Archive for category Maple Grove

Abandoned Target Greatland Store & The Grove: Maple Grove, MN

Jul 31

Posted by dumpystripmall in Maple Grove | 12 Comments

Compared to Target's new archetectual design, the Greatland stores look pretty dated

Compared to Target's new architectural design, the Greatland stores look pretty dated

Stores come and go, such is life. You come to expect closings from nail salons, dollar stores, or lately, your neighborhood Starbucks. When that store is Target, it’s quite a surprise.

The Maple Grove Target Greatland opened in 1998 and only nine years later, shut down. If you leave it at that, it’s pretty odd. Target closing up its only store in a flourishing suburb? What’s going on here? Is this some sort of experiment by the government?

Conspiracy theorists, put away your tinfoil hats; the explanation is simple. Target wanted to compete with the nearby Wal-Mart Super Center and couldn’t do that in its current spot. Much like a growing hermit crab in search of a new shell, Target did not have enough room in the building to grow into a SuperTarget. The Greatland closed in October 2007 to move eastward into a more size-appropriate structure. Also helping coax Target into relocation was a nearby retail development called “The Grove”, a new hospital, and a Home Deport — all promising high retail traffic by an idealistic developer.

According to an article dated December 2007, the old Target store was supposed to be redeveloped into several smaller retail spaces but these plans never materialized and the building still stands empty today. What will become of this I-94 eyesore? My anticipation is growing by the day.

If you’re not familiar with this area, Target Greatland Maple Grove did not have a bad location. With a Rainbow Foods next door, a Wal-Mart/Sam’s Club/Menards across the street, and an adjacent strip mall, there’s a considerable amount of traffic in this area. While it might be a bit out of the way from the bustling Arbor Lakes area, this seems like a great location. Maple Grove isn’t all about Arbor Lakes, you know . Isn’t it all about location, location, location?

When the Maple Grove store opened in 1998, Target had no plans on putting SuperTargets in Minnesota. Target was hell-bent to continue opening regular stores and Greatlands in the late ’90s/early ’00s, which resulted in a lot of remodeling projects later this decade. In the ’90s, the concept of a SuperTarget was puzzling to most Minnesotans. A store where you could buy baby wipes, Nair, Honors sweatpants, Mossimo flip flops, ground beef, a bag of apples, and a jug of orange juice— all in the same trip? Blasphemy!

In 1997, some of my geeky Target friends and I took a ROAD TRIP to Des Moines, Iowa for the sole purpose of going to Super Target. We took pictures, toured the store, and shook hands with the manager — it wasn’t even a work-sanctioned trip! We just wanted the chance to buy sunglasses, mascara, and grapes and have it all on the same receipt. Yes, I was that much of a nerd. A Super Target as a tourist attraction is laughable now (fuck, I shop there 3+ times/week now), but back then, Target-as-a-Grocery-Store concept was full of mystique and wonder. To me, anyway. Why am I admitting this? Fuck.

The hustle & bustle of the area

What’s so great about a Greatland? Well, not much. The Greatland stores were larger than your traditional Targets and carried a bigger selection of goods. That’s pretty much it. They did not carry a full line of groceries. They did sell a good amount of junk food, a sparse selection of canned goods, boxed dinner mixes, and cereal. You know, the kind of hoard-able food with a long shelf-life you could keep on-hand in case of Armageddon, like some screwball cat lady.

As I’ve mentioned before, Target no longer opens new stores under the “Greatland” name — it’s either a SuperTarget or a regular Target. With the uptrend in opening new (or remodoling old stores into) SuperTargets and stocking regular stores with more grocery goods, Greatlands are no longer relevand and have gone the way of the pager, WebRings, and Limp Bizkit, although there are still Target Greatland stores out there.

Today, the Maple Grove SuperTarget is up and running in its new location, right next door to a closed Slumberland store. No surpise there. Home Depot and Office Max are also in this area and both sport empty parking lots, even during prime shopping hours.

Just what Maple Grove needs...MORE STORES

The Grove looks like a ghost town — over 75% of the store fronts are empty. The stores that are there aren’t anything to write home about — Great Clips, Chipotle, and a Subway. So much for all that high traffic, huh? The whole area is kind of spooky. It’s neatly landscaped, lots of park benches, hanging geranium baskets, dancing fountains, pewter statues of kids playing leapfrog…but there’s no one around to enjoy any of it. If it weren’t for the gurgling fountains and the occasional giggle from customers eating burritos at Chipotle’s outdoor patio, the area would be completely silent.

One of my readers had this to say regarding this entire area in the comments of the Coon Rapids abandoned Target store post:

The new digs

“Target in MG closed west of 94 because Ryan(the developer) promised them prime site and new Arbor Lakes storefronts along with a hospital to get them to move east of 94. It will be a big deal and good location once the hospital gets going in Dec 2009. However, the economy has changed the face of real estate (especially retail) for the next five to seven years — it takes that long to plan, permit develop and build-out centers… Big box Slumberland has already opened and closed at “The Grove”. The ghostly empty storefronts are just an indication of too many retail stores and an exhausted consumer.”

Thank you, Mike!

Will anything become of The Grove or was this just a pie-in-the-sky daydream by a starry-eyed developer? If anything, I suppose we can expect a bunch of smoke shops, perfumeries, a cheap buffet restaurant, and a DEB to move in soon.

Photos taken June 2009

Tags: abandoned buildings, Target

Baker's Square: Maple Grove, MN

Jun 30

Posted by dumpystripmall in Maple Grove | 15 Comments

Like Grandma always said, “Keep your fork, there’s pie!”

Okay, so that’s not the official slogan of Baker’s Square — it’s “Come for the food, stay for the pie”. Close enough though. Personally, I’d rather just come for that 3,000-calorie slice of pie & scoop of ice cream that will surely lead me down the path of bedridden obesity, and pass on the food, but that’s just me.

Keep your fork, there's pie!

Welcome to Baker’s Square, a restaurant chain serving all-day breakfast entrees, inoffensive continental cuisine, burnt coffee, and sweets that go straight to your ass. And lots and lots of French Silk Pie.

The Baker’s Square restaurant chain is still alive ‘n kickin’ in Minnesota, but only a handful of locations remain. Many locations, including Maple Grove, were wiped out in the Great Bakers Square-icide of April 2008. (Those locations were Plymouth, St. Anthony, Maplewood, Minnetonka, Burnsville, one in Minneapolis, and one in St. Paul).

Bakers Square closed early, probably keeping a lot of riff-raff out of the restaurant

Okay, so a random chain restaurant closes in the suburbs — big whoop, right? Yeah, I know…not very interesting. But by golly, I just like taking pictures of abandoned buildings and writing blog posts about said abandoned building. I’m no photographer (as evidenced by the shitty photos on this blog), so I’m not going with an artsy angle here. Just a post about a ho-hum suburban chain restaurant that I haven’t eaten at in years. I can’t really say I’m shedding tears over this one.

I’m sure Grandma is though!

Baker’s Square is the local elderly hangout. Whether it’s a gathering place to shoot the shit before hitting up the Kohls Early Bird specials, or the spot of a Grand Casino after-party, Midwestern old fogies love this place, my grandma included. When my parents would take us to Grandma’s house, Grandma would always want to come here. She’d gather up her pie tins (grandma always saved the pie tins. She’d get a whole quarter every time we’d go here), and squeal, “POPPIN’ FRESH!!! POPPIN’ FRESH!!! POPPIN’ FRESH!!” (even though this place dropped the Poppin’ Fresh name years ago) and would practically wet herself on the drive over, just thinking of the pies.

Bakers Square

Prior to 1983, Baker’s Square was known as Poppin’ Fresh. You’d think that after all this time, people would call this place by its correct name, but no. The elderly crowd this place caters to keeps the Poppin’ Fresh name alive. Oh fiddlesticks, I shouldn’t talk — I’m sure in 30 years, some young whippersnapper will poke fun at me for calling US Bank “First Bank” and referring to Macy’s as Daytons and saying stuff like, “Back in my day, Wells Fargo was Norwest Bank!!! Their logo was a giant green “N”!!!” *waves cane*

Most of the Baker’s Square locations are or were in need of a major renovation. It looked like you were dining at Grandma’s house, with the fluffy window valances, stain-concealing carpet, country floral wallpaper and matching border, all in the Baker’s Square-signature cranberry red and seagrass green color accents. Ho-hum.

You can still see the decor through the window

The food wasn’t anything to write home about either, but your Grandma probably raves about it. Lackluster comfort food and an anytime-breakfast menu is how Baker’s Square rolls — it’s the stuff you crave when it’s 2 below and you want to eat something that requires elastic waist pants (luckily, most of their regulars are people who already rock the elastic waist pants, so no wardrobe change is necessary for most patrons). The elderly-friendly menu consists of breaded chicken patties, BLTs, meatloaf, onion rings, chicken fried steak, rice pudding, pot pies– all assuring that critical bowel movement later on in the day.

So yeah — starchy, simple meals that can be gummed easily by Grandpa. And pie. Can’t forgot that pie. But really, when do you ever eat a meal at Baker’s Square? I honestly can’t remember the last time I ate here. My friends and I used to rock Perkins or Denny’s HARRRDD when we were in high school. But Bakers Square closed at like 10 or 11PM — far too early for our 1AM dinner parties, so they lost out on the teen demographic and just went after Grandma. Too bad — we’d eat ourselves sick at these places, running up a huge tab chowing down high fat trucker-style breakfast food and greasy appetizer samplers right before going to bed. How I escaped my teenage years without blowing up like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon is beyond me.

The free WiFi (Wi-Pie. I stand corrected) gives Grandma another opportunity to check her email and clog your inbox with more chain-letter email forwards.

I used to come here to pick up a pie to bring up to my parents’ house for Christmas dinner. Baker’s Square took holidays seriously. On any major pie holiday (Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas), they’d have a pie hostess sitting at a card table in the lobby, taking orders and giving you a slip of paper to claim your pie. She’d pass on your order to some hotshot manager wearing a headset and he’d fetch your pie from the fridge, and update the inventory tally. It was quite the production! With the Maple Grove Baker’s Square location closed, our Christmas dinner will forever be without a Baker’s Square pie but really, with a little effort, you could probably make a better pie at home. Especially the French Silk — probably Baker’s Square’s most popular pie.

French Silk Pie is not that difficult to make. Buy a pie crust at Cub, whip up some instant Jell-O chocolate pudding, pour into the crust, and cover in Redi-Whip. Done and DONE. If you’re feeling really adventurous, toss a Hershey’s bar in the SlapChop and sprinkle the shavings on top. Want to make the Candy Cane Christmas pie? Follow the same steps for the French Silk pie, and cut up some candy canes. BINGO – Christmas Pie!

I do miss the Fresh Strawberry pie (seasonal). That fucker was a pie I’d die for.

And I’m willing to bet the Baker’s Square pies were not made fresh, on-site. Probably trucked in from Jersey or something.

I’m not sure if Baker’s Square will last in Minnesota — with all the recent closings, it doesn’t look good. All of these breakfast places pretty much offer the same thing, but I think Perkins does it best. They’re open 24/7 AND they have a wishing well. (just don’t go there on the “Kids Eat Free Tuesdays” — the entire restaurant turns into one loud juice box-flingin’ family section). Denny’s had the silly-named menu items but other than that, it doesn’t do much for me.

And Bakers Square has the pie.

So keep your fork.

Photos taken June 2009

Baker's Square

Tags: abandoned buildings, chain restaurants, dessert, grandma, pie, restaurants

The Shoppes at Arbor Lakes: Maple Grove, MN

Apr 30

Posted by dumpystripmall in Maple Grove | 7 Comments

Shop and eat. Shop and eat. Shop and eat. Thousands of years from now, anthropologists will study the ruins of the this land

Arbor Lakes

and wonder if all its denizens did was buy shit and stuff their face. Maple Grove’s retail area is obnoxiously huge — acres and acres of parking lots, big box stores, and pretty much every chain restaurant known to man. Except the Cheesecake Factory. Maple Grove needs a Cheesecake Factory.

Where can one find this shopping district? Why, just hop on I-94 Westbound and let the Great River Energy Wind Turbine guide you to the land of impulse shopping bliss.

There are so many shops and restaurants up in the Grove that if you’re not completely familiar with the area, you can feel very overwhelmed. So many of the shops are hidden in different nooks, crannies, and “pedestrian-friendly” streets that trying to find the Jimmy John’s can potentially waste a tank of gas. I live around in this area, so I do come here often, and I STILL get lost.

Some people say that Maple Grove is a soul-sucking suburb with massive shopping sprawl. It’s suburbia on CRACK — a boring, stagnant, nosey, do-goody, community-based, suburban nightmare. Pretentious hipsters LOVE to rag on this place – it’s “vanilla”, it’s in the suburbs, there are chain stores far as the eyes can see, there’s a fucking TGIFriday’s, etc, etc, etc (but we all know they’re secretly shopping at PacSun and Zumiez when they think no one is looking).

But hey, I’m not afraid to admit it – I like this place. I’ll go here to shop and eat, shop and eat, and shop and eat myself, until I’m Pittsburgh Blue in the face.

That said, Arbor Lakes and the surrounding shopping areas deserve a little mocking.

Enclosed malls are oh-so 20th Century. The new trend is the open-air “lifestyle center” which basically is an enclosed mall but without the pesky amenities that the mall ownership has to provide, like a comfortable indoor temperature, janitors, security on segways, an information desk, etc. Just smear out a shitload of concrete, plant a few undersized trees & wee seedlings, add some parking spaces for the “convenience” and then let Mother Nature be your custodial crew!

According to the Wikipedia entry, construction began in 1998, and was completed in 2003 (5 years seems like an awfully long time to build a shopping area to me, but yep, I can definitely remember it being built in the late ’90s). I imagine this entire area was a big field or gravel pits before construction began.

There are 3 of these separately-named “Lifestyle Center” shopping areas, though they all kind of run into one big massive, sprawling shopping area in my head. It’s tough to distinguish which is which, (and I really don’t think anyone cares!) but this is how *I* break it down.

Main Street Maple Grove : Maple Grove is fucking with your head here. This is that area across Hemlock Lane that looks like downtown in a small, midwestern city. Oh how clever, right? We haven’t seen THAT done before. It’s supposed to make you think you’re in a one-horse town in Central Minnesota. But instead of Rexall Drug and Hardware Hank, there’s a Chico’s and an Ann Taylor Loft, both of which you wouldn’t find in, say, Randall, Minnesota.

This is also where Bylerys and Party City are located, as well as a few restaurants such as Buca and The Claddaugh, (the latter is one of those restaurants that foil you into thinking you’ve found a unique local hole-in-the-wall, but it’s really a chain). Remember, you’re in Maple Grove, Chain HQ of the Twin Cities Metro Area.

Fountains at Arbor Lakes: This is where REI, Dave & Buster’s, DSW, the old Circuit City, Costco, the Running Room, etc are located. I’m still looking for these “fountains”…perhaps they are talking about the drinking fountains?

Then, there’s The Shoppes at Arbor Lakes, where Dumpy Strip Malls took most of the photos.

First off, MISLEADING NAME. Arbor Lakes? I don’t see a lake (though I’ve heard there *IS* an actual lake up in the ‘Grove named “Arbor”, but I don’t know where this mystery lake is. If it’s near the shopping center, it’s probably more akin to a storm run-off drain than a beautiful freshwater lagoon, but I digress), and there isn’t a whole lot of arbor. The imposing Maple Grove skyline consists of a lot of sand & gravel foothills, rouge dumptrucks, and gigantic tumbleweeds blowing about. Come here in the summer and you’d swear you were in a Nevada desert anticipating a wild-west shootout, not in a soul-sucking Minneapolis suburb with every chain restaurant known to man.

Every store here is filled with control-freak soccer moms & their SUV-sized strollers or swarms of teens (OMG!!!) shopping at Hollister, blowing up daddy’s credit card. The “shoppes” here are supposed to be “upscale” but I really don’t see anything here that I can’t find at any other generic mall. There’s a Bath & Body Works, Express, Gap, The Buckle, Ulta, J Crew, Hollister, Talbots, Borders (to name a few) — so yeah, your typical mall fare. However, since all of the stores are designed to look like small town “shoppes” with outdoor-facing enterances, AND there is a nearby California Pizza Kitchen and PF Chang’s, it immediately makes stores like Yankee Candle ‘upscale.’ I suppose if Payless Shoes, Fashion Bug, or DEB wanted to set up shop over in the former Sharper Image store, then we’d have problems.

From the outside, the Arbor Lakes area of Maple Grove seems like a happenin’ place, immune to the shitty economy. It’s still a “happenin’” place, but there have been some store closings. A few off the top of my head are -
The Sharper Image
Cost Plus World Market
Some frou-frou Paris Hilton-style pet clothing store
Krispy Kreme (now being turned into a bank)
Joe’s Crab Shack
…and I’m sure there are more.

Local boutiques are few and far between here because the rent is sky-high…I actually know this first-hand. In 2006, I looked into opening a business of my own over in the “Main Street” shopping area. Yeah, not happenin’.

In the summer, this is a great place to shop. Minnesota summers are beautiful, so it’s nice that they made this place pedestrian-friendly and walkable. When the cold hits, it’s a bitch. I don’t care how many cheery, peppy Miley Cyrus/Jonas Brothers songs they pump through the hidden speakers, it isn’t going to cheer me up in -30 degree weather. Shopping at this outdoor mall in Minnesota just isn’t fun in the middle of January, so I’ll usually avoid this place and go to an indoor mall instead to be warm and cozy.

All in all, Arbor Lakes is a very successful retail center – who says decent, thriving retail can’t exist in the north metro?!

All photos taken Feb. 2009

FYI – I apologize for the lack of updates. My computer crashed on me about a month ago, and I lost most of my work, as well as lots of photos I had taken. I bought a new MacBook last week, so I’ll be back posting updates.

Information to add? Discuss in the comments!

Welcome to Arbor Lakes!

Ultimate Electronics...I wonder what the over/under in Vegas is on this place going out of business within the next year?

Granite City. Yes, it is a chain. Try their chalupas!

IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHUDDA PUTTA RING ON IT

I can't really explain why, but I've never liked Borders. I'd rather go to Half Price Books or B&N. Borders reminds me of Media Play. Remember that store?!

The only good thing Houlihan's has going for it is their HUGE Long Island Iced Teas.

Wanna get shit-faced up in the Grove? Houlihan's has HUGE Long Island Iced Teas that will knock you out cold.

I took a picture of this because I really want that cute pink pineapple candle

A few of the Shoppes, including The Buckle, a typical overpriced midwestern mall store.

Le Gourmet Chef is just one of the yuppie-targeted stores

Note to FASHION-FORWARD ladies - Arbor Lakes has a Coldwater Creek!

Christmas lights? STILL? This photo was taken a good 2 months after the holiday

What this place needs is more chain stores and restaurants.

"Inside" of Arbor Lakes

Don't test too many of these scents on your skin at the same time. I did this once, and I walked out of Bath & Body Works smelling like a burning computer.

Speaking of burning, the Ulta store smells like melting makeup

A sale like this would make our founding fathers PROUD.

J CRACK, my favorite store.

Another view of Arbor Lakes

Ugly cardigan @ Express. Sad thing is, I kind of like it. I would totally wear something like this.

Tags: Bath and Body Works, chain restaurants, Express, lifestyle center, suburbs, windmills

Krispy Kreme: Maple Grove, MN

Feb 13

Posted by dumpystripmall in Maple Grove | 13 Comments

Who likes a little DRAMA with their donuts? Minnesotans, that’s who!

The first Krispy Kreme retail location opened in Maple Grove in April 2002 with major fanfare and a media shitstorm. And

Krispy Kreme's conveyer-belt donuts couldn't even last a decade in Minnesota

in February 2008, it went out with less than a whimper.

When the Krispy Kreme opened in Maple Grove, there was an incredible amount of commotion. I guess it set a KK store opening record. Hundreds of people camped outside the Krispy Kreme for several days, all local news stations were there doing live reporting from the scene, and they had policemen directing traffic in the area. There were even ad hoc donut tycoons selling boxes of Krispy Kremes on street corners for profit! The congested traffic and long lines went on for months.

Yeah, all of this ballyhoo over hot donuts. Nutrition was officially dead in 2002; long live rotted pancreases, kidneys, and livers!

Ahh, it was such a simpler time back then. In those days, our biggest worry was timing a visit to Krispy Kreme to get there right when the blinking light goes off. These days, it’s all about the unemployment rate, the in-the-crapper economy, and poisoned peanut butter. These days, no one’s going to play hooky at work to camp out for donuts – ‘cuz if you have a job, you do whatever you can to keep it. (By the way, if you think I’m going to knock on those folks to pitched tents outside of Krispy Kreme, or the donut entrepreneurs who flipped donuts on the black market, you’re wrong. I’m not one to talk. I’m one of those jokers who camped outside of Target for 2 days for a Playstation 3, hoping to make beaucoup bucks on eBay, only to sell it at a loss.)

The Krispy Kreme phenomenon only lasted for six years in Minnesota. Krispy Kreme Minnesota locations began closing in the summer of 2007. The Maple Grove location was the last one standing, and it didn’t last much longer, closing its doors in February 2008. Today, the Krispy Kreme building is empty.

I never understood why people were so krazy about those things. I’d hear the excuse that you have to get them while they’re hot, but when you fry up some shortening and dough, anything will taste good hot. I tried ‘em hot and still didn’t get the hype. All it was, was a warm donut. Big whoop. I could emulate the same thing myself in the microwave.

Krispy Kreme’s major fault was they grew so fast that they over saturated the market with their product. In a few short months, KK’s were in every grocery store and every Target in the state. I think everyone in Minnesota pretty much OD’d on donuts.

My first encounter with Krispy Kreme was in October 2001, before Minnesota even had a Krispy Kreme “restaurant.” I was working at Target HQ and Target struck some sort of deal with this particular donut shop to stock these things in their stores. Prior to this, I had never heard of such a place. To celebrate this event, all HQ employees were entitled to a free box of Krispy Kreme glazed donuts down in the lobby. I swear to God, my coworkers were going apeshit over this stuff. Our weekly team meeting fell on this same morning during which the donuts were given away, and my manager canceled the meeting so we could all could queue for the free donuts AND have time to sit down and enjoy them.

Now, I’m not much of a donut fan – I’ll eat them, but I don’t get cravings for them (that’s because I eat DANGER for breakfast, not Bavarian Cremes). But because there was so much emotion and fervor over these pastries, curiosity got the best of me, and I found myself taking the elevator down to the lobby to pick up my complementary donuts.

The donuts were handed to me in a green & white polka dotted box with a Krispy Kreme logo that looked so retro, I started to yearn for those simpler times of sock hops, poodle skirts, and Dick & Jane readers. Hey, whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy…evening TV?!

Krispy Kreme has been closed for a year now, but someone is still using their dumpster

I hopped back on the elevator, holding my box of donuts, wondering, “How can CREAM be CRISPY?” I was perplexed. Is that even scientifically possible? The anticipation grew after every floor the elevator passed.

I thought to myself, “I bet these donuts have some sort of crispy outer shell, yet are creamy on the inside…oooh, that sounds positively divine!” By the time I was back at my desk, I was practically having heart palpitations over my thoughts of the sugary consumables inside the polka dotted box.

I opened up the box, expecting these donuts to blow me away. Instead, I ended up being more disappointed than I was after seeing Jurassic Park III a few months earlier. Staring up at me were twelve generic-looking glazed donuts and a puddle of grease pooling on the bottom of the box.

“These look just like the ones from SuperAmerica,” I thought. I picked up the donut and immediately wished I had swiped some napkins from the cafeteria. It was incredibly sticky, almost too sticky to hold. I eagerly took a bite of the donut, hoping to have a near orgasm.

I was incredibly disappointed. It wasn’t crispy and it sure as hell wasn’t creamy. It was simply a sickeningly sweet glazed donut and nothing more. I could feel my pancreas seizing up from trying to fight the sugar and I swore I saw a spare tire forming over my waistband as the donut slid down my gullet.

“Good thing I wore my fat pants today,” I thought. I finished the donut sans orgasm, and stared at the remaining 11 police officer energy rings in the box. No way in hell was I ever going to eat all those damn donuts. I wiped my sticky-donut-residue-covered fingers on my fat pants and offered up the Kremey Krispies to Bob, my cube neighbor.

“What?! You don’t like Krispy Kremes?”

“Errr…well, I tried one, and it’s just a glazed donut.”

“But you gotta try them hot!” Bob insisted.

“Oh yeah, I’ll have to do that. I’m not really a fan of donuts though.”

Poor Bob. His eyes grew wide and he started to stutter. “But! But! You’re a member of the DONUT club?! And you *gasp* don’t like DONUTS?”

You're going to have to find somewhere else to have a heart-attack.

Oooh BUSTED!

Eek. Time for a little backpeddling. “Well…errr…I mean, I like donuts, I’m just not in the mood for them today.”

There. Face = SAVED.

I should back up. I failed to mention that during my time at Target, I belonged to this exclusive clique- the DONUT CLUB. (Or as I liked to childishly call it (in my head) – the Donut “Fattening” Club).

Oooh. A donut h8ter in the Donut Club. Did I live on the edge or WHAT?

I joined the Donut Club out of obligation. This was my first job out of college, so I wanted to “network” and try to fit in with my much older colleagues.

The rules of the donut club were that you had to bring 2 dozen donuts of a mixed variety on Thursday morning when it was your turn. The donuts were to arrive no later than 7:45AM, as the donut club “met” at 8am in the conference room on our floor. Under no circumstances were you to substitute bagels for donuts.

I wasn’t a donut fan, but I joined this donut brotherhood because I figured it’s a good way to get to know everyone — and one donut per week won’t kill me, it’ll just make me feel bloated for a while. I just had to remember to wear those fat pants on Thursdays.

Once Krispy Kreme opened, the hype spilled over to our Donut Club. The rules were amended. If you lived anywhere NEAR a Krispy Kreme, you were to bring Krispy Kreme donuts. I was 4th on the list after the rules were amended and so far, everyone had brought in Krispy Kreme donuts.

The closest Krispy Kreme to me was the one in Maple Grove, but it was quite a bit out of the way. It wasn’t exactly en route to downtown Minneapolis.

Screw that. I was willing to suffer the consequences. The little girl lowest on the corporate ladder was about to break Donut Club Rules of Conduct. This is Minnesota though – and donuts ‘n drama go hand-in-hand.

If I ate a donut here, I wouldn't go to sleep for a few days

I ended up buying a box of Cub Foods donuts. I set them on the conference room table, stood back, and let the sparks fly. I had roughly 30 coworkers who were all foaming at the mouth for Krispy Kremes and I had to go & bring generic grocery store pastries. Not exactly a way to win friends and influence people, but fuck if I’m driving all the way out to Maple Grove.

I got out of the meeting without any bruises, but I did overhear several snotty remarks about no Krispy Kremes. I half expected to be discharged from the Donut Club after that, but no. My coworkers weren’t quite that radical.

So, back to Bob. By noon, he had polished off his entire dozen, plus 3 more out of my box. Oink, oink, indeed! Later in the afternoon, I overheard him whining to a few other people, (while shoving another one down his throat), about the donuts not being hot off the conveyor belt. Fuck, dude, they’re FREE. Whatchu complainin’ about?

Today, there is no national donut chain in Minnesota. If you want donuts, you’ll find them at a mom & pop bakery or Cub or Rainbow. However, Dunkin’ Donuts is coming back to the state soon, within the next few years. And you know what, it’s probably going to open with the same fanfare Krispy Kreme did. Lines around the block, community service officers directing traffic, lead story on the 10pm news. What I wonder is, why couldn’t we support the chain when it was here the first time? Because, 10 years ago, the only way Dunkin Donuts could get people to queue up is if they would’ve put opium in their donuts.

The Krispy Kreme drive-thru was once a center of complete chaos. Now it stands empty.

Everyone in Minnesota is clamoring for Dunkin’ Donuts and waxing poetic on how much they miss the place. How the donuts are spectaular and the coffee is to-die-for. The ones I like to laugh at are those fools who claim they just go there for the coffee, not the donuts. Yeah, right. Those are the same people who profess that they go to Hooters just for the wings.

I didn’t mind Dunkin’ Donuts, probably because I’m more of a cake donut fan myself. Dunkin Donuts have SUBSTANCE. You can actually chew them. . Krispy Kremes are mostly air and glaze and turn to mush when you pop them in your mouth. That’s great for Grandpa, but I still have my teeth and I want to use them. You see, if you mushed up a Krispy Kreme in your hand, it would be about the size of a marble. You can’t do that with a Dunkin’.

In KK’s defense, Dunkin’ Donuts are really tiny. Tiny, girly, wee little donuts – not suitable for a real man. You have to eat three of the damn things, when just one Krispy Kreme would’ve done the trick.

A blog post about donuts just isn’t complete without a police officer joke. So I’ll wrap up this long-winded post with my favorite joke:

How am I going to get my fried goo and lard these days?

A policeman pulls a guy over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are quite bloodshot. Have you been drinking?” The man gets really angry and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

All photos taken Feb. 2009

Tags: corporate culture, donuts, Dunkin Donuts, fast food, fat pants, Krispy Kreme, restaurants, Target

A tongue-in-cheek look at Minnesotas dead malls and other retail establishments

Archive for category Maple Grove

Abandoned Target Greatland Store & The Grove: Maple Grove, MN

Baker's Square: Maple Grove, MN

The Shoppes at Arbor Lakes: Maple Grove, MN

Krispy Kreme: Maple Grove, MN

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