this area, Target Greatland Maple Grove did not have a bad location. With a Rainbow Foods next door, a Wal-Mart/Sam’s Club/Menards across the street, and an adjacent strip mall,  there’s a considerable amount of traffic in this area. While it might be a bit out of the way from the bustling Arbor Lakes area, this seems like a great location. Maple Grove isn’t all about Arbor Lakes, you know .  Isn’t it all about location, location, location?

When the Maple Grove store opened in 1998, Target had no plans on putting SuperTargets in Minnesota.  Target was hell-bent to continue opening regular stores and Greatlands in the late ’90s/early ’00s, which resulted in a lot of remodeling projects later this decade. In the ’90s, the concept of a SuperTarget was puzzling to most Minnesotans. A store where you could buy baby wipes, Nair, Honors sweatpants,  Mossimo flip flops, ground beef, a bag of apples, and a jug of orange juice— all in the same trip? Blasphemy!

In 1997, some of my geeky Target friends and I took a ROAD TRIP to Des Moines, Iowa for the sole purpose of going to Super Target. We took pictures, toured the store, and shook hands with the manager — it wasn’t even a work-sanctioned trip!  We just wanted the chance to buy sunglasses, mascara, and grapes and have it all on the same receipt.  Yes, I was that much of a nerd. A Super Target as a tourist attraction is laughable now (fuck, I shop there 3+ times/week now), but back then, Target-as-a-Grocery-Store concept was full of mystique and wonder. To me, anyway. Why am I admitting this? Fuck.

The hustle & bustle of the area

What’s so great about a Greatland? Well, not much. The Greatland stores were larger than your traditional Targets and carried a bigger selection of goods. That’s pretty much it. They did not carry a full line of groceries. They did sell a good amount of junk food, a sparse selection of canned goods, boxed dinner mixes, and cereal. You know, the kind of hoard-able food with a long shelf-life you could keep on-hand in case of Armageddon, like some screwball cat lady.

As I’ve mentioned before, Target no longer opens new stores under the “Greatland” name — it’s either a SuperTarget or a regular Target. With the uptrend in opening new (or remodoling old stores into) SuperTargets and stocking regular stores with more grocery goods, Greatlands are no longer relevand and have gone the way of the pager, WebRings, and Limp Bizkit, although there are still Target Greatland stores out there.

Today, the Maple Grove SuperTarget is up and running in its new location, right next door to a closed Slumberland store. No surpise there. Home Depot and Office Max are also in this area and both sport empty parking lots, even during prime shopping hours.

Just what Maple Grove needs...MORE STORES

The Grove looks like a ghost town — over 75% of the store fronts are empty. The stores that are there aren’t anything to write home about — Great Clips, Chipotle, and a Subway.  So much for all that high traffic, huh? The whole area is kind of spooky. It’s neatly landscaped, lots of park benches, hanging geranium baskets,  dancing fountains, pewter statues of kids playing leapfrog…but there’s no one around to enjoy any of it. If it weren’t for the gurgling fountains and the occasional giggle from customers eating burritos at Chipotle’s outdoor patio, the area would be completely silent.

One of my readers had this to say regarding this entire area in the comments of the Coon Rapids abandoned Target store post:

The new digs

“Target in MG closed west of 94 because Ryan(the developer) promised them prime site and new Arbor Lakes storefronts along with a hospital to get them to move east of 94. It will be a big deal and good location once the hospital gets going in Dec 2009. However, the economy has changed the face of real estate (especially retail) for the next five to seven years — it takes that long to plan, permit develop and build-out centers… Big box Slumberland has already opened and closed at “The Grove”. The ghostly empty storefronts are just an indication of too many retail stores and an exhausted consumer.”

Thank you, Mike!

Will anything become of The Grove or was this just a pie-in-the-sky daydream by a starry-eyed developer? If anything, I suppose we can expect a bunch of smoke shops, perfumeries, a cheap buffet restaurant, and a DEB to move in soon.

Photos taken June 2009

[View with PicLens]

12►

This place changes its name more than Prince

Put another log on the fire — here’s the last installment of the Roseville Restaurant Trilogy. This time, it’s all about the restaurant formerly known as KFAN.

If you’re familiar with the Roseville area, you know that this restaurant location is cursed. It seems like every time you drive by this place, it has a new name. In only five years, this restaurant has changed ownership four times…that’s nearly once per year. It probably sets some sort of record or something.

Because of this location’s spotty tenant track record, one might think that the history of this restaurant would be a good premise for a future Stephan King novel.   Why can’t anything can stay here very long? Surely it must be haunted! Perhaps it’s built on an ancient Indian burial ground?

I wish the KFAN/Big City/WhateverTheFuckIt’sCalled’s folklore were that exciting, but it isn’t. It’s simply a shitty location for a restaurant, that’s all. There’s no creepy ghost story and no need to call Scooby Doo to the scene. If you’re really that desperate for a spooky tale, fix yourself a bowl of BooBerry cereal and grab an Ecto-Cooler HiC juice box from the fridge, and skim through a FearStreet book. Then hop back on your computer and continue reading.

Originally, this was an Italian restaurant called “Lido’s”. Can’t say I ever ate there or even remember it. I believe that Lido’s was torn down sometime in 2003 and KFAN went up in its place.

Here’s the timeline:

KFAN the Restaurant: Opened in December 2003, closed in 2005.

Big City Tavern: Opened in September 2005, closed in July 2006.

Majors: Opened in September 2006, closed sometime in 2008.

Grumpy’s: Opened in 2008 – present. How long will this last? I could probably start a death pool on this and offer up a prize to the reader who correctly guesses its closing date, but that wouldn’t be very nice now, would it?

The KFAN Restaurant logo

In case you’re not familiar with Minnesota radio, KFAN is a supposed to be a sports talk radio station, but whenever I turn them on, they’re talking about politics. I suppose even the biggest sports nut has a limit on how much Brett Favre joining the Vikings speculation they can take per day. I don’t listen to the station much, but I know that last year, one of their big-time personalities was busted for crack and promptly fired. They also have some yahoo who calls himself a common man like it’s a good thing. Then again, in today’s world of everyone thinking they’re a special snowflake, someone who calls himself a “Common Man” is a little refreshing.

KFAN 1130 AM, like most radio stations in town, is owned by media giant Clear Channel communications. In the early ’00s, Clear Channel had a bright idea to launch a chain of sports bar style restaurants, but wanted to class it up by focusing more on food quality and decor rather than nailing a bunch of faux vintage sports memorabilia to the walls like most sports joints do.

KFAN the Restaurant was their pet project and Clear Channel’s foray into the restaurant business all hinged on its success. If it was a hit, Clear Channel planned to open 12 to 18 similar radio-themed restaurants around the country, using the namesake of popular local radio stations.

Unfortunately for Clear Channel, KFAN the Restaurant wasn’t a winner.  The exact reason why KFAN closed is up for debate — a few articles alluded to restaurant management not being happy with Clear Channel’s rigid restrictions on how they ran the place. Location probably played a huge role in its failure as well. Despite it being located and easily

The entrance/exit to Grumpy's. I always wondered why they couldn't connect this road to Snelling Avenue. It'd make things a little bit easier

spotted on busy Snelling Avenue, it’s tough to figure out how to access this place. If you’re coming from North Snelling Avenue, you need to drive about a 1/2 mile past the restaurant, turn at the stoplight, and then take the service road alllll the way back, passing a strip mall, various ho-hum retail establishments, and a car dealership before turning into the cul-de-sac in which the restaurant resides. That’s just too damn much work to eat at what appears to be a generic sports bar. Meh,  it’s easier just to sing for your supper….or just say fuck this bullshit, and head over to the area closer to Rosedale.

Speaking of which, this place is located too far away from the Roseville’s hotspot — the Rosedale Mall. Plenty of eating

and entertainment options surround the mall, and it’s no surprise that shoppers are more likely to eat at Granite City, Macaroni Grill, Flame, Good Earth, and so on, rather than try to navigate their way out to Snelling Avenue and try to figure out how to access this place. But hey, it’s located next to Midway Ford, so….?

Had KFAN the Restaurant succeeded, would we now have a KDWB the Restaurant? Imagine the possibilities! Gary Spivey readings! They could host Jingle Ball/Star Party/Last Chance Summer Dance (do they still do that?) in one of the basement banquet halls here! An expansive, 3-song playlist piped over the sound system: the latest Black Eyed Peas song, a rap song with a hook featuring T-Pain, and Baby Got Back!  There could be ads on the bathroom stall doors peddling mangle mouth makeovers from Dr. Dave Hertelendy at All Care Dentistry, an ad for LASIK surgery from the good folks at North Suburban Eye Specialists, and Slim4Life ads (just the kind of propaganda you want to see when you’re taking at shit at a restaurant selling fried food).

Okay, so back to KFAN.

When you walk up to this place, the first thing you notice is the monumental, eye-catching entrance. Upon entering, you immediately feel like you’re under dressed — like you should be wearing a sports coat instead of wearing jeans and your Randall McDaniel jersey purchased in 1995.  After looking around at the high ceilings, marble tiles, grand staircases, and mood lighting, you feel a bit confused — this supposed to be SPORTS bar, right? A sports bar for a radio station that calls its listeners “Rubes”? The luxurious backdrop of this place is a bit unexpected.

As you’ve probably figured out, this wasn’t just your typical, tired suburban sports bar. Sure, they had Golden Tee, pool tables, top 40 90’s alt rock music blaring on the sound system, (I remember going here one time when it was Big City Tavern and hearing The

Grumpy's offers outdoor dining

Wallflowers’ One Headlight 3 freakin’ times!), flat screens, and a plenty of slutty girls with bad highlights and 20-something men with beer guts wearing too-tight Affliction t-shirts.

This place is just too big — three levels too big.  Only two areas are open to the dining public — the dining area and the bar area. The rest of the place includes several banquet halls and conference rooms, all of which I’ve never witnessed anyone using.  At one point, when this place was Big City Tavern, the downstairs was going to be turned into a dinner theater. That would’ve been kind of cool.

There was a gift shop near the entrance hawking KFAN sweatshirts, beer kozies, keychains, Dan Barreiro autographed photos suitable for framing, and other various overpriced, screenprinted doodads featuring the station’s call letters. Never saw anyone buy any of this shit. They also held live radio broadcasts from the restaurant a few days a week, so you could do a meet ‘n greet with your favorite KFAN personality — just like you would at the state fair.

I only ate in the dining area once. I felt like I was missing out on all of the shenanigans happening over in the bar area. The dining room was quiet and peaceful, but that’s not really what I expected when I went here. It’s nice that they didn’t shove the sports down your throat like most places do, but really…it’s a sports bar, and, well, I kind of wanted to watch THE GAME and scream obscenities at TV sets. That’s why I chose a place named after a sports station. Even though the experience was pleasant, every time I’d go here after that, my party and I forgo the dining area and belly up to the bar and shoot some pool instead.

The food wasn’t too bad, but it couldn’t have been that memorable because I don’t really have anything to say about it. It was your typical American fare–burgers, chicken sandwiches, salads, fried apps. You could even order “fancier” entrees like salmon and porterhouse steak.  Prices were okay, perhaps a bit on the expensive side. I do remember ringing up quite the tab after spending a night of aggressive drinking here. Oops.

A view of the doomed diner

Despite all of its different lifeforms, this restaurant didn’t really seem to change. You really couldn’t distinguish whether it was KFAN/Big City/Majors when you walked in or even by looking at the menu. It all pretty much seemed the same. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or what.

Today, this place is Grumpy’s, suburban-style. Seems to be quite an odd location for a Grumpy’s , so we’ll see how long this will last. I haven’t eaten here myself since it was Majors, so here’s a local blogger’s review of it as Grumpy’s, complete with food pics and snapshots pics of the inside.

Any information to add? Any memories of this place? Post in the comments!

The old address — http://dumpystripmalls.wordpress.com — as well as all individual posts — will continue to work but will automatically redirect to the new domain.

The redirects will work indefinitely, but you might want to update your bookmarks. I’m still fiddling with the layout & testing new themes to get it looking exactly how I want it, so you’re probably going to see all kinds of layout weirdness here for the next few days.

Have a great weekend!

Joe's Crab Shack is a sensory experience, to say the least

Installment #2 on Dumpy Strip Malls’ Roseville Restaurant Trilogy – the closed Joe’s Crab Shack off of Snelling Avenue.

So yep, another abandoned building/former restaurant post with complementing photo essay. These places look so sad and creepy when they’re all boarded up & lifeless like this. But, hey, I like this kind of stuff and that’s why I have this blog. I’m the weirdo pulling off the side of the road, taking pictures of run-down buildings & weedy parking lots.

The Joe’s Crab Shack chain arrived in Minnesota in 1999 with two locations — Roseville and Maple Grove. Minnesota suburbanites love their chain restaurants (me included — I don’t mind a chain restaurant, as long as it’s GOOD), but poor Joe couldn’t make it work in this town.  Maybe because of the abundance of Red Lobsters around, there wasn’t room in this town for another french-fried seafood chain? Or perhaps people just wanted to go to dinner to RELAX and EAT (what a concept!) & not have their server bully them into joining their conga line every 15 minutes? Whatever the reason might’ve been, the Roseville location closed in March 2007 and the Maple Grove location shut down in early 2008.

The beach-themed Joe's Crab Shack. No, they don't take sand dollars as a form of payment, but it would add a touch of authenticity if they did

The Roseville location is still standing in development limbo, with nearly every fixture still intact, making this former non-stop summer beach bash locale look exceptionally creepy.

The Maple Grove location is now a Broadway Pizza, which is located along the northwest area of Elm Creek Blvd. There’s been a fair amount of restaurant turnover in this particular area.  Former food eateries in this area include Green Mill, Krispy Kreme (which has been completely remodeled and is now a bank), Hops Restaurant & Brewery, and Baker’s Square (being torn to pieces to make way for a strip mall addition).

Unfortunately (…probably not the best choice of wording), I never ate at the Minnesota locations. My only experience with Joe’s Crab Shack was in 2000 in Gurnee, IL after a long day at Six Flags Great America (apparently, at the time, none of us knew that Joe’s Crab Shack had already infiltrated the Twin Cities area). I have pictures of this “event” but hell if I’m posting them. I would if it had been at one of the Minnesota locations, but it’s a Joe’s in the Chicago area, so no dice.

Unlike the lovely Fridley Crab House, this dining establishment is a chain, so location usually doesn’t matter, and most of this could apply to one of the MN locations. Whether it’s Chicago or Minnesota, you’re still in a landlocked state thousands of miles from the sea, leaving few choices for authentic and fresh-off-the-liner ocean seafood. Unless you want to fork over some big bucks for a meal at Oceanaire (which, by the way, isn’t doing so hot), places like Joe’s or Red Lobster will have to do. The people in my group thought

Joe's Crab Shack had a kiddie playground. What, is this McDonalds?

it would be way cool to eat here based solely on the building’s semblance of a weathered seaside frathouse that takes a yearly beating during hurricane season (Well, we were college kids).   With the tiki posts, the Christmas lights strung from the deck beams, and the sheer amount of ear-numbing NOISE coming from this restaurant, it seemed like a potential hotspot for some crazy drunken shit to go down! We were all for it. (Evidently, we didn’t notice the huge outdoor KIDS play pit smack dab in front of the restaurant. Quite a perceptive group!)

I’m not crazy about seafood, but I didn’t complain — it looked like a fun place to eat. If anything, I can just grub on the popcorn shrimp and get a lil’ tipsy. Hey, it’s better than getting smashed in a depressing hotel bar.

Even though the atmosphere has that “forced-fun-designed-in-a-corporate-boardroom” feel to it, they do an okay job making you feel like you’re at the beach. The beach = throngs of people smelling like dogs & dirt from getting wet and sweating all day…which is exactly what you’d find when dining at a restaurant right next to a major amusement park. It was packed wall-to-wall in here with the same people who were at the amusement park, sporting the putrid clothes they wore all day, still damp from riding the Roaring Rapids. (same thing as Valleyfair’s Thunder Canyon).  Pretty gross — but this could be said about any restaurant located near a Six Flags. I’m sure this wasn’t the case at the Minnesota locations.

We were seated at a booth that looked like a picnic table. The utensils and napkins were stored in some sort of metal bucket. I remember looking at the menu and I couldn’t find anything I wanted to eat. Everything on the menu looked like the type of food that leaves me running for the toilet. If the seafood isn’t battered, I don’t want anything to do with it. This only escalates the digestive troubles.  With enough breading and tartar sauce dollops, the fishy taste can be kept to a minimum. (That’s what she said!) .  I ended up ordering some sort of fried seafood basket for which I paid dearly.

Such a festive setting

Their specialty drinks here are more like DRANKS. High calorie, complicated, recipe-required alcoholic beverages that look like a work of art. I thought I remember them having quite an extensive drink menu, but looking at the menu online, it pales in comparison to TGIF’s selection. Maybe it varies by location? I don’t normally like spending $10 on one drink, but hey, I can live a little. I’m at JOE’S for crying out load. The waiters are wearing hula skirts and doin’ The Butt (Owww! Sexy, Sexy). I think I ordered some blue drink (just because it was blue. Damn gimmick every.freakin’.time) — pretty sure it was the Shark Bite, and I was tipsy-doodle-do after a few sips. That’s not saying much on the drink strength though. I’m a lightweight and beer battered walleye would get me feelin’ loose.   When my drink arrived, everyone in my party thought it looked wicked cool, so more Shark Bites were ordered by our crew. Gotta live every week like it’s Shark Week, I guess.

Despite this seaside shanty’s appearance of a party house for drunken beach bums, it was crawling with little kids. The outdoor playground, cheeseball decorations, and a menu made up of mostly kid-friendly seafood should’ve tipped us off, but we were pretty surprised at all the little rugrats swimming around in here. Definitely not a place for a romantic dinner.

I can’t write about Joe’s Crab Shack without mentioning the singing staff. Every 15-20 minutes, all the servers here break into a silly song and dance routine that no one pays attention to, except the kids. It’s kind of cute the first time they do it, but beyond that, it just gets annoying. Sometimes, they try to guilt-trip you into joining them. The first act, they do the Macarena. Second act is the Sprinkler. Third act, they do the Hustle. Enough already, just let me eat my soggy seafood and limp french fries!!  By the way, NEVER mention that it’s your birthday. Unless you like wearing a coconut bra and dancing in the aisles to a Jimmy Buffet song…all while a pulsating strobe light illuminates the room, making you dizzy. The free scoop of vanilla ice cream just isn’t worth it.

They also had a gift shop here, kind of like what you’d find at the Hard Rock Cafe or Margaritaville, except Joe’s totally capitalizes on the “crabs” theme. Obviously. Nothing like a little STD innuendo to whet your appetite. You can buy all kinds of shit with clever puns – like shotglasses inscribed with “Peace, Love, and Crabs” or a t-shirt that reads, “Check out my mussels.” You go Joe! I surely didn’t see those jokes coming!

The abandoned Joe's Crab Shack Playland.

The food eventually came, with our server hastily dropping our grub off at our table to go do another dance. Between the Shark Bite drinks, my fried platter, and the sand pails of crab, by the end of the night, our table looked like Jaws threw up. No one complained about the food, but no one raved about it either. Or maybe they did. I don’t know — it was so damn loud up in hurrr that I don’t think anyone in our party held a conversation beyond, “WHAT?? CAN YOU REPEAT THAT?” “OH FUCK IT, TELL ME LATER.”  We left this place with our ears ringing and our bellies full of grease. Joe’s Crab Shack was one big fishy pile of MEH…but I bet my cat would love to eat the leftovers.

That said, I can’t say I’m sad that this chain uprooted itself from Minnesota. I remember one time in 2001, when my sister came into town — we had just finished up a marathon shopping session over at Rosedale and we were looking for a place to eat. She saw Joe’s and noted the boisterous vibe, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go here again. We settled on Olive Garden. Free salad and breadsticks, yo!

If I had a choice, give me Red Lobster. At least they have the cheesy biscuits. Or just give me that filet-o-fish. Give me that fish.

Any memories of Joe’s Crab Shack? Feel free to share in the comments!

Photos taken June 2009.

Eat at Joe's

Another view of the Roseville Joe's Crab Shack

The labelscar is actually more fitting than its original lettering -- it gives it that very appropriate 'branded cow' look.

I have 3 Roseville restaurant posts coming up — I was going to put them all into one blog entry, but this Cattle Company entry got long, so I’m splitting them up. Look for a Joe’s Crab Shack and KFAN/Grumpy’s entries coming shortly. No, this blog is not turning into a restaurant review blog. These places are either closed (Cattle Company & Joe’s) or just plain cursed (Grumpy’s location). That’s why they end up on Dumpy Strip Malls, with the unflattering snapshots, and not here with the yummy food pics.

You could say this stretch of land off of Snelling Avenue is a mini Roseville Restaurant Death Row. The Cattle Company closed up shop, and Joe’s Crab Shack wasn’t far behind. But the Olive Garden and Fuddruckers are still here…so I guess my stupid joke doesn’t really work.

I chose to photograph the Roseville spots but these upcoming restaurant posts can probably be applied to any location of these restaurants. They’re chains, for crying out loud. They’re pretty much the same wherever you go. Unfortunately, with these two restaurants, you can’t eat at them in Minnesota anymore.

Well…shit.

Stuart Anderson’s Cattle Company closed all of its Minnesota locations in September 2004. I guess this chain wasn’t doing so hot here, so they bid our state happy trails and left a smattering of empty buildings that look like barns in its wake. Seems to be difficult fill these former Cattle Company locations — 5 years later, and many are still standing today. But don’t have a cow, man — Stuart Anderson’s is still operating in many states today, but under the name Black Angus Restaurant.

The satellite dish is still on the roof

When you pull up to this place, it just makes you want to start humming “Oh I’ve got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle…as they go ridin’ merrily along!” in a sing-song voice. The outside of this joint looks like a cowboy outpost and screams spittoons, spurs, and achy breaky boots. You almost feel like you should tie your horse up outside, walk bow-legged into the restaurant wearing a neckerchief, and light up a Marlboro. The logo even had a silhouette of Stuart Anderson himself panning for gold. (Yeah, I know. He’s cooking some concoction over a campfire, but in this economy, it’s the first thing that comes to mind — Mr. Anderson is obviously searching for a nice-sized bounty to bring into The Gold Guys).

When ‘ya get inside, you realize Stuart Anderson was just fuckin’ with ‘ya. This place was actually fairly trendy, almost a “business-romantic” atmosphere, as Michael Scott would say. Mood lighting, tabletop candles, a hostess in a little black dress, and piped-in Adult Contemporary music. What the hell is going on? Where’s the Minnesota’s Most Wanted posters on the wall? The Tim McGraw music? The howdy-do greeting by the hostess?

I can’t remember if they even had cowboy crap on the walls. I mean, they might’ve. I’m sure there was at least one wagon wheel nailed to the wall. How could they resist? You’d think I’d remember this a little better, being that I did eat here a fair share of times. All I know is that I didn’t feel like I was on the set of The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.

This was a reasonably-priced suburban steakhouse with decent food.  You could always find coupons in your weekly

A cow figure is branded on the side of the building.

junkmail bundle, usually enticing you with a 3-course meal for two, for about $45. It faced competition from other mid-level steak chain places in town, namely Timberlodge with its rustic hunting cabin theme, and the Outback Steakhouse. As far as the Outback Steakhouse goes, I think I’m too dense to understand what the fuck the Australian Outback has to do with steak. When I think of the Land Down Under, I don’t think of beef. I think crocodiles, kangaroos, and the Men at Work. Not bovines. Whatever. And of course, there’s Manny’s and Murray’s — the downtown, high-end/Daddy Warbucks-genre of steakhouses with a la carte pricing that give off that traditional “old boy’s club” ambiance, if you want to shell out some dough and rub elbows with Sid Hartman.

Cattle Company was in the Twin Cities for as long as I can remember. I remember my parents getting a babysitter for us kids and going here sans offspring for a nice dinner out. Most kids really don’t like steakhouses anyway. Sirloin steak topped with shoestring onions? Warm bread and whipped butter? Loaded baked potato? Sounds good now as an adult, but most kids would prefer to eat soggy pizza at Circus Circus, doggy-paddle their way through the ball crawl, and come home with the Chicken Pox.

One of my favorite things about this place is that had HUGE, comfy, private booths in little alcoves around the restaurant. The downside to these alcoves was that booths were so high, your server would often forgot someone was sitting in the booth, resulting in very slow service. It was also really dimly lit, like an underground lair or a nightclub. Lots of steakhouses do this for some reason — I’m going here to eat my steak, not to pick up a guy.  This is the Cattle Company, not Redstone!

This is a place you'd want to go when you didn't want to shell out the dough to eat at Murray's.

They did have a bar area, where that sort of shit went down. I remember a friend and I coming here to sit at the bar in 2001 to watch the World Series and two different dudes bought us a round of drinks. It seems a little odd that people would come to Cattle Company to hook up with a mate. Maybe it’s all those women with cowboy fetishes, thinking they might find a Kenny Chesney look-a-like here? I feel ‘ya — I went through that cowboy thing myself…when was when I was 16. My obsession was nipped in the bud when I saw Garth Brooks without his hat on. The closest you might get to a cowboy in here is perhaps finding a deputy sitting at the bar, enjoying a cold one after a long day of rounding up some stray cows on the county road. So, girl, if you really want that cowboy, either move to Montana or just go to the Disney store and get yourself a Woody doll.

We went to the Fridley location) for my pre-Junior prom dinner back in 1996. It was either this or the Sunshine Factory because that’s just what everyone did at my high school for prom. In the north suburbs, we really didn’t have much choice back then for nearby, high-faulting dining establishments.  I remember walking in here (decked out in my prom dress, flower corsage, and high heels) and making

Cattle Company had a really good Molten Lava Chocolate Fudge Cake!

a spectacle of myself by tripping over some extension cord taped down on the floor. Fuck, it’s no wonder that after the prom, my date just wanted to “be friends.” Technically, we are still friends. On Facebook, anyway.

[ad#Google Adsense]

I never ate at the Roseville Cattle Company — I went to the Brooklyn Park and Fridley locations. I can’t recall where BP location was (might’ve been in Brooklyn Center?), but I’m sure the building is long gone. The Fridley location (off of University Avenue, in the Cub Foods parking lot) was razed a few years ago to make way for a CVS.

This disowned parcel in Roseville was supposed to be redeveloped into a grocery store in 2007. Not sure what happened to those plans, but here we are, 2 years later, with the Cattle Company eyesore still standing proud. The Minnetonka location is still unleased as well — let the cow fun live on!

Hate the Cattle Company? Miss the Cattle Company? Did you also have your prom dinner at the Cattle Company? Leave a note in the comments!

Photos taken June 2009.

The outside of this place says, "Home on the range where the deer and the antelope play" but the inside tells a different story

The Roseville, MN Cattle Company

The indoor carousal is Maplewood Mall's most memorable feature

Welcome to the Maplewood Mall – the main enclosed traditional mall serving the East Metro area. If you haven’t been here, you’re not missing out on anything. It’s just…a mall. In a suburb in Minnesota.  It’s not as if Maplewood is headed down the road to ruin, but it just isn’t anything special. This isn’t even a ‘Dale, even though it holds its own. Then again, the “dales” just don’t give off that highfalutin’ shopping mecca vibe that they used to. Twenty years ago, shopping at the ‘dales used to MEAN something, but today, the ‘dales name is pretty much meaningless with some of the company they keep….ahem — Brookdale, I’m looking at you…and Southdale, you are next!

Maplewood Mall opened in 1974 and was renovated and expanded in 1988 . I can’t say I have any warm fuzzies about this mall.  My parents never took us here as kids, probably because it was too far away and there really isn’t anything at this mall that we couldn’t find at Brookdale.

The first time I visited this mall was in the summer of 1996. My only reason for going to this mall was simply to check it out. Wanting a reprieve from Brookdale, I drove all the way out here by myself (back then, it seemed so far away!), looking for a trendy outfit to wear for my senior pictures. I ended up buying a jean skort at the County Seat and a logo tee from The Gap. Make no mistake about it, I was a paragon of ’90s vogue. These days, I usually only go here if I have a Forever 21 jones. It’s the only location I know of, other than the Mall of America location. Being that I am 30 years old, I’m probably far out of their demographic now (*sheds tear*) but sometimes a girl just needs a cheap, ’steppin’ out on the town’ top or a Nanette Lepore knock-off. Still, I hate going in here. It’s so damn messy, chaotic and the OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ music gives me a headache. *starts waving cane again* Not to mention, their shitty return policy.

The stores here are your typical mall standbys — Victoria’s Secret, Aeropostale, Bath & Body Works, Yankee Candle, Lidz, Gap, Hallmark, Maurices, and so on. You won’t find any of the more upscale mall chains, like the Apple store,
White House/Black Market, Coach, Banana Republic, J Crew, and the like here. You’ll have to travel further down

Maplewood Mall has a sweet fleet of rentable kiddie mall cruisers. Denny Hecker's next business venture?

Highway 36 and shop at Rosedale for that.

So what’s the history behind this mediocre mall? Well, I can’t offer up much, other than regurgitating what information Wikipedia has on the history of the mall anchors –

Macy’s: This originally was Powers Dry Goods 1974,  Donaldson’s in 1985, Carson Pirie Scott in 1987, Dayton’s in 1996, Marshall Fields in 2001.

Kohls: The Kohls anchor was part of the addition in 1988. It originally was a MainStreet, but all MainStreet locations turned into Kohls in ‘88-89-ish, so it didn’t stay a MainStreet for long.

Sears: I believe this has always been a Sears.

JC Penny’s: The current JC Penny’s space was a Mervyn’s that opened in 1996, and at some point, turned into JCPenny.

As far as former non-anchor stores, all I know of are Ann Taylor and County Seat. See, what did I tell you? I’m not writin’ The Chronicles of Maplewood here. If you know somethin’, post in the comments!

Simon Properties purchased this mall in 2002 and talked about another renovation (it needs one — this mall is very darkly lit) and adding a megaplex cinema. Seven years later, there is no sign of either in sight. Simon Properties — why must you tease us so? *giggles*

Your average mall has your average issues, and Maplewood is no different. First off, the escaltor near the Victoria’s Secret always seems to be broken. Strike One.  Strike two — I find that this mall has a lot more miscreant teens loitering around than some of the other Twin Cities malls — usually blocking certain entrances doing tricks on their skateboards or hanging out near the Aladdin’s Castle arcade.

Maplewood is also home to some of the peskiest, pushiest mall market researchers known to man. Strike THREE. These survey hustlers patrol the corridor near the Payless Shoes/Orange Julius/Dairy Queen, hold their cute lil’ clipboards and hound you for a ‘minute of your time, sir.’   What exactly are they trying to learn from people shopping at the mall? People like booze, sex, and money. Voila! I just saved your company billions of dollars. No need for a market research budget.

Also, this mall has an abundance of cell phone stores & kiosks. Out of all the malls in the Twin Cities, Maplewood has the most pesky, pushy cell phone dealers EVER.  Especially The Mobile Phone Co. store, which was featured on an expose on of the local newsstation’s broadcast a few years ago, about their slimy sales tactics. When you walk by this store

Maplewood Mall -- The home of the hard-sell cell phone sales tactics

(located between Hollister and The Gap), there’s usually 2 or 3 slick-looking sales guys standing outside the store, holla-ing at everyone who walks by. These fuckers are worse than the Dead Sea Salt hawkers. No thanks, I don’t want a fucking Razr. I swear, these guys look like Jersey mobsters. I wonder if they play Mafia Wars on Facebook?  JOIN MY MAFIA?

The mix of stores here really caters to the teen shoppers. A bunch of stores here that sell cheap polyester thug-in-tha-club clothes  — Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, TwinsTown, DEB, Ragstock, Vanity, Wet Seal, Hot Topic, PacSun, Zumiez, The Edge — how many stores selling throwaway “BUY-ME-A-DRANK” skimpy party clothing does one mall need?

This could have something to do with all of the nightclubs located within walking distance from the mall.  (I know…weird, right? Get the crew all together and go tear up a club….in Maplewood ???? Hey, it must be working because there’s like three nightclubs in this area). Those hunnies at The Myth are buying their pink glitter bras and ass-cheek grazing neon orange mini skirts somewhere. And Twins Town is a great resource for the club hoppin’ fellaz — great place to get a knock-off Gucci bandanna just like Soulja Boy’s or a pair of stunna shades.

In case you’re wondering, the nightclubs in this area are –

The Myth: Supposed to be pretty “dope”.  I’m not into the club scene so I haven’t been here and probably never will. KDWB has the hots for this place — or at least they used to. It seemed like every event sponsored by this local top-40 radion station was held here.  Star Parties, Jingle Balls, that really trashy Halloween party with the human petting zoo, that Valentine’s Day lingerie costume contest…hell, at some point, they probably hosted a Booty Cruise here. It’s on a boat, I know, but they probably somehow figured out a way to do this!

Maplewood Mall offers a great selection of scene clothes for tonight's mixer at The Myth

Dive Bar: Formerly The Bird nightclub. I remember going here a few times (when it was The Bird) when KDWB hosted their Saturday Night Party Zone here. My friend Deb and I would only come here when Michael Knight was hosting because I had a mad crush on him. (good god, why am I admitting this? He wasn’t even that good looking and the dude was probably twice my age. Thinking back, Ton E Fly was probably cuter, but I had to have the hots for Michael freakin’ Knight?!) Those were the days though… Anyway, this isn’t even a real dive bar. Real dive bars don’t name themselves “Dive Bar.” Dive bars = dirty bathrooms, flies on the food, beer served out of an Igloo cooler, blood stains on the walls from the nightly fights, cracked vinyl booths with the foam poking out, and a slobbery dog behind the counter.  I’ve never been in here since the late ’90s, but I’m guessing this is not a real “dive bar.”

I think there’s another nightclub across White Bear Avenue, near that strip mall with the Old Country Buffet, but I can’t remember its name.

With all that said, Maplewood Mall does have one big redeeming factor — it has a giant carousal in the middle of the mall. You might be thinking, “Who the fuck cares? The Mall of America has Camp Snoopy-The Park at MOA-SpongebobLand feat. Dora the Explorer-Nick At Night Universe, or whatever the fuck it’s called these days — it’s a full-blown amusement park! And Maplewood has one carousal?”

But the Maplewood carousal isn’t just a place to get some cheap $2 thrills. This ride is an original Venetian double-

The Maplewood Best Buy up and left this location and moved down the road. My fond memory of this place? In 2001, a coworker set me up on a blind date. The dude took me to this Best Buy for our first date. We looked at car stereo equipment. No joke. Obviously, that first date was our last.

decker carousal from the 1800’s, with beautiful hand-painted murals. Definitely not something you’d find in your average suburban mall, or let alone any ol’ amusement park, for that matter. It’s worth checking out, if you find yourself shopping at this mall.

And this mall still has fountains. I like mall fountains. You don’t see them all that much these days.

If you have any memories to share or any information about former tenants/etc, feel free to post in the comments!

All photos taken June 2009. (I’m trying out the photo gallery feature on WordPress…so this looks a little funky. I’ll try to get it right on my next post! Sorry for the sloppiness!)