Bob for treasure inside the Ax-Man Surplus store
If you’re the kind of person who’s ever wanted a metal detector for Christmas, this is the store for you. AxMan is just all kinds of awesome. So awesome that it deserves its own entry. If you’re not familiar with the Ax-Man, it’s the brick ‘n mortar version of RANDOM. It’s the perfect place to complete your Halloween costume, get stuff for your kid’s elementary school science fair diorama, replace a bulb on a string of Christmas lights, AND has everything you need to start your own home meth lab. ALL UNDER ONE ROOF! How many stores can attest to THAT?
There are 3 locations in the Twin Cities (St. Louis Park, St. Paul, and Fridley).
Correction/update: 12.17.08 – A helpful reader informed me that there is a new AxMax location in Crystal.
Dumpy Strip Malls visited the Fridley store. The Fridley store is located in Moore Lake Commons, a pretty boring strip mall, if it weren’t for the Ax-Man. Well…there’s a Fantasy Gifts here too (think SexWorld for the Suburbs). Oh, and there’s a Subway.
5 dollar. 5 dollar. 5 dollar footlongs.
So I guess Moore Lake Commons is not all that boring.
Heh. Anyway…
So, by now you get the idea that the AxMan isn’t a dollar store and it isn’t a thrift store. It’s a surplus store – they sell
Perfect gift for the kid who loves playing in traffic!
shit no one else will. Their inventory changes almost every day, so there’s always new gems to find. If a business had a fire sale, AxMan’s the kind of place that would buy all of the leftover shit no one wanted. Sure, it might be a little cluttered and messy in here, but unlike the thrift store, AxMan is a HAPPY place. Their employees have a sense of humor and write funny little descriptions on the placecards near each product. Thrift stores, on the other hand, are are downright depressing. The Goodwill always smells like mothballs and the second-hand merchandise is strewn about the store. Dirty, discarded playthings, pilly sweaters, Happy Meal action figures from 1994, endless copies of “The Superbowl Shuffle” on cassette, moth-mauled scarves, and so on. And their pricing is ridiculous! Last time I was there, they were trying to sell a plain T-shirt from The Gap for $6.99! Fuck, who are they trying to kid? I can go to Rosedale and buy a brand new one cheaper. It’s a complete buzzkill. The most depressing part of going to a thrift store is checking out the clothes and finding a label inside a sweater with a “Made with Care from Grandma” tag. Poor Grandma. If only she knew that the sweater she made with LOVE and CARE would end up thrown in a thrift store
donation bag a few years later.
Oh. Right. Ax-Man Surplus store. I’m right on it!
The Ax-Man’s a triple threat: You’ll laugh (at the funny signs), you’ll cry (after seeing naked doll butts), and you’re going to find shit to buy that you just don’t need. But that’s okay! It’s the Ax-Man — it’s cheap enough that you don’t feel bad about it. No buyers remorse here! So if your husband tells you he’s going to the Ax-Man, don’t fret. He won’t blow your life savings like he might at Home Depot. Hell, go with him! Seriously. Cuz you’ll find something you’ll like there, too.
EVERYONE can find something at the Ax-Man. I do mean EVERYONE.
Wires for Darryl, the DIY fixit dude.
Rubber rats for Perry the Prankster.
Colored pencils for Ariel the Artist.
Playboy bunny logo party cups for Todd the Tomcat.
Engine parts for George the Gear Head.
Yellow felt for Sally the Seamstress.
Grow lights for Persephone the Pot Farmer.
Beakers for Bill Nye, the science guy.
and plastic beads for Tom Shane.
Ah HA! So this is the little fucker I saw hiding in the bushes last night! I'm warning you, if it happens again, I am calling the cops!
I challenge you to walk out of this store empty-handed! It just won’t happen. Their sociopath mascot won’t let it.
The AxMan has a murderous minion of a mascot. This wee little man looks like mini-me, but instead of wearing dapper gray suit & tie, he’s decked out in a ski mask and casually carries around an axe.
Sure, he might have a friendly smirk on that face, but we know better. Behind that passive-aggressive smile is a little demonboy. Leave here empty-handed and he might pull a “Jack Nicholson in The Shining” and do a 1-8-7 on yer ass. Remember – this cute munchkin is carrying a fucking axe, people. Be careful.
Yep, our little AxMan makes the Candyman look like a pussy.
Anyway, I have no idea what half this stuff here is for – lots of aisles with wires, metal wheels, latex tubing, plastic discs, and other various industrial do-dads. It looks like leftover toxic waste from 3-Mile Island. They have an aisle devoted to craft items like googley-eyes and rubber stamps and another section with a bunch of plastic toys kids will choke on. Another row had plastic syringes, medical tape, and enough beakers to make a witch doctor blush. I saw an entire section with all different kinds of lightbulbs – Christmas lights, black lights, strobe lights, etc. There IS a way to bring the disco home!
Most of this stuff in here could be fed to a junkyard dog, yet I find it completely amazing. How I’ve lived for so long without most of this stuff is beyond me.
Everything in this place is just so random and senseless. A rat window decal. Plastic VHS cases. Abe Lincoln gift bags. A toothbrush that gives a shout out to the Mesozoic era. Backpacks with the phrase “Arby’s 5-for-5″ embroidered on the pouch. Jars of colorful marbles. Pencil eraser heads. Pure mayhem, I tell you.
This store is truly a treasure, and if you have a little time to spare, I highly recommend paying a visit.
Go ahead and treat yourself to something nice!
- This stuff would be a great snack for my friend’s pet bunny, whose main diet consists of printer insides, ipod headphone cords, and telephone wire
Check this out - nothing says "Happy Birthday" like a drug company promotional swag bag with Abe Lincoln plastered on the front.
This is what happens to the dolls who get voted off the Island of Misfit toys
If that Caveman show on ABC wouldn't have been canceled, I don't think these guys would be in an AxMan bin for 95 cents
A rat decal on your car window will make even a Dodge Neon look fucking HARD CORE.
Guys! Here's a piece of advice: Drape yourself in this gorg fabric, hit the clubs, get piss ass drunk, and holla at some ladies. You WILL get laid.
You could really punk someone with this stuff. Why should Ashton Kutcher have all the fun?
Halloween was 2 months ago, but that doesn't stop the AxMan from peddling pumpkin pencils and Frankenstein gift bag.
Okay, I could make a Snakes on a Plane joke, but I just don't have the energy.
Secretly, everyone wants to be Conan the Barbarian, hiking in the wilderness, and cooking wild animals. This floozy looks like she's living the dream, wearing an outdoorsy ensemble with the swank panache only an outfit from Ax-Man can provide.
THIS is why you go to AxMan - where else can you see a gallopping merry-go-round horse hanging from the ceiling?
Hmm...A dinosaur toothbrush? Makes sense. T-Rex had to have some pretty strong & healthy teeth to gnaw on a straight diet of Stegosauruses and Triceratops.
Hitler hats, anyone? Dick Enrico could've used these for his commercials to add a touch of authenticity.
All photos taken December 2008.
#1 by The Old Scowl on December 16, 2008 - 7:32 pm
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NEWS FLASH! Axman Surplus has a 4th location!
Yes! To all the north and west metro suburban consumers there is a new retail store in lovely Crystal, Minnesota, just a couple of miles down the road (west on Bass Lake Road) from Brookdale Center! It is right next to the Half Price Books and pretty close to another Fantasy Gifts store as well (must be a symbiotic relationship between the two).
Axman Surplus is, no doubt in my mind, THE alpha and omega for the MacGuyvers of this world. This is where flying rocket Ipod brain synthesizer ID curing recreational implant inventors will find the necessary parts to bring this nation out of its economic woes.
Another wonderful surplus store of the past was Crazy Louie’s in St. Paul on University Avenue, east of the AxeMan location. Crazy Louie’s was AxeMan on Equine Steroids and 95% percent pure Bolivian marching powder. The signs were there too, but Louie had displays and merchandise that boggled the mind. A Rolls Royce and a Bentley tucked in back, giant classroom mockups of machine guns (the Army mind you, not PS 285), and other items that have faded from my memory. A Willy Wonka chocolate factory for dweebs and pre-computer engineering geeks.
#2 by The Old Scowl on December 21, 2008 - 1:00 am
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I must add that for the weirdness factor one of the Axeman stores (likely St. Paul’s) had an old school iron lung in the back that served as a sort of terrarium for a species of creature whose name is forgotten but appearance is more than coincidentally similar to the Smurfs characters, which a sign described of in detail. This is the type of Iron Lung that would only be seen in the movie ‘The Big Lebowski’, which the character Arthur Digby Sellers was in when the Dude and Walter Sobchek visited Mr. Sellers and his miscreant son regarding the Dude’s stolen car and a supposed briefcase of ransom money. Perhaps the Coen brothers received their inspiration for that from that Axeman store. I initially thought that it was in Crazy Louie’s but was corrected.
#3 by Disco Studd on January 15, 2009 - 5:06 am
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Did I mention before that this site hits me waaaay too close to home? I shit you not, my wife’s sister is the manager of the OCB in Holly Center!
Is it really just a small world after all, or do I seriously need to get a life? Probably both.
And to the Old Scowl: “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU F*%^ A STRANGER IN THE @$$, LARRY!” I wonder if there’s an Ax-Man over by the In-N-Out Burger? LOL…
#4 by dumpystripmalls on January 15, 2009 - 9:27 am
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Ha ha – yeah, though I poke fun at the OCB a lot, I secretly like the place. I guess it’s a guilty pleasure of mine. I have lots of fond memories going to the OCB when I was a kid. We went to the Crystal OCB & I remember on Friday and Saturday nights, there’d be a line out the door, extending down the hall to Shinders!
#5 by Disco Studd on January 16, 2009 - 6:25 am
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What gets me about OCB is every time I go there (once every 3 years or so) I always see the same family there. Mom & Dad, both over 400 lbs, and 10 year old Junior at 2 bills himself pulling up to the buffet just like pigs pulling up to their trough. I’m always either seated right next to them, or I’m constantly bumping into them at the buffet.
BTW, the sister-in-law claims the food there is made from scratch. I’ll leave that up for debate…
#6 by Dave & Kate on January 18, 2009 - 1:19 pm
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This post is seriously hilarious.
I used to rip on my aunt for shopping there, but now I can’t NOT go.
#7 by Drizztdj on February 18, 2009 - 8:16 am
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I heart the OCB in Crystal and those Sunday morning lines down to Shinders.
Definitely taking the family down to Axman for a visit.
#8 by Dave on March 21, 2009 - 9:18 pm
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Isn’t the Axman character wearing an executioner’s mask?
#9 by jayson on June 26, 2009 - 6:29 am
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i remember the place in st paul. it use to be a baby blue building very strange! ax man stores are kinda spooky kinda shit you would find in a serial killers garage hahha
#10 by BillB on March 12, 2010 - 12:18 am
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Axeman kept the tradition of Crazy Louie’s item descriptions. Sorry Crystal store, but you are not junky enough yet. If you don’t feel like a rat could jump out of a bin of electronic parts an bite your face, you aren’t Axeman yet.
OCB? How did we get from Axeman to OCB?
Since someone brought it up- our favorite game is TTW (Top That Weight)
Simple rules: You observe an obese person and be the first to say “entry”. Then the next person has to ‘top that weight” with another “entry”.
The Minnesota State Fair is a great place for this game- while OCB is referred to as ‘shooting fish in a barrel’ due to the immense quantity of ‘entries’.
Feel free to modify the game with classifcations of “Junior Class”, “Super Heavyweight” , etc as needed to extend the enjoyment of this game.