Jesus might be the rizzle for the sizzle, but there’s no denying that Christmas and shopping go hand-in-hand. ‘Tis the season at Dumpy Strip Malls, and it’s time for another list! I like to stay on-topic as much as possible here, so this post might be stretching it a bit.  So if you’re looking for a post about a dead mall, you might want to skip this entry. If you want to read me bitch about Christmas, read on.

Don’t get me wrong – this blog post is a bit borderline BAH HUMBUG/Scrooge McDuck, but I love the holiday season. I’m just in the mood to complain about something.  Hey, at least I’m honest.

Santa hoodwinked many children into racking up big phone bills. Tsk, tsk!

Some of my fondest childhood memories are from the holiday season. Playing the Jingle Cats CD on an endless loop to annoy my parents…my brother and I getting into a mess of trouble after calling Santa Claus’ 976-line…tricking my sister into thinking that all she’s getting for Christmas is a Chia Pet, until she truly believes me and starts to cry. (No, no, that’s not mean. Calm down! It’s…tradition! Yeah. Cuz…you know what they say – “Christmas isn’t Christmas until somebody cries!”).

This is one of my favorite times of the year, but great things often have their downsides. So on with the lists of Christmas FAIL!

4 kinds of holiday food I don’t like:

I know what you’re thinking, “She’s going to write about fruitcake!”

Slow down there, Miss Cleo.  I hope that you wouldn’t think I’d fall into that cliche.  Yeah, fruitcake is nasty, it’s slimy, it looks like a brick, blah blah blah. WE KNOW THAT. Most people who say Fruitcake is the “worst” Christmas gift are blowing smoke up your ass. How many of those people who say they hate fruitcake have actually tried fruitcake? Newsflash, most haven’t. Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it. GOOD fruitcake really isn’t that bad.

4: Popcorn Tins: Errr…I thought more about it and I just can’t bring myself to diss the popcorn tins. Deep in my

Popcorn tins are overpriced. Think about it: Popcorn is only 13¢/ pound in the bulk section. Run it through your popping machine and you have a big, satisfying 16¢ treat, including the electricity and the toppings!

heart, I love me some popcorn tins. When I get one of these, I only eat the cheese section. That’s correct; I’m that sneaky bastard.

3: Ribbon Candy: I think that once you hit age 65, you’re required to start liking this stuff. Doesn’t make any sense to me, because when you’re 65+, you’re much more likely to not have your own set of teeth. Eat this stuff and prepare to chisel it off your teeth and have some expensive bridgework done to repair the damage. The only thing ribbon candy has going for it is that it looks pretty.  It’s usually displayed in a bowl or a jar and becomes really, really sticky, and when you pick up a piece, you pick up the entire sticky glob of candy with it.

2: Danish butter cookies:  You know, those shortbread cookies that come in a tin can decorated with Victorian-era angels, stringing on harps.  No one ever eats these. Or if they do, it’s after all the other holiday treats have been consumed and these buttery corkboard canned cookies are the only thing left.  And everyone saves the can. I always see these things in basements and garages, all dented and so rusty that you’d need a tetnus shot just to look at it.

1: Candy Canes: Who eats this stuff? They make cute decorations, but no one eats them. They come in boxes of 10, but I never have any kind of desire to eat more than one (if that) during the season.  I remember sucking them to form a sharp point and making stabbing motions at my classmates. I’d probably get tasered and sent to juvi if I tried that now. Now that I’m an adult, I never see anyone sucking on a candy cane except the dipshit at the office who, every day starting on December 1st, sports a Santa hat and glue-guns some jingle bell to his wingtips, thinking he’s spreading the holiday cheer, business-casual style. I’m sure you have one of these guys at your office.

5 Shitty Christmas Gifts:

Oh, I’ve been given my decent share of shitty Christmas gifts, no doubt. But for the most part, I luck out and get the the good stuff. The shittiest of all shitty Christmas gifts was that one year when I got a bag of white cotton candy from my uncle, with an explanation that it was “ghost shit.” That would’ve been funny on Halloween, dear Uncle Tim, but it’s Christmas. And I don’t like cotton candy, but whatevs.

5: Vermont Teddy Bear/PajamaGram: Two words, fellas – LAZY GIFT.  No, it’s NOT romantic. It’s a fucking CLICHE and despite what you might think, it will not buy your way into her pants. Nothing says “I know nothing about my own girlfriend/wife” than giving her a Vermont Teddy Bear. Unless she really, really likes stuffed animals. In which

The kinds of guys who buy VT Teddy Bears are the same guys who try to woo women by making illegitimate claims of enjoying sunsets and long walks on the beach.

case, she should have her head examined if she’s over the age of 20. The TV commercials usually go on a full blown advertising blitz around Valentine’s Day. You know the one I’m talking about – where the  lovestruck woman is surrounded by her female co-workers, having a near-orgasm over receiving a stupid overpriced teddy bear with a cheesy message attached to it.  Something like “I sent you this Bandit bear, ’cause you stole my heart.” I think Vermont Teddy Bear, in general, is insulting to men. They’re basically saying that men are too damn dumb to be creative, so here’s an easy way out of the holidays. So if you get her a $90 teddy bear, she’ll cream her pants. Right…
PajamaGram isn’t as bad, (okay, I like pajamas…maybe I’m a little biased), but it really isn’t creative.

4: Generic bath products & shitty candles: I actually LIKE getting Bath and Body Works gift sets. But it’s those cheap knock-off bath sets from Wal-Mart or the Dollar Store that I hate.  The scents are always a play on the Bath &

A generic bath product gift basket, with all products in the same scent (that probably smells like rabbit bedding).

Body Works scents – like “Melon and Cucumber Medly”. They usually smell like plastic after you apply it to your skin. These sometimes come with shampoo and conditioner that dry your hair out and leave it feeling like hay.

Then there’s those cheap, lightly scented jar candles with the wax  that melts only in the center, forming a puddle that puts out the flame and leaves a sooty mess on your walls.

3: Kitchen gadgets no one uses: Martini shakers and fancy wine corking sets. Cookie cutters. Curly fry potato makers.  A lot of these contraptions are marketed as an apparatus that will SAVE THE DAY! Most of time, these doohickeys end up in the most remote & unreachable cabinet in your kitchen, never to see the light of day again.

2: Fluffy house socks:  The big, thick chenille socks with the rubber grips on the bottom. Sure, they’re warm and cozy,

Wear these & you won't need a vacuum. These socks pick up enough lint, hair, crumbs, and gunk off your floor to do the job itself.

but I don’t need 10 pairs of them. I seem to get these every freakin’ year. These socks hold enough static electricity to defibrillate a heart attack victim by simply scuffing over to him and touching him on the chest.

1: Christmas-y stuff given as Christmas gifts:  Ceramic snowman, Santa snow globes, decorative Rudolph show towels…it’s a Christmas gift FAIL! By the time you get this gift, Christmas is OVER. There’s no use for it, so in the closet it goes. What makes it worse is that you have an entire year to remember to display this shit when the gift giver comes over to your house next December.

Speaking of which, it’s always bothered me when I  go over to someone’s  house and they have it all decorated for Valentine’s Day, Christmas, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, and all the other holidays.  It gives off that kindergarten classroom vibe. Decorating here and there is FINE — especially for Christmas — but when you have to go through the back door because the front door is being guarded by a giant 6 foot Uncle Sam statue, there’s a problem.

3 holiday traditions of which I’m not a fan:

3: Secret Santa: In theory, it’s fun. Draw names, pick out a fun little gift, drop a  few hints, and at the holiday luncheon, everyone reveals their Secret Santa. But for me, it ALWAYS ends in tears. First time I did a Secret Santa exchange was in 3rd grade. Everyone else in my classroom was getting their gifts throughout the week, and by Friday, I still had nothing. I ended up bitching about it to my teacher. The next morning, I had a gift on my desk — an 8×10 picture frame.

Okay.

Who the fuck gives a 3rd grader an 8×10 picture frame?

Answer: My teacher. She was my secret santa. I’m guessing that the rugrat was who drew my name flaked out on the gift and poor teech had to rummage up something for me on a short notice. Why couldn’t she just stop at the gas station before school and get me some candy? What was I going to do with a picture frame?

Then, one year at work, we did a Secret Santa gift exchange. My Secret Santa was this creepy dude who was about 2-times my age. He gave me a bible because he overheard me saying that I had not been to church in over a year and he thought I needed some “guidance” (LOL). He also gave me ONE pre-paid movie ticket to see “The Green Mile” the following Saturday at 7PM.I come to find out that he actually bought TWO movie tickets. The other one was his. It was his way of asking me out on a date.

This is why I no longer “do” Secret Santa. I always get the creeps.

2: White Elephant Gift Exchanges (aka Yankee Swap): I hate forced social interaction. I have ENOUGH junk.  I don’t need someone else’s crap. And I don’t even think these things are “funny’ – I got a broken teapot last year. Yeah, thanks. That’s really funny. You’re quite the cutup, aren’t you? Where can I catch your stand-up?

Plus, the way some of my co-workers talk about this event, you’d think it was the equivalent of a Vikings/Packers game — we’ve got some big rivalries and lots of people seeking revenge.  Last year, one of the IT guys gave a broken CRT computer monitor and dot matrix printer as his gift. So the poor girl who got stuck with it had to find a way to dispose of it (took it to the dump and it cost her $50). Obviously, he knew what he was doing – talk about a rude gift!

1: Potlucks:   Since everyone is singing the economy blues, potlucks have been pretty popular this season, both at work and with friends & family. It’s a good idea, in theory. Everyone brings in something to share and get to sample a bunch of

Potlucks: Which of these dishes will make everyone sick?

home-cooked dishes. It’s a lot like the Old Country Buffet, without the sneezeguard and the FDA guidelines.

Some people go all out for these things & make dishes that take 2 weeks to prepare. I thank these people because I’m the lazy fucker who brings in a bag of potato chips. Without these ambitious go-getters, most company potlucks would consist of 2-liter soda bottles, Ritz crackers, and bags of Chips Ahoy.

That said, maybe I’m a germophobe, but potlucks kind of skeeve me out. One time I caught a old coworker cutting the chocolate cake she made with a knife, and licking the knife in-between cuts. That incident pretty much turned me off of potlucks for good. You don’t know what someone’s kitchen is like! You don’t know how what kind of sanitary efforts someone makes when baking brownies. And remember that time when you and Mary from Accounting were in the restroom and the same time? She didn’t wash her hands! The booger eaters of the world ruin the fun for everyone else.

Tags: bad Christmas gifts, Bath and Body Works, candy canes, Christmas, fruitcake, potlucks, Secret Santa, top 10 lists, vermont teddy bear, white elephant, yankee swap